tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post2623269883639065369..comments2024-03-19T08:35:01.699+00:00Comments on Love my life: There is light...........Meanqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02705837426373680532noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-24658576684818881082012-04-26T18:31:03.787+01:002012-04-26T18:31:03.787+01:00It's so true what you said about not giving ev...It's so true what you said about not giving everything to your spouse. My partner and I are learning the hard way that we need lives apart from each other we can't be all each other have. We both have depression and are both having to learn to take a step back when the other is having a rough time and not give our all to trying to help the other because more than likely we will just end up getting dragged into a depression as well which doesn't help anyone. So we are learning (it's an ongoing process) to do only what we can for the other well keeping our distance in a way, if that makes sense, because ultimately the only person who can help when your depressed is yourself (another hard lesson I'm learning). I'm very lucky I found someone who encourages me to be happy and have a life apart (In fact he's the one who finally got me to get help for the depression).<br /> I had a not so understanding boyfriend before this who didn't understand the depression and made me feel wrong and mellow dramatic which made me hide my feelings because I felt wrong for feeling so sad about nothing (at the time I hadn't been diagnosed yet and thought I was just stupid and strange). In the end he broke up with me and went around behind my back telling all our mutual friends what a freak and weirdo I was (didn't help the self-esteem issues I was having) in the end I basically had to start over and find new friends. It's very difficult when your in the same social circle as your ex but it does make you realize who your real friends are, I learned it was not only the boy who was wrong for me but the "friends". <br /> Thank you for the advice about starting a social group in the paper we are both working on finding friends and I think I may have to give that a try. <br /> Anyway I hope that that all made some sense I know what you mean about having trouble organizing thought into words.Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09521707131490795763noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-86105780055515255542012-04-26T18:26:10.633+01:002012-04-26T18:26:10.633+01:00Sshhh 'trees' , we like to keep it a secre...Sshhh 'trees' , we like to keep it a secret so we can keep it to ourselves ;-)Carriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06531886561147629729noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-15737781814845216952012-04-26T16:17:57.703+01:002012-04-26T16:17:57.703+01:00Ilona, that was quite some walk you did! And what ...Ilona, that was quite some walk you did! And what fantastic photos. No-one can say the north is industrial and bleak looking at them!treeswhereyousithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07141138293862717871noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-21401505006797194822012-04-26T15:57:14.528+01:002012-04-26T15:57:14.528+01:00Funny you should post this as I return to the blog...Funny you should post this as I return to the blogasphere me dear, tis indeed the darkest of times when a partnership fails, for what ever the reason, but the only way is the try and look forward as much as the shadows allow, in time things get better little by little.... but the past still bites you n the arse at the smallest of reminders.<br />JohnMurphyfishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13041645403817566512noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-86460540042411575312012-04-26T15:25:13.062+01:002012-04-26T15:25:13.062+01:00Hi, tis I murphyfish the long lost blogger. I'...Hi, tis I murphyfish the long lost blogger. I've started to write once more and would love to have you along for the ride me dear, find me here at ;-<br /><br />http://gairdh.blogspot.co.uk.<br /><br />tis not what you may expect from me but I'm getting there.<br /><br />JohnMurphyfishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13041645403817566512noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-84821041739661582542012-04-26T13:59:51.451+01:002012-04-26T13:59:51.451+01:00Thank you for that Carrie. No one should ever stay...Thank you for that Carrie. No one should ever stay in a place they don't want to be, even though the fear of making that change makes them sick with worry. No one should ever feel guilty for taking control of their own life. No one should ever think that their life is not worth living because their partner has gone, or they themselves have had to end the relationship. Onward and upward Carrie, just remember, you are precious, you deserve a nice life.Meanqueenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02705837426373680532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-5299938167027915542012-04-26T13:28:41.189+01:002012-04-26T13:28:41.189+01:00Thank you again for this post, and to all those wh...Thank you again for this post, and to all those who have commented. I have learned such a lot from them. I have a bullying manipulative husband and have recently realised that my daughter has learned his tactics and uses them in her relationship with me. I have followed up on some references here and discovered a wonderful book - In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People - which has opened my eyes. I was such an unhappy victim of all their manipulation, believing myself to be all the bad things they said I was. I am becoming stronger and more confident all the time and this post, the comments, and the book have all helped me to progress a little further. Thank you all.Carriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06531886561147629729noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-87548194771948760692012-04-26T11:45:06.685+01:002012-04-26T11:45:06.685+01:00Very very very good excellent post. Everyone needs...Very very very good excellent post. Everyone needs to take care of themselves. God Bless.Jotohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06025269638300442436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-62774417745439445352012-04-26T10:03:28.414+01:002012-04-26T10:03:28.414+01:00Thank you all very much for sharing your eperience...Thank you all very much for sharing your eperiences with us. <br /><br />I hope I did not give the impression that I was man bashing. The two examples I gave about my own life were two of many. I am not perfect, I know I broke a few hearts along the way, and the men involved were probably pretty upset about it. I am sorry that I was a bitch, but life is swings and roundabouts, you win some you lose some. <br /><br />For the purposes of this post, it does not matter how the breakup came about, it was the question of how do you get over it which was important. In all your comments I see that you had your own way of dealing with your situation, and I applaud your resilience. <br /><br />I have recieved a lovely email from the lady who asked the question. She is trying hard to get her life back, and has found the post and your comments very helpfull. So thank you all.Meanqueenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02705837426373680532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-75797279397809891832012-04-26T01:10:13.619+01:002012-04-26T01:10:13.619+01:00There is very little about cerebral narcissism and...There is very little about cerebral narcissism and it is not a recognized disorder. However, what I did read describes my ex. It would have been different if he actually knew anything. He stood in the pulpit and trid to impress people with his knowledge, mispronouncing words in every sentence. Lest you think I am being overly critical, he pronounced the word "ambulance" as "ambliance." He insisted I was just stupid because I was born in Mississippi. He was born in New York, so wow, his intellect had to be greater than mine. <br /><br />I think I did not suffer emotionally as much as most women for several reasons--1) I left him/filed for divorce. 2) I has suffered so much abuse that after 14 years, being without him was a relief. 3) I did not have to back up his lies he spoke from the pulpit, but the children listened and whispered that he was not telling the truth. They were more important to me than he was a bully our whole marriage.Lindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14991571309786149363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-78177435390784157262012-04-26T00:41:16.999+01:002012-04-26T00:41:16.999+01:00Excellent post. Your last paragraph is spot on! Be...Excellent post. Your last paragraph is spot on! Best wishes and hugs to the lady who emailed xxJudy Yhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08143303275859311603noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-39192594747398250902012-04-25T23:50:20.395+01:002012-04-25T23:50:20.395+01:00Well, I ve been married for almost 45 years (to th...Well, I ve been married for almost 45 years (to the same bloke) so I cant give an opinion but before that happend I certainly had my moments and some of them were pretty turbulent.<br />The only thing I m head over heels over now is Southern California.lizziehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17345707661431587475noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-43191577257992711512012-04-25T23:07:21.784+01:002012-04-25T23:07:21.784+01:00I'm guessing that greiving a lost relationship...I'm guessing that greiving a lost relationship follows the same process as greiving a death.<br />Excellent post, Ilona.<br />Jane xJane and Chrishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08102086552682194819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-66608380943207336262012-04-25T22:47:34.976+01:002012-04-25T22:47:34.976+01:00Hi Ilona, your last paragraph said so much. If you...Hi Ilona, your last paragraph said so much. If you have time - go to Youtube and listen to Karine Polwart (Daisy). She agrees so beautifully with what you say - "Hey Daisy darling don't spread your arms too wide. Why don't you keep a little something inside. I know you think that hands are for pulling us through, but there are people in this world who don't think like you do. They don't think like you do" .....Strange that this always makes me cry. Debs xAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-6708785997095347462012-04-25T22:23:10.656+01:002012-04-25T22:23:10.656+01:00My ex husband left me after thirty years of marria...My ex husband left me after thirty years of marriage--he too was a narcissist, abusive verbally and physically. A bully too. It wasn't very easy to learn to have a life apart; it took a lot of thinking, several months of counselling witha psychologist and anti-depressants. Thirty years is most of a grown up life time after all. But....I have learned about who I am and have moved on to a life which is independent and my own. I do not need to account to anyone and enjoy what I do. It did take a lot of hard work to get there--heartache and pain--and I have had to accept that there are some things that don't heal. However you don't have to confront them every day. You have to decide to live for yourself and not to please another person. You have to realise that you are just as important as anyone else. Take courage and know that it WILL pass.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-62418941730523371112012-04-25T21:46:45.052+01:002012-04-25T21:46:45.052+01:00Yes, it takes some getting over, but time's th...Yes, it takes some getting over, but time's the best healer.<br /><br />And it's not always the man to blame, I came out of 35 years of marriage, not by choice, but by hers, with 5 or 6 black plastic bags with a few of my clothes in, homeless, jobless and almost destitute. I was under the doctor for a year with depression, and it took about 3 or 4 years to get back on course.<br /><br />Having met, moved in with and eventually married my second wife, I realise just how miserable I had actually been in my previous marriage.cumbrianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10047500383078884463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-64300766745597281852012-04-25T21:41:36.739+01:002012-04-25T21:41:36.739+01:00"The trouble is that relationships aren't..."The trouble is that relationships aren't always so casual, they can become quite involved. That thing called love can sometimes take over when you are least expecting it, and before you know it you have fallen head over heels. Common sense goes out of the window, and you are no longer in full control of your own destination. You are now emotionally attached to another human being."<br /><br />That was me!!!<br /><br />As you wrote, a new relationship is heady. We accept behaviour that we know is annoying. Later it becomes a ' pain in the proverbial'. It takes guts to move out. Specially now with the massive rental costs. Sometimes it's easier to stay with the devil you know. This is a very thought provoking post and thank you for that.Lydia La Lahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11175566681652761270noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-33198139162902083362012-04-25T21:33:58.227+01:002012-04-25T21:33:58.227+01:00Bloody Hell! I researched ' cerebral narciss...Bloody Hell! I researched ' cerebral narcissist' as I was totally ignorant on that term and was dismayed to learn that these people exist.<br /> Nasty, nasty beings. You are so very lucky that you have escaped to go on to live a full life with your children.<br />Don't beat your self up over being deluded by him and don't think you were gullible. From my reading, it appears they are predators and choose their victims. YES... victims. So , my dear, onward, forward and upward. Wishing you the very best life has to offer. xoLydia La Lahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11175566681652761270noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-49331886962245586772012-04-25T20:52:27.180+01:002012-04-25T20:52:27.180+01:00Wise words indeed from a life of experiences. I am...Wise words indeed from a life of experiences. I am married to a truly lovely man but have had a fair few restless moments over the years as we live and work together which can be stifling. I now have made a bit of life of my own with friends of my own and it has done such good for me and my self esteem as I always felt in his shadow as he is quite a strong personality, not controlling or anything but with firm ideas on life! We all need to try to value ourselves a bit more I think.....Kate Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03325725955137255316noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-34146623565673944992012-04-25T20:35:30.835+01:002012-04-25T20:35:30.835+01:00You're post made me cry Ilona it reminded me h...You're post made me cry Ilona it reminded me how lucky I am to be at the point I'm at now. My last relationship was with a cerebral narcissist. Look it up on You Tube if not sure what one is. I had to take anti depressants for 3 years and lost everything when I took my kids and walked out. Of course he carried on and has a wonderful new wife and social life and standing in the community but I know he'll be doing the same to her as he did to me. Your advice is spot on don't look back look forward. Things end for a reason. 5 years on I'm still not over it, it was too traumatic I think to ever be over it completely but I'm at peace on my own and know I'll never want to share my life with a man again. But you know what , that's ok . Life is good especially on my own.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-78831333770714049902012-04-25T19:51:46.306+01:002012-04-25T19:51:46.306+01:00Men! What are they like eh! Who needs 'em.
Ser...Men! What are they like eh! Who needs 'em.<br />Seriously though. This is good advice you have given.john bainhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15624118202659480062noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-42810275481588663602012-04-25T18:26:41.784+01:002012-04-25T18:26:41.784+01:00Hi Ilona ( message to the person who emailed ) T...Hi Ilona ( message to the person who emailed ) These are wise words. Give yourself credit for getting over this. It will take time but a new start is just around the corner. Ilona I can't wait to read your comments on day to day living. Well done girl for helping a cry for help. Kind regards JeanAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-15407444600501309252012-04-25T18:20:38.351+01:002012-04-25T18:20:38.351+01:00Ilona, I've always found your posts to be refl...Ilona, I've always found your posts to be reflective, wise and has a good dose of reality, and this post is another example. Thank you for being who you are.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-21391319529259121902012-04-25T17:05:15.037+01:002012-04-25T17:05:15.037+01:00Sound advice Ilona. The end of a relationship is a...Sound advice Ilona. The end of a relationship is a loss, and should be grieved, but then it's time to get up and get on. It will not be easy, nothing worthwhile ever is, but I think the first few steps in anything are usually the hardest which is why I try to begin with baby steps and then build on them till I can take Giant Leaps!!Carriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06531886561147629729noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-30561785712779989392012-04-25T15:55:15.219+01:002012-04-25T15:55:15.219+01:00Brilliant piece and so very fitting for me right n...Brilliant piece and so very fitting for me right now. Written beautifully, thank you for sharing your own experiences it make me feel that im not alone, hope the lady who emailed you feels the same way xamandaa5449https://www.blogger.com/profile/01405371355549643212noreply@blogger.com