tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post2740159148025583792..comments2024-03-19T08:35:01.699+00:00Comments on Love my life: Do as you think best.Meanqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02705837426373680532noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-89612334301152105832013-03-12T08:24:48.255+00:002013-03-12T08:24:48.255+00:00Thank you for for coming back to this topic, Anon....Thank you for for coming back to this topic, Anon. You summarize perfectly.Meanqueenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02705837426373680532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-17545285768116171182013-03-11T16:33:47.493+00:002013-03-11T16:33:47.493+00:00Hi
Well that's certainly introduced some food...Hi<br /><br />Well that's certainly introduced some food for thought there. Obviously, we all have different life circumstances, and I personally do believe that account needs to be taken of marriage vows (ie those ones about "for richer for poorer...in sickness and in health") and someone is promising to take on a lot when they make those vows (as it's never possible to know what the future holds). As I see it, there are several major type decisions in peoples lives - people decide whether to marry someone or whether to have children. It's quite right too that people should give a lot of thought to such major actions as marriage and children.<br /><br /> However, another equally huge potentially lifechanging decision - ie that of being a carer - seems to be something people just find themselves getting edged into gradually. They first do a bit of helping, then a bit more, then a bit more and somewhere along the line realisation dawns that they have become a carer (ie to someone other than a spouse or their children) and they never actually got asked or volunteered to be. It just happened and their own lives changed as a result. The generation of people currently being cared for are the last generation where children just "turned up" even if the parents didnt particularly want them - but the children shouldnt be blamed for that fact and expected to turn into a carer to someone who maybe never particularly wanted them originally and maybe doesnt actually have anything in common with them, etc. Those of us who are in our early 60s downwards are very fortunate that we have/had the free choice as to whether to have children or no and are likely to take a very different attitude as to whether we would think that our children (if we have any) have a duty to care for us whether they like it or no. Those of us who have never had children know there simply won't be anyone available to care for us anyway if we are single or widowed and that we have no option but to make our own arrangements to ensure we are safe one way or another and I think that may be part of where differences of opinion lie - in that we have always thought of ourselves as independent and needing to look after ourselves (rather than having the expectations of many of the generation before us - that its the grown-up childrens duty to care for us, even if they know they werent wanted/arent even particularly liked or approved of by the aged parent). Its probably the biggest Generation Gap there has ever been in recorded history - because of just how much our lives/expectations have changed in between the generation now in their 80s and the generation now in our 50s/60s.<br /><br />You are right Ilona that there are many different circumstances in which people end up "dancing to someone else's beat" and romantic relationships are one of them. I think most of us have probably ended up dating someone controlling at some point or other and its the fortunate ones of us who realised in time and never married/lived with them.<br /><br />regards<br />the original "anonymous" that sparked off this postAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-12796235564651559412013-03-11T13:08:48.562+00:002013-03-11T13:08:48.562+00:00You're so right Jan. To be forced into being a...You're so right Jan. To be forced into being a carer will cause resentment, no one should be made to feel guilty if that is the role they chose not to take on. Meanqueenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02705837426373680532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-17178011597260889692013-03-11T12:44:56.493+00:002013-03-11T12:44:56.493+00:00I'm pleased that your son and daughter have fo...I'm pleased that your son and daughter have found their niche. All due to your support and guidance, I'm sure. Meanqueenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02705837426373680532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-34643978045564569662013-03-11T12:41:15.655+00:002013-03-11T12:41:15.655+00:00I am pleased that you found something usefull in m...I am pleased that you found something usefull in my post, Marie. The truth is that not all families are destined to live in each others pockets. There are no rules saying saying you have to live close to your children, or parents. Marie, your daughters are grown women, they have their own lives, you have brought them up and you still have a life of your own. <br /><br />One day you might wake up in the morning and say, hey, I'm off to that island, now is the right time. Don't say never, it's just not now. Meanqueenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02705837426373680532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-67532607541915957852013-03-11T12:32:07.700+00:002013-03-11T12:32:07.700+00:00Thank you momsav. What works for some may not work...Thank you momsav. What works for some may not work for others, and you reached a good compromise by talking to each other. <br /><br />I grew up with half a family, never knew any of my German relations. On the English side we were sometimes included in aunts and uncles get togethers, but often were not because we didn't have any transport. My parents were never called upon to help out with any family matters, we were not what you might call a close knit family. In that respect, I don't expect any of my family to rally round if I need help. Meanqueenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02705837426373680532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-61744203213479811302013-03-11T01:23:02.214+00:002013-03-11T01:23:02.214+00:00I think you handled this brilliantly, as usual!
Wh...I think you handled this brilliantly, as usual!<br />When my own Mother was in need of family to start the long process of taking care of her, i declined. I had three children, one a newborn. I took over the paperwork/money aspect, so i felt i helped in that way. We all have to make the best decision for US. (I have three younger sisters. Two helped care for our Mother, before she went into a nursing home. The third sister didn't do anything. We're all still speaking to each other.) I must say, i cried a river of tears, but it was the best decision for MY family. <br /> momsavnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-30811636425995802792013-03-10T21:34:45.615+00:002013-03-10T21:34:45.615+00:00That is a very difficult situation to be in. Of co...That is a very difficult situation to be in. Of course, the adult children should all discuss this matter together, thoroughly, and come to a decision that is agreed by all. Bryallenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03077654752721624785noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-38765679442403652192013-03-10T20:39:15.516+00:002013-03-10T20:39:15.516+00:00Jan here.Interesting and sensitivley written post,...Jan here.Interesting and sensitivley written post,thank you.Everyones life is different and has to be lived in the way they feel is best.Hopefully,we all do the best we can in the circumstances we find ourselves in.However,to do what is 'expected' or imposed rarely serves anyones best interests.Giving from choice means that we can give from the heart,without resentment and is,I believe,apparant to the recepitant.Being forced into the role of carer or being made to feel guilty if it is not right to do so to make a third party feel better,seems inapropriate and not likely to work.We all have to live our own lives and be true to ourselves.I think it is right to follow your intuition and far more likely to benefit the person you care about.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-58947633405991638562013-03-10T18:12:38.433+00:002013-03-10T18:12:38.433+00:00I agree with everything you said Ilona. I've m...I agree with everything you said Ilona. I've made mistakes like everyone and it has been a hard learning curve sometimes. I've also watched my daughter and son being in wrong relationships etc, but thankfully they are both where they want to be now and I like to think that me and their dad have had some influence on what cracking people they have turned out to be. We all have to find our own way in this world and without being selfish or unbending, think of what we want to do for ourselves.Sals Viewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07983803420404095685noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-62291311844640883702013-03-10T15:37:04.996+00:002013-03-10T15:37:04.996+00:00Thank you sooooo much for today's posting,it h...Thank you sooooo much for today's posting,it has hit home tremendously for me! I spent a month over near to my daughters on an Island off the coast and enjoyed being near to them. Since I have come home, I have had guilt over the fact that I live so far away from them, however, I have a circle of friends and comings and goings that I have established here where I live, plus the climate is so much easier on my bones. I have been torn apart with indecision about selling my home and moving there and after reading your post, I have decided to leave well enough alone and stay where I am happy and healthy - leaving things as they are best for me. Thanks so much!Mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07308484107697183925noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-36104424203510385632013-03-10T15:30:33.154+00:002013-03-10T15:30:33.154+00:00My advice to anon would be to establish some bound...My advice to anon would be to establish some boundaries with regards to other family members expectations concerning mother. If they think they can shame, coerce and generally brow-beat you into taking some sort of responsibility for another member of the family other than your own child or husband then you must resist this. You have to be single-minded about this otherwise you life will be hell and you will only have yourself to blame.<br />If you mean by "dancing to someone else beat" giving up you own plans and desires that is not good but if you live with someone their needs and desire have to considered at least.lizziehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17345707661431587475noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-45130949156573800332013-03-10T15:28:19.337+00:002013-03-10T15:28:19.337+00:00We might not all get off to a good start, there wi...We might not all get off to a good start, there will be a few hiccups along the way, but the good news is that's it's never too late to change direction and put things right. Meanqueenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02705837426373680532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-29810937071955820802013-03-10T15:22:29.101+00:002013-03-10T15:22:29.101+00:00Hi Virginia. I think it's inevitable that youn...Hi Virginia. I think it's inevitable that young folk make relationship mistakes, I made a few wrong choices in my selection of boyfriends. I didn't however marry the wrong one, possibly because I saw what would happen if two people were not in tune with each other. Meanqueenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02705837426373680532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-36370517658333456612013-03-10T15:00:27.982+00:002013-03-10T15:00:27.982+00:00Ilona, Isn't it a shame that humans seem unab...Ilona, Isn't it a shame that humans seem unable to learn from others' mistakes and must make their own, at least in the younger years. The good news is that we do learn who we are and how we want our lives to be and with luck and hard work we have a chance of having that life. Would that we all were so grounded as you.<br />Candacehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04728224499293623221noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-16838613899310892312013-03-10T13:49:25.161+00:002013-03-10T13:49:25.161+00:00A great post, Ilona -- you speak from the heart, w...A great post, Ilona -- you speak from the heart, with such sense and also sensitivity. Thank you. x<br /> Wendy P.https://www.blogger.com/profile/09254825688294366445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-37202969767639719922013-03-10T12:48:33.385+00:002013-03-10T12:48:33.385+00:00Some very good advise there.
CarolxSome very good advise there.<br />CarolxCarolhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04332392686031711784noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-25048537785238481122013-03-10T11:53:56.368+00:002013-03-10T11:53:56.368+00:00You seem to have life well sussed out Ilona.You seem to have life well sussed out Ilona.john bainhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15624118202659480062noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3556657999892839298.post-45818580755386695432013-03-10T11:25:41.705+00:002013-03-10T11:25:41.705+00:00Ilona, this is the best advice ever. Young folks s...Ilona, this is the best advice ever. Young folks should be made to read this and not make silly relationship mistakes with their lives.VirginiaChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17282569773671179047noreply@blogger.com