Mid sixties skinny bird, not much on top but great legs and a cranky SOH, WLTM younger guy with loads of dosh and big house. Must have a fit body, hair and teeth, and not stink of fag smoke or sweaty armpits. Call me now on a premium rate number, which will take you through an extensive menu and cost you loadsa money before you actually get to speak to me.
Just made that up, do you think it will bring any enquiries ha ha ;o) I've been trawling through the dating pages in a posh newspaper, maybe there is someone out there who just fits my criteria. Let's have a look. You've got to read between the lines with these adverts, it's a sort of cryptic language.
This one might be promising. Male 54 seeks curvy feminine female, 65 - 75 for romantic times. I think that means, I fancy a romp with a pair of large bazookas. Oooops, that's me out then. What about a 74 year old gent who likes caravanning, looking for large build lady for fun. Nope, a bit too old for me, and I'm not willing to put on a couple of stone for anyone.
Hey, here's a cheeky chappie, M 75 looking for F 35 - 55, for loving relationship. I bet you are matey, looking for a bit of eye candy more like, someone you can show off to your mates down the pub. On yer bike, I am not travelling 150 miles for a bit of fun, unless of course you are a multi millionaire.
Here's a good one, I might apply to this. M 38 likes pubs and clubs, WLTM F, no specifications, wonder if he would warm to a cheeky bint who could bop the night away, and maybe take a walk in the moonlight along a sandy beach and watch the sun come up. Ha ha.
Solvent, now that's a word which makes me read more. He is retired, 68, 5'4", and likes golf. Hmmmm, maybe not, I don't want to peer at the top of his head, and golf looks sooo boring. Oh well, let's take another look.
Oooh, here's one, this sounds like a possible. M young 60, artist, zany SOH, WLTM lady 50 creative and positive. Wow, that sounds like me. Wonder if he would settle for a young 66 year old going on 16. Oh dear, maybe not, he lives in Scotland, maybe a non starter, it's a long way to go, would cost a lot of money in petrol.
What about this one, Attractive M 72, tactile and romantic, seeks attractive warm hearted woman. Oh yes, I've read about you types before. Tactile means touching doesn't it. Well sunshine, I've got news for you, you aren't getting your mitts within half a mile of me.
Moving on, someone wants a female to accompany him to football matches. I went to a football match once, not really my bag. Next, Graduate, retired school teacher, 73, looking for F 40 - 70. Another one who would gleefully date someone who is 33 years younger than himself. No wont bother, 73 is too old for me.
What is it with these blokes, they are looking for younger, elegant, attractive, successful, friendly, stylish, and professional women. Maybe I ought to try the adverts in the red top papers, ha ha.
I give up, I'm staying as I am. Can't be bothered to start all that dating Mullarkey at my age. Not going to be washing anyone else's underpants, cleaning stray whiskers out of the sink, not cleaning someone else's tide mark from around the bath, not going to football matches, not playing golf, not going to get a tele, and not going pubbing and clubbing. I am happy with my male friends, they go back to their own homes every night. Me very happy with that arrangement, no need to change things.
Thanks for popping in. Catch up soon. Toodle pip
I'm amazed at some of those adverts sometimes. It would appear that most 'elderly' gentlemen think they are God's gift to women and think they can pick up a girl of any age .... oh well good luck to them if they do is all I think. The columns are always worth looking through if only to marvel at the wording :-)
ReplyDeleteI once tore the "Looking For" pages out of a Harvard alumni magazine and brought them to the Forestry office to share with a coworker. I thought he would find them funny (they were mostly so smug and self-aggrandizing I found it impossible not to laugh out loud while reading them) but he actually found them so annoying I thought his head might explode in rage. Not the reaction I expected!
ReplyDeletevery sensible unless you meet someone you just click with.
ReplyDeleteStay single. Not only do you have to accommodate/ acclimatize yourself someone else's bad habits, you also have the tricky task of keeping the in laws happy. I have a lovely friend who is gay...I asked him once why he is still single (in his 40's) and his reply was '..because I like the David Beckham types..'. At first I thought 'yeah we ALL like the David Beckham types but we have to lower our expectations', but now I think about it, it is fair enough. Why settle for less if you are happy with your life. Debbie.
ReplyDeleteA very dangerous pastime.
ReplyDeleteYour post made me laugh - I'm still smiling now, as I type ☺. Anyroadup, I'd NEVER expect a wife, girlfriend or whatever to clean up after me. I'm happy to share chores but to expect a S.O. to run around after me is a no-no. And I prefer to do the cooking!
ReplyDeleteToo bloody right Ilona. Stay the way you are. Life's too short to start the 'kissing a lot of frogs' thing.
ReplyDeleteLinda xx
Married women may once have had admirable husbands but once they get to 40 the men all morph into the same very unattractive sort. I seriously am lucky if I see an attractive man past that age once a year, even in passing on the street. They do exist but are incredibly rare. The average man is very unappealing, so much so that I thank my lucky stars I don't have one. I'm 50, not looking for a younger man at all (or any at all really) but those my age and older are just awful. Women age so much better than men, yet the myth is that men age gracefully and become silver foxes while women just get old and over the hill. That is so laughable. I can look around me and see many many women my age and older who are still attractive while the men went to seed many years ago. Yuck. It isn't as if they have nice personalities to make up for it, and it would if they did. But smoking, drinking, over feeding and being as dull as ditch water and unpleasant to boot doesn't do it for me.
ReplyDeleteI've no wish to be a man's nurse maid, while he is in his dotage so I will stay single. Being independent is better for women in pretty much all ways. All the single women I know are in fine fettle and pretty happy and fulfilled too.
I often feel sorry for women who have these homogenised husbands - they are so indistinct, yet often are rigid in their ways and thinking and manage to tell their wives what they can and can't do and act like control freaks and undermine them and all their talents. Men really don't like women to shine. Sadly though neither do women much so we are a bit stuck really (men like and support men over women generally and women support men in preference to women). I know a man who I see from time to time when meeting up with older friends, he must be 80 and he acts just like he must have done when younger. Very flirtatious, it's so distasteful - he zooms in on me. He apparently has a wife too, who he leaves in doors.
No way would my younger self ever have been interested in one of these people advertising. My current self as a woman of a certain age self wouldn't either. They need to take a long look in the mirror and into their narcissistic hearts. Just yuck.
People talk about gold digging women but they never reference what these men get in return. I think it's a whole lot more.
Well said! I sat in a cafe a couple of weeks ago and while I people watched an older couple came in, sat down, had coffee and didn't engage once in conversation with each other. So very sad (and boring).
DeleteI could stop laughing, you got that just right.
Deletewe are a similar age , and lead a similar life ,and apparently have the same views on the opposite sex. BUT you missed 1 other unappetising quality...... most men of our age come with baggage, and in my past experience that spells trouble,
I will stay single its far easier, and a lot less hassle.
Jane
Married to my best friend in the whole world for sixteen years. Always support and help and stand by eachother. He is worth his weight in Gold. Both men and women can be good or bad, plenty yucky people of both sexes. Pam
DeleteGood comment Anon, made me titter. You've painted such a negative picture of men in general, I think I may change sides and look for a woman, ha ha.
Delete@Anonymous.....You sound like a man hater!
DeleteMy husband is 58, as am I, and he doesn't smoke, over drink or over eat, and he is most definitely not as dull as ditch water!
We've been together now for 32 years, and he's not just my husband, he's my best friend too! We laugh ourselves silly together several times every day and after all these years still enjoy one another's company.
I agree that there are quite a few older men out there who think far too much of themselves, but please don't tar them all with the same brush!
Thank you - you gave me a good chuckle this morning
ReplyDeleteLaughing all the way in Florida...Methinks you're better off remaining independent. Have a wonderful day.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the smile!
ReplyDeleteArilx
Hi.Lots of smiles there for us re:today's subject.I'm thinking that if you are happy as you are ,that's wonderful.If it's not broken why fix it ?I happen to like most men strangely,always have,despite their idiosincracies.They are very different from us,but,that can be a good thing.Seriously though,would never meet up with anyone through an ad simply because I am not trusting that venue at all.But reading such things can be funny and an eye-opener.I never did think of male-female relationships as a "meat-market".It's surprising how many people think of our sexuality and need for companionship as something to be exploited or to be ridiculed.It's all a healthy part of life,and there is a time and a season for everything.Some of us still want and need nuturing,fun,sexual friendships and or serious relationships.Each to their own.Age is not a factor to me,because I've been exposed to May-December relationships with my parents ,grandparents,siblings etc.My dad was much much older than my mum.After he died she had much younger men in her life,as did my widowed grandmother and sister.It seems to run in the family,haha.I'm the only one who hasn't.......so far.tee-hee.
ReplyDeleteHi Ilona – I recently wrote a post on my very brief shot at internet dating (having been egged on by my friends after my ex left), and you know what, it wasn’t a bad experience at all. Ok you have to be careful but there seem to be a lot of nice men out there just looking for some company too. I had quite a few men contact me, and I have to admit I think they liked my profile to be honest – something along the lines of “fat, 50 and menopausal, not interested in your car or your wallet, can build my own white picket fence, and if you really want to know what I like in bed it’s complete control of the TV remote and a cheese sandwich”. (That last bit was in response to a genuine nutter who asked me that – thought I might as well head em off at the pass, so to speak).
ReplyDeleteAfter my ex left me, a colleague started asking me out – pestering me really, as I wasn’t interested to begin with. He is 13 years older than me (70 to my 57) and we have been together 6 years, so I guess I really am lucky to have my silver fox. I still find him very sexy, but he is also incredibly intelligent and funny – which, in any case, will always top looks in my books. He is still legally married but has been separated for over 20 years. I’m ok with that as I don’t want to live with him and am not after anything else. I like having my own place, doing my own thing, and then having his company and spoiling him a bit too. It’s not easy as you get more set in our ways, but I like men’s company. Trouble is, you can’t live with em but you’re not allowed to shoot em either. Anna
Good for you. Always on your own terms ;).
DeleteSounds like a good arrangement you have there, Anna. Keep your own place and come together for fun. A good mix I would say.
DeleteWhen I was about 20, I met a dear friend, J who was a single lady of about 70. After I got to know her a bit, I asked her if she had ever considered getting married. She said that there had been someone once, but then she thought of washing his socks and decided singleness was for her! She died at about 90, still her lovely, humorous and kind self, still happily single.
ReplyDeleteI had a good laugh at your post today, and it made my day. I have had a few lady friends who are widowed and they all say the same thing....at this stage in the game, they would rather not get involved with another man, because it is too much trouble and too time consuming to train another one. Men seem to be different. Many middle aged men here who have been recently widowed go out and look for a new woman right away, just as they would do for a new vehicle. My friend has a theory about this. She says that men are in such a rush to remarry because they can't find any clean socks. ha ha. Mary Jane in Canada.
ReplyDeleteSo funny! I was laughing all the way through your descriptions of the ads! haha :)
ReplyDeleteDefinitely criptic these. Thanks for the competition prize it arrived today, a great thing to come to after work I love parcels. Got crafty ideas in my head x
ReplyDeleteGlad you like the parcel. A little bit of sewing at the weekend maybe.
DeleteOooooh yes.
DeleteI must say that I simply cant be bothered these days. As I put it "Thankfully...the hormones have died down and that makes life so much easier". Cant say I didn't try to find Mr Right when I was younger - but I'm not going to go looking for him now that's for sure. At my age (60s now) I tend to think that much of the reason men in my agegroup are looking for a woman is to have a "resident nursemaid" to hand if they need one. No thanks - I'd have signed up for being a "girlfriend" and not a carer..
ReplyDeleteNeither can I. I had my share from late twenties to mid forties, I haven't missed out, now I can't be bothered.
DeleteWhat is WLTM? I would guess that the dating ads by ladies are just as picky and odd as these by the guys.
ReplyDeleteHi Terra. Would Like To Meet.
DeleteOh good, that cleared that up, I hate all these abbreviations, don't know what any of them mean! And as they say Ilona, if you're happy as you are, why change things?
DeleteI'm 65, been married and divorced three times. Always felt that I needed a man in my life but I was happiest when I was single. Love your blog Ilona! Thanks for the chuckle!
ReplyDeletethanks for the laugh
ReplyDelete