Cookery courses for sale. How to make a three course banquet style lunch from left over, past their best, fruit and vegetables scavenged from the market bins on a Saturday night. Sorry vegetarian only, if you want meat, pick up some roadkill on your way here.
Ten places available, £500 each. Accommodation can be provided in the summer house in the back garden for an extra £100 per night, sorry no toilet facilities, bucket provided. Sorry, no beds, bring your own mat and sleeping bag. Breakfast not included, but can be arranged at £50 per person, left overs from the banquet lunch. Bring your own sauce and cutlery.
Bookings now being taken for January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, and December. Send cash (non refundable) in plain brown envelope with booking.
ilona
Just call it a Vegan Mindfulness Retreat and you will make milions
ReplyDeletePerfect, that's a good word to use in the blurb, mindfulness. People respond to that, especially those that haven't a clue what it means. That should pull them in.
DeleteHaha. And 'intentional' is a great crowd-puller nowadays!
DeleteI did have a laugh at this post so witty. Yes that is what you see out there. Everyone wants to make money teaching you how to do something; which has been taken to the next level the retreat. I'm sure some are fun, but the price alone makes me think I'll plan my own retreat thank you. Unless of course I can start my own business.
ReplyDeleteGo ahead, but don't start it anywhere near mine. Anywhere outside the UK will be fine. Perhaps we could work in tandem, swapping clients. I find a mug who coughs up the dosh here, then I recommend them to you, that way we both get to fleece them.
DeleteGreat stuff Ilona -if only I wasn't so skint I would be there like a shot with my 3 if you accomadated unruly dogs too x
ReplyDeleteAha, dogs eh, hadn't thought of that. Dogs will be extra, £100 each, bring your own dog food and poo bags.
DeleteThere's bound to be someone who would take you up on it!
ReplyDeleteThat sounds promising, just don't tell the tax man.
DeletePlanet, people and purse perfect(ly friendly).
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the best for a happy and healthy (booking) year, Ilona.
Cheers!
Jeanneke.
Meanqueen Retreat. Looking after the earth, your health, and my bank balance.
DeleteIt sounds like some of the B&Bs in "Four in a Bed"! Perhaps with a bit of tweeking, you could apply to be on that show!
ReplyDeleteThanks for that suggestion, I need all the publicity I can get, especially if it's free.
Deleteha! ha! Sounds delightful. I'd like to make a March 1st reservation with overnight accommodation.
ReplyDeleteYou're in Sue, send money by Jan 1st, non refundable.
DeleteI was just smiling and about to type when I read Kate’s comment and thought it was the best ever :). So plus one to her comment, I couldn’t ever have a better idea than that��
ReplyDeleteI'm going to engage Kate as my PR guru. Can't pay her though, but she can attend a course for a reduced fee. £10 off should keep her happy.
DeleteSue, I think it is April 1st you want.
ReplyDeleteIona - I want to book my place too. I am going to send my monopoly money in a brown envelope.
I've booked you in, Edward. Send money up front, non refundable.
DeleteDo you have any dates left in February please? Just the daytime course please, I live in the next county to you but I can arrange B&B accommodation in the area. Do you have an email address for more details please, e.g. times of the courses, deposit required etc.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
Oh Rose, I'm so sorry, I'm fully booked for February. A party of Sistine Monks are coming over from Italy. They see this as the ideal setting for their meditation and prayer. I myself will be jetting off to the sun while they are here, they can sort themselves out.
DeleteIlona, aren't you going to offer a 'glamping' experience as well - people bring their own tepees and erect them on your lawn? You could also offer 'spring water' and fill bottles from your tap (as did Del Boy and Rodney in Only Fools and Horses), the possibilities are endless - can I be a shareholder?!
ReplyDeleteNow that's a good idea, I've got a couple of two person tents, I'll put them up. Should be able to squeeze at least ten more people onto each course. More buckets will be needed though, don't want them piddling in the hedge.
Deleteoh, I laughed so much. Just spot on all those courses out there. Big hugs. I like your sense of humour :D
ReplyDeleteI hope you are taking this seriously. My plan is a sure fire way to extract loads of money from gullible people who who think a healthy mind and body can be gained in a day or two with very little effort.
DeleteLol!!,You are crackers and as daft as me!!.I bet there are loads of courses like this being offered as well!.Me,well I am going to try a no booze and no meat Jan....I eat very little meat anyway.I aim to be totally veggy soon.It would be easier if hubby didnt want meat every day!I had tried telling him it is dead animals,but because he has slight dementia,it doesnt seem to get through...Ilona,a big Thank You for all your post,your advice and your ways of showing us a easier way of life.xxx
ReplyDeleteAaah yes, but my course is better than the rest. Your excess weight will drop off you after your starvation diet of half a dozen sprouts and a stick of celery. All your spots and pimples will vanish, your skin will be cleansed after purging your system with three gallons of tap water. And your sleep apnoea will disappear because you will drop off at any time of the day with no problem, and may not wake for 24 hours.
DeleteEven better, Ilona, offer a fasting retreat and you don't have to feed them!
DeleteJust booking my plane ticket from Australia now. Can you pick up from airport?????
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful New Year.
Carol
Yes, can do. After all the money I'm going to make out of this project, that will be another add-on I can charge for. Please include £500 on your bill to cover for this extra, and I'll send Jeeves with the Roller.
DeleteI needed a good laugh this morning.
ReplyDeleteI will send a cheque this morning.
Hazel c uk
Thank you Hazel, I look forward to receiving your dosh. I need every penny.
DeleteThat is so funny. I see you are getting lots of bookings. I have seen the same offers elsewhere, but you have the best prices. Now I just need to sell a few things before I can book. I have a few bridges and some land that can be easily drained. Interested?
ReplyDeleteSorry I have got no money for buying anything.
DeleteHilarious. x
ReplyDelete:o) :o) :o)
DeleteThe funniest thing I have read in a long time! Thanks for the chuckle. I know several people who have paid big money for similar experiences, staying in yurts etc.
ReplyDeleteThey are dafter than me then :o)
DeleteNice one Ilona happy new year and the fur babies x
ReplyDeleteBookings are limited, get yours in soon or you will miss out. I might be able to get you in for 2020
DeleteAs I am a bit short of cash at the moment but very interested in your new venture Ilona-would there be a position for a helper, I could bring my own tee pee?x
ReplyDeleteWhat a bargain! Cash arriving by post any day now!!!
ReplyDeleteHello ilona, hihihihi good one, happy new year!
ReplyDeleteI'll take 2 tickets please. Do you accept chocolate BitCoin?
ReplyDeletexxx