My top tips for Black Friday

Hello. I was just wondering if anyone is going after a bargain or two, on Black Friday. The sale starts tomorrow if you hadn't already heard. You need to be at the shop of your choice at one minute past midnight, to join in the stampede. In fact best to turn up several hours before that and set up camp outside the door. Carefully select the clothing you are going to wear, because there is every chance that you will have to engage in unarmed combat with fellow bargain hunters. No need to dress up in your best togs. Put on your oldest and smelliest gardening gear, a filthy old coat, a mucky old pair of trousers smeared with hoss manure, and a pair of steel toecap boots. You never know, you may have to stamp on someone's hands if they get to the item that you had your eyes on, before you. If you choose the grubbiest clothes you will find  that other people will give you a wide berth, and you will have a better chance of getting what you want because no one will dare approach you.

The electrical departments will be particularly busy, as everyone has their eye on bagging a new gadget or toy to play with. The ones with the screens seem to be favourite, and the bigger the better. Be assertive at the display as you reach for your prize, to ensure no one challenges you. Grab, grab, grab is the best way to approach this. If someone is slightly ahead of you and it looks like they are going for something you have your eyes on, grab them by the hair and sling them to the ground. Be careful however that you don't do any serious damage, as you might get arrested. Then grab the item you want, and barge your way through the rest of the chaos, elbowing people out of the way, until you get to the checkout.

Forget good manners and politeness at these sales, the order of the day is grab whatever you want. Look into your vocabulary and pick out a few choice expletives, be prepared to use them if anyone gets in your way. Posh people will find this quite daunting, not being used to such course language, but don't forget, it's a case of who dares wins. Open your mouth and throw your inhibitions to the wind. Building site navvies will have no problem using this tactic, just pretend you are at work.

Another trick you can utilize is working in a team. Get your friends and family organized into a line, link arms, and force your way forward through the crowd. People may get pushed over as they lose their balance but not to worry, step over them and continue towards your goal. Doing it this way means you can clear the whole display in a matter of seconds, and you all get a share of the loot.

Once through the checkouts, don't let go of your purchase. Guard it because some aggrieved person who was witness to your disgusting behavior may be looking for retribution. Stay alert and look out for the clenched fist aimed at your head, and be prepared to duck.

If you follow my advice, at best you will arrive home in one piece, you will set up your mega flatscreen TV in front of your armchair and will be enjoying a beer, when the police will come a knocking at your door to arrest you. At worst, you will wake up in the supermarket car park, having had seven bells kicked out of you, and your TV shattered into a thousand pieces. Don't worry about the blue light flashing in your eyes, they have come to cart you off to hospital.

The best advice I can give for this Black Friday lark is......
STUFF IT, DON'T BOTHER GOING. 

Thanks for popping in. Catch up soon. Toodle pip