Tuesday, 31 May 2011

It was all a bad dream

I felt a bit off it yesterday, couldn't find any motivation to do anything. I thought I might make a bag, picked the fabric out of my stash, ironed it but the creases wouldn't come out, so I gave up and thought, sod it I can't be bothered. I watched a programme about a very large man who lost a lot of weight after a bypass op, and when it came to the end of it I realised I had just sat through something that I had seen before. My memory is getting worse.

It rained all day yesterday, so that rather put the dampeners on things. Couldn't tidy the garden, was going to visit Sue to take photo's of her new kitties but could find no motivation to step out of the door, so I watched another programme on the computer. This time the Queen story, part one. This was good, Freddie Mercury is my all time favourite music performer, I enjoyed that.

I wondered where all these negative feelings were coming from, it's not like me to mope around feeling sorry for myself. I am usually quite good at giving myself a swift kick up the backside and getting on with things. What caused that blip in my enthusiasm yesterday?

I bet it was the nightmare I had the night before. I woke up in a panic, felt I hadn't had any sleep and been on a journey all night long. Oh my God, it was awful, no wonder I lost the plot. They say you have re occuring dreams, and mine always involves work. That dreaded four letter word 'work'.

I was driving a lorry, trying to find my delivery point, getting lost, got the lorry stuck in a busy street, people crowding around me, they crawled all over the lorry, stealing my load, I tried to phone the police, no one came, I tried to ring my boss and tell him I had been ambushed, I needed help but he didn't answer the phone. I was on my own, so I ran away, then I came back and tried to drive the lorry away but it wouldn't start, then it did start and I couldn't remember which way to go, I wanted to go home but I was lost. I was so worried I would get the sack.

I woke up in a panic, where is the lorry, shall I go and look for it, what day is it, what time do I start work, what load will I have to take out today? I drifted in and out of sleep, after about twenty minutes I managed to calm down, as the realisation started to sink in.

You don't have to go to work any more, that is a life you have left behind. You used to do that to earn money to pay the bills, remember? You don't have to worry about slaving away to earn money any more because you don't need it. You have enough because the government is paying you back some of that income tax you have paid into the system, now it's time to relax and enjoy life.

I need another talking to. I don't need to stress myself out with work any more. I don't need to spend lots of money, so I don't need to earn it. Now for goodness sake, get on with it. It's the start of another beautiful day, don't waste it. The sun is shining, the washing is blowing on the line, the cats are lounging in the garden, and Henry choc lab is coming for a visit and we will go a lovely walk :0)
PS. The above photo was taken by myself. My dolly is almost as old as me.


  1. Cool picture ! Dreams like the one had while unpleasant are perfectly normal - anxiety ridden where nothing comes out right and you are powerless to stop things. Did you eat late maybe or get overtired.
    You have just come back from a pretty intensive trip up North.
    Sometimes I get a bit of reaction after a very busy time. I usually do some thing mindless like mending or sorting out a closet (last time I washed out my dustbins !

  2. Must be the weather Ilona, I had been feeling down Friday and Saturday.
    The sun is shining today and I am back to my old self again :-D
    I think we all have "duvet days" LOL
    I have a troll (remember tham?) that's nearly as old as me, heck, it even looks like me ha ha

  3. The weather always sends me to "Sadville"..a few days of grey and I've really had it, once the sun caomes out, I'm fine.
    Jane x

  4. It's good to have a chill out day, especially when its grey and raining. Don't worry about it, enjoy the glorious weather we are having today.
    Sally (Grimsby)

  5. I walked along the road today to go to my volunteer 'work' with a huge smile on my face because I don't have to go to real work now as I've retired. I looked at all the people rushing about in the lunch hour and thought, "I don't have to do that now." Like you work is now behind me. I've been there, done that, worked hard, paid my dues and now it's time for me to rest. My volunteer 'work' is just playing shop one afternoon a week - no stress and a good laugh and natter. On many days I just smile or chuckle to myself in my new found freedom. Keep living life to the full.
    Love from Mum

  6. You`ve had a bussy time lately, and your brain has not come down from the highs of your trip yet. You`ll be fine in a little while. Just eccept that you need a day to totally chill, occassionally. It`s what your boddy needed.

  7. After your bad dreams at least you found the perfect fix with Queen and the wonderful Freddie. I get dreams like that sometimes when I am UNDER PRESSURE and I think I'M GOING SLIGHTLY MAD. It came to me in a FLASH, all the driving last week reminded you of when the big lorry was DRIVEN BY YOU. ITS A HARD LIFE working like that just to KEEP YOURSELF ALIVE.
    Now you are enjoying your retirement remember THESE ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.......

  8. Don't be too hard on yourself Ilona. You are a remarkable lady but even you must have the odd day off from being remarkable! :)

  9. I think we all have nightmares occasionally, I know I do and they're so real! Maybe you should try some meditation? (Sez me, who can't relax totally in my mind).

  10. Wierd indeed , I was the same Sunday and Monday felt flat, sad and unmotivated so out of character for me too , must have been the weather as I,m fine today now the sund out.
    Sharon L

  11. Ilona, I get into the same rut sometimes, so you're not alone. At least you've been able to blog about it- I just stay away from my computer and 'veg'out!
    Never feel guilty about not having the motivation to do something. I tell myself that it's my body telling me to take it easy today.
    Alas the older we get the wiser our bodies are. Maa.