Hello. I try not to wish my life away, knowing that I am way past the halfway stage, and probably in the last quarter of it. I stopped saying, 'I can't wait until....bladeblah happens,' when thinking about some plans for the future. I hate that term of phrase. I am not putting my life on hold and hopping from one pleasurable experience to the next, with nothing to fill the long gaps in between.
Yes it's nice to have some plans, something to look forward to, but shutting down and plodding from one day to the next, with just dreams to keep me going, is a waste of the time I have left.
When I was working I was happy most of the time, so I never said, 'I can't wait until', because I could. I didn't put life on hold because I had special outing which was planned to happen in six months time. When I started losing interest in the job I wasn't like a zombie, going through the motions and waiting for the weekend. I worked at making the job more pleasurable, filling the gaps between Monday and Friday.
For the long hours of solitary confinement in the cab, talking books were a Godsend. When I had no books I listened to Radio 4, always something to keep the grey matter ticking over there. When I was out of the cab I talked to everyone I met. Other truck drivers, fork lift drivers who were unloading my trailer, smiling at the security gate staff, and passing the time of day with anyone who had a few minutes to spare. Traffic jams were a bit of an inconvenience, and a hindrance to getting on with the job, but even so, looking down at other people in their cars was very entertaining, ha ha.
I can't ever recall having that, 'Monday morning feeling'. By keeping my mind occupied I hardly noticed what day it was. That was until I reached my mid fifties, then I realized that there was so much more I wanted to do and time was passing me by. Then I decided to make changes, ease up on the driving, and free up the time to do other things.
I still don't say, 'I can't wait until.......' because I don't want time to go more quickly than it already does, and it does seem to whizz by the older you get. I try and slow it down by only thinking about what I'm going to do in the next hour, or for the rest of the day, or tomorrow, or at the very most, next week. My life as a lorry driver gave me a sense of worth, I was doing something useful, delivering the goods. Filling my time with something productive, or something useful, or something that will give my life a sense of meaning and worth, is what I still do now.
This is not to say I am on the go every minute of every day, it's good to take time out to reflect, stop for a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, gather thoughts, make plans for the next hour. Right now I need to wash the pots, I have started on the picture again, it's cold so I'll stay indoors for a while until it warms up, then go outside. I need to go shopping, maybe later. I have no idea what I will be doing next month, it's my birthday so I will be doing something, will decide later, but in the meantime I am not putting things on hold waiting for May 16th. It will come in it's own good time.
Must dash, something to do. What's your next job? How will you fill the next 24 hours? Come on. tell.
Painting my WHY I TEACH
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