Well hello there, it's your old friend Nellie Knowitall from Stating the Bleedin Obvious. Queen of Mean has asked me to write the last post of 2013, because she can't be bothered to do it, idle so and so. Don't tell her I said that, she'll have my guts for garters, ha ha.
As you know, I travel a lot, my first love is Vegas, but I will go anywhere where there is sun, sea, and sangria. It's not the hunky men that draw me to these places, no, honestly, oh alright then, I do enjoy ogling a handsome Adonis strutting his stuff on the beach. In fact I can see one right now from my hotel balcony overlooking the shimmering sea in Monte, that's Monte Carlo in case you were wondering. I expect lots of you will be shivering your nuts off in sub zero temperatures in good old Blighty. Never mind, it will soon be spring.
So what's the topic today you might ask. Well true to form, it's all about sensible living, making the most of what you have, and making a happy life for yourself. I don't have to bother with all that scrimping stuff, now that my poor old Horace has popped his clogs. He has left me a sizeable nest egg which will see me through for the rest of my time on this planet. But old habits die hard, and I still find myself looking for yellow stickers every time I step inside a supermarket. Not that I need to go shopping that often, these days I dine out a lot, or have things delivered. But you dear friends might not be in the same enviable position as myself, and need to keep watching every penny you spend.
Surviving in today's economical climate isn't all that difficult you know. You wouldn't believe it, but when I was in my twenties I didn't have a brass farthing to my name. I had six snotty nosed kids hanging onto my skirt, all squealing for food. I had a lazy good for nothing useless waste of space who spent all his dole money down the pub. And I had to go foraging in bins at the back of shops to get the kids something for dinner. It was a chuffin nightmare.
So what did I do to get out of this impossible situation? Well I went on the internet of course. I needed to swap the geezer I had for a better model. There are some cracking sites out there you know. Thousands of pictures of bored single guys, just looking for a ready made family. I struck lucky, found myself a real gent, pots of money, and filthy rich. Too good to be true you might say. Well there was one downside which I was prepared to overlook, he was three weeks short of his 90th birthday, but heyho you can't have everything. I reckoned he was a better bet than the 45 year old I was already hooked up with who was getting on my nerves.
My new man, Horace, was a quiet man, he was no trouble at all, as long as he had his meals cooked for him, clean clothes to wear, and I allowed him the odd kiss on the cheek, he was happy. Non of the old how's your father hankypanky, oh no, I'm past that now. The money kept appearing in my bank account, anything I wanted I could have, no questions asked. I put all the kids through University, they've all got good jobs now, so I'm proud of what I've achieved. I saw the problem, and with my common sense ethos, I worked out a plan to change things round. Got rid of the useless lump who was dragging me down, and hooked up with a better model. Now poor old Horace is no more and I copped for the lot. I drink to his health, as I top up my suntan. Cheers my dear.
Right, what common sense tips can I pass on to you on this last day or 2013. First off has got to be, if things are not working out for you, whether it be in your job, your family, or where you live, for goodness sake, you don't have to put up with it, change it. But beware, if you make the wrong decision or the wrong move learn from it, and change again. Keep changing until you get it right. Life isn't a chuffin rehearsal you know, you are a long time dead.
Here's a few things you might like to change. You don't have enough money to live on. Easy. Earn more, or spend less. Or do as I did, and find a partner to give you some. You need to work out the deal though, what he/she expects in return for handing over their dosh. Don't sell yourself short.
You are fed up of staying in? Well go out more. Not happy with your looks? Change the colour of your hair. Bored with your wardrobe? Get some new second hand clothes. You are too heavy? Eat less, exercise more. You are too skinny? Eat some stodge. You stink of fags? Chuck them in the bin and don't buy any more, or find a partner who also stinks. You are lonely living by yourself? Get a cat or a dog, they don't complain and will love you forever. You have no one to go on holiday with? Go by yourself, you will meet lots of people. That's just a few examples. Whatever the problem is, it can be sorted with a few common sense ideas.
Well my dears, a new year is almost upon us. I shall be knocking back the champers with a few of my millionaire pals, as the clock strikes midnight. I hope you are having a lot of fun, whatever you are doing. All the best for 2014, I hope you have enjoyed my little contributions to Meanqueen's wonderful blog, I shall be popping in from time to time next year. I'll leave you with this little gem, if you pour vast quantities of alcohol down your throat tonight, you will probably throw up, and feel chuffin awful in the morning. The choice is yours. HAPPY NEW YEAR. LOVE FROM NELLIE XXX
Slop in a pot.
4 hours ago