Having a laff

I like to have a titter now and again, life doesn't always have to be dead serious, full consternation (oops big word) and angst (little word). It's best to lighten the tone a bit and not get so hung up on things going wrong or not working out right. A little trip on an uneven flagstone makes me laugh, my trip that is, it wouldn't be right to laugh at someone else who has tripped, unless they are laughing themselves of course. When I say trip, I mean without falling down, a little stumble that's all. It's not funny when someone hurts themselves. It's the silly little things that make me titter, like the umbrella that blows inside out and takes off in the wind, or the kitchen that gets blasted with soup when you lift the blender out too soon. It helps if you can see the funny side of things.

I often laugh at my own little mishaps, like the time I nearly chopped my own finger off with one of those hand held blades that you cut grass with. A sickle I think you call it. I was slashing away at the weeds in my back garden, and not making much progress, all I seemed to be doing was flattening it and not cutting it. So I had this bright idea of grabbing a tuft in my left hand and hacking it with the sickle in my right hand. Yes, I missed and sliced into my finger, ha ha. A good job I lived just down the road from the hospital, and was able to walk there with my hand wrapped in a tea towel dripping with blood. What a pillock eh, won't do that again.

There were several little mishaps when I was driving, it's normal to make mistakes, everyone does it. Like the time I unhooked an empty tank trailer from my tractor unit, at a brewery. The first thing you do is make sure you are on flat level ground, what did I do, I dropped it on a slope. There is a set order of doing things, you need to wind down the legs on the trailer first. Then disconnect the suzi's, those coloured curly cables at the back of the cab, they are the airlines and electrics and they activate the parking brake on the trailer. Then you pull the handle to release the pin, lastly drive the tractor unit away from the trailer leaving it supported by it's legs with it's brakes on. What did I do !?!? I pulled the pin first, head was in the clouds or somewhere else. This released the trailer, and because it was on a slope it parted company with the unit and rolled backwards. It landed on it's knees, (legs not down to support it), and stretched the suzi's till they bust. Ha ha, what a plonker, and how embarrassing. Had to get a fork lift truck to come and lift the front of the trailer so I could wind the legs down, and get a mechanic to come and replace the suzi's. Didn't do that again.

Ok, while I'm at it, confession time, can laugh now, not funny at the time. When I got back to the depot one night I found I was one box of 24 cans of baked beans short. All was intact when I left, rope and sheet job (tarpaulin covering the load), so where was it. I found it on the road as I was driving home in my car, bent cans and beans splattered all over the place. I quickly stopped and jumped out with a carrier bag and picked them all up. Funny that there wasn't 24 squashed cans, someone must have stopped before me and picked up the undamaged ones, ha ha. Nobody ever found out about it.

Oh go on then, I'll tell you another embarrassing story, ha ha. I was at the Lucas factory in Birmingham collecting some machinery, they were closing it down and we were shipping all the equipment out to another site. I had a lowloader trailer which only just fit through the gates. A team of men dismantled the machines and put them on the trailer. It was my job to rope, strap, and chain everything down. I crawled slowly through the gate and started to turn onto the road, hesitating for a second to look behind me to check all was safe. Now this is every drivers nightmare, to see your load move and not be able to do anything to stop it from falling off. I held my breath and prayed, then two very tall upright machines started leaning to one side, like slow motion they fell onto the road. No one told me they were top heavy, and were filled with oil. OMG EEEEK. Everyone came out to see what had made the big bang, the road was covered in oil, the fire brigade had to be called to mop it up. The road was closed, the buses had to divert, and the police interviewed me. I wasn't laughing then, but it's funny when I look back at it now. I wasn't prosecuted, and I wasn't sacked from my job. Phew, that was close.

Hey, do you like jokes? I've found a few which might make you titter.

My tom cat used to stay out all night, so I took him to the vet and had him neutered. Now he still stays out all night - it turns out he likes to watch!

Man to friend, 'I've really had it with my dog, he'll chase anyone on a bike.' Friend, 'What are you going to do? Have him put down?' Man, 'No, I think I'll just take his bike away'.

A man goes for a check-up. The doctor says, 'I'm going to need a urine sample, a semen sample, a blood sample, and a stool sample.' The man replies, 'I'm in a hurry. Can I just leave my underpants?'

Two bachelors are talking about cooking. 'I got a cook book once,' says one. 'But I could never do anything with it.' 'Were the recipes too hard?' asks the other. 'No,' he replies. But each of the recipes began the same way - take a clean dish.....'

It's late evening and Tom's wife catches him pouring six cans of lager down the toilet. 'What on earth are you doing?' she says. Tom replies, 'Well it seems a waste, but I thought it'd save me getting up in the night.'

And now........This has got to be the funniest Mr Bean ever.



It's good to laff. Toodle pip