Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Slave or control freak ?

Although I always imagined I was a free spirit, and in control of my own destiny, it is only now that I realise that couldn't have been further from the truth. I went to school for ten years from age five to fifteen, because we had to or mum would have got into trouble. I started work at the age of fifteen because mum couldn't afford to send me to further education, and I wasn't bright enough. Mum also needed my contribution to the family finances so I had to earn some money.

At the age of eighteen I left home and got a flat because I wanted my freedom and independance. But I didn't really have my freedom because I had to work to pay my rent and feed and cloth myself. I met a man and nearly got married but turned him down because I didn't want to be tied down, so I suppose I was trying to cling on to what bit of freedom I had.

I moved around a bit living in different places, I had a little bit of freedom then but still had to find work to pay my way. I was tied to my sense of responsibility for providing for myself. There was no choice, I had to work.

Then I became a lorry driver and my freedom went right out of the window. I was a total slave to the job, working all hours, staying out overnight, never knowing when I would be going home. By this time I had bought my first house, the thought of being tied to a mortgage terrified me, I couldn't just up sticks and go, I had more responsibilities. Now I was a slave to my bank balance, bills started coming through the door, all these people were after my money, now I was also a slave to the utility companies. I felt totally bogged down, where had my freedom gone? When would I ever get off this treadmill?

Several years later I met a man who promised me the earth. He said he wanted to be with me forever, we would be a couple. I moved house to be nearer to him and was waiting for him to make a move so we could live together. Three years later we were no further on, and no wonder, he was a control freak and I was his slave. People said I had changed, my personality had shrunk to nothing, I didn't have one it was gone and I became quiet and withdrawn. He was a bully, he wanted total control over me and I let him. It was three years of hell, but I didn't see it at the time, love is blind.

Eventually I saw sense and ended the relationship, but he had destroyed my confidence. Slowly I got over it, well you have to don't you, it's either sink or swim, and I swam right to the other end of the pool and got out. I picked up the pieces of my broken heart and put it back together again.

So I made a new life with my pussy cat Bugsybaby. But guess what? Now the tables have turned, the slave I am no longer, now I am the control freak. At last my destiny is in my own hands, never again will anyone tell me what to do. Yes I have a small mortgage, it's easily manageable and I could get rid of it. I have a house that I could sell if I wanted to spend the money, and my pensions are enough to pay for my simple life.

Every morning I wake up and decide what to do. Never again will I be a slave to work, money, or men. Now I am the control freak ;o)

7 comments:

  1. You are most fortunate. In many ways our lives have followed a similar path... only I did marry and then divorce and then marry again... I have never really found the kind of freedom that you talk about - it is very appealing - and I envy you that... but then I could not have that kind of freedom and have four children as well so I guess I have made a willing exchange. the most important thing is that you are happy with who you are (that shows in your posts) and you have taken responsibility for the decisions you have made... I like to think that I have done so too. Now you just have to ENJOY your blessings ... oh and keep writing about them for us to enjoy too!

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  2. Thank you Billie Jane. A little bit of me envies you with your children, but I made my choice and I can live with it. Thank you also for writing your blog which I love reading, in a way we can pinch a little bit of each others lives. So maybe we shouldn't envy each other, just enjoy where we are and share.

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  3. I love your positive attitude and spirit!! You enjoy your freedom and I enjoy reading about it :) My only gripe in life is the mortgage we're tied to, other than that and a bad back life is rosy :) We've been career minded wage slaves and it was rubbish, we had the money but no time or energy to enjoy it, we are now skint but very happy.
    Twiggy x

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  4. Well, - looks like we all might have had diverse lives. I still struggle to this day to make my current relationship work. At times it seems very appealing to ditch it all and adopt a solitary way of living. I guess, after two bad marriages I`m kind of frightened to give up on this one. Deep down he is a good guy, just looses his sense of common sense when dealing with his own kids and their troublesome behaviours.
    I raised three kids, was a stay at home mum for them, and did the frugal bit throughout it all. Now I`m in fulltime employment, I do miss having time to do what I`d like to do. My garden suffers. But, I am better off financially now. Still, I do miss some of the frugal times, like time to create my own preserves and growing my veg. Dispite it all I do enjoy having my campervan and having the freedom now to just roam on weekends, if I so desire. You win some and loose some, I guess.

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  5. Thanks for your lovely comment on my blog. Ilona, that is spooky as I haven't watched The Railway Children since my Dad died, just thinking about that scene makes me cry too:( Twiglet is train mad and his Nana said ooo shall we watch it last Christmas but I just couldn't.
    Twiggy x

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  6. Fantastic blog! sometimes I'm the dog and sometimes I'm the lamp post, depending on the 'life goggles' I'm wearing.

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  7. Crikey Ilona that brought a lump to my throat and a tear to my eye. I really admire the way you have chosen to live, and the freedom you have finally got for yourself. I try not to let money rule my life but with a big house, DH and 3 big sons to take care of it's always a bit of a worry...

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