Saturday, 7 March 2015

A day in selfies

THE NITTYGRITTY Z LIST CELEBRITY GOSSIP COLUMN,
FOR ONE DAY ONLY. 


There is an insatiable appetite for selfies which has been raging for almost a year now. Everywhere you go people are pointing their camera at themselves and posting the pictures on social media networking sites. Prime Ministers are joining in, film stars, TV personalities, sports stars, and even Z list bloggers are becoming obsessed with the notion of  getting their mush out there on the world wide web. Here is the latest batch to arrive at the offices of NITTYGRITTY, the magazine that everyone reads. 
The email accompanying these photo's states that the subject is keen to break into the modeling world. 'After all', she says, 'why should Katie Price get all the best jobs, she should move over and give others a chance.' 
This 65 year old pensioner has issued these publicity shots in the hope that she is spotted by a scout and is offered a lucrative modelling assignment, preferably in the Bahamas, as she would like to get away to the sunshine to top up her tan. Meet Meanqueen. 
This first shot is amazing, it shows her dogged determination to scrub those teeth till they shine Go for it girl, you've got a great set of  choppers there. 
Meanqueen has oodles of patience, once she sets her mind on doing something, she will more often than not stick it out to the end. Here she is busy stitching away on her current piece of artwork. She works that fast the needle almost sets the canvas alight.  
Meanqueen's super fit body is all down to eating good healthy food. Here she is sitting outside in the sun, scoffing a plate of  salad. There's lettuce, cucumber, beetroot, cheese, quiche, carrot, and pickled onion. A great combination for a tasty salad. 
A few swigs of cider to wash it down and a few minutes to relax before she goes outside again to tackle some jobs in the garden. There's no stopping this girl, she has to keep busy. 
Meanqueen looks after her plants like they are family, There has been no rain for a few days so the first job is to give all her babies a drink. Watering can at the ready, it's not tap water she uses, no that would be wasteful, but the rain from the sky is free. She collects it in an assortment of buckets and bowls and uses it for washing the car, watering the plants, and flushing the toilet. 
Oh dear, that doesn't look too healthy Meanqueen. With a look of sadness on her face she deposits the remains of the stricken plant unceremoniously onto the compost heap. 'So sorry dear plant, but your life will not be wasted, you will live again another day when a new plant will spring up from the seeds I scatter.'

Wow, that's a big nail, Meanqueen. She gets to work with the stanley knife and a screwdriver, taking down the old plastic greenhouse, carefully removing all the nails with the hammer so that the wood can be used again. Such an innovative woman, recycle is her middle name.

The jobs are finished in the garden, time to go inside and sit down for ten minutes. She reaches for a Liberte real yogurt Greek style from the fridge. No wonder she has a smile on her face, she managed to get a pack of four of these little beauties for the knockdown price of 44p. A massive saving from the original price of £2.19. A little taste of heaven for 11p, marvelous. 
The day has not quite ended, she still finds time to practice her modelling poses. Just look at that fantastic bikini body. Who would know that this svelte lady is underneath all those bulky clothes she wears to keep herself warm. Surely it's only a matter of time before we see her on the cover of one of the glossies, and then she will be able to drop the Z list and move up to the top of the A list.  
Thank you Meanqueen for your collection of selfies, you sure did pick some good ones there.

60 comments:

  1. WOW , you did make me laugh , What a great body for a 65 yaer old though , Well done xxx

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  2. OMG, Meanqueen, you got the bootie girlfriend, u go take those selfies!!!
    Ps I don't usually speak like that but that's how I people who read those types of magazines comment so I thought is get into the spirit! You look great, you absolutely should be a model. Much better than those horrendous plastic dollies the media spoon feed us. Go, Ilona!

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  3. Thanks for giving me a chuckle today. Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

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  4. Soooooooooooooooooo funny. Great body selfie, you put a lot of younger women to shame, with their muffin tops and wobbly thighs. xx

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  5. Wow! That is the best thing I've ever read!! :D You rock!

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  6. I will take your pictures over Kim Kardashian any day! Thanks for the fun!

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    1. LOL I was going to razz her a bit about the Kim Kardashian/Paris Hilton silliness but you beat me to the punch!

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  7. What a bod! Loved this, you are ace! x

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    1. You've got a pretty good bod as well, and more tanned than mine.

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  8. You always make me smile :-) Great selfies!!

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  9. Loved this post Ilona, you are great.
    Your body, well wow, what a great example you are to be sure.
    Thanks for the fun and inspiration.
    Love from Pam in TX.xx

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  10. Didn't realize you were a lefty. DM

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    Replies
    1. I don't think she is. I think its 'cos the pic is taken in front of a mirror, so it is a reflection.

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    2. Correct. I am right handed.

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  11. I agree with the others rather have your selfie's over the others!!

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  12. Thank you Ilona. You always get straight to the point and on top of the latest news. Love your model pose. What a body! You put me to shame. I will get out my walking boots and a hammer and walk until I find something to bash! Love Ann x

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  13. Good heavens we need a warning. My husband was reading this with me!! ;0). You look lovely on every pic. I like the one sipping from a can - it reminds me of me. I think this may have been my favourite of your posts so far. Take care. Debbie x.

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  14. I think I better start walking more!

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  15. Ilona, what a great post. It made me laugh.
    Rosezeeta.

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  16. You are such fun Ilona !
    Wendy (Wales)

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  17. Ilona, you never cease to amaze me! Dahling......... you look marvelous. (And you have a killer sense of humour!

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  18. I am sure that the modeling agencies will be beating down your door! Get packed for the Bahamas.

    You are the best, Ilona.

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  19. This was a great post! You did such a good job with it. Thanks for sharing, and yes, you look pretty good for your age! You go girl!

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  20. Hahahaha!!!! Hilarious! I love each and every one of your pictures. :) :) :) I love both your blog and your optimism. Every day is a new chance to smile.

    Danielle from USA

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  21. Hi.Such fun,thank you.Gosh you are very fit and strong and looking good in the bikini selfie.Really enjoyed the writing wit.Bye for now, D.

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  22. It's unanimous you rock!! Perfect example of a fit 65 year old body. You are a great inspiration for young and old.
    P.S. My husband is not commenting.....I use his email address for everything. Patty Mc

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  23. Absolutely hilarious, love it. Is there any chance of an autographed picture LOL

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  24. Kardashian has nothing on you.

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  25. Brilliant - gave me a good chuckle! But, you omitted to add a selfie with a duck face! ;)

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    1. Yes, sorry I forgot. Also no cleavage, I haven't got any, ha ha.

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  26. You're a legend Ilona - that's the biggest compliment we Aussies can bestow on someone!
    AussieCheryl : )

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  27. Great post..... you make me laugh...brilliant

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  28. Holy Moly Ilona! You saved the best pic to last - fabulous body indeed. It made me think of the snapshot of Helen Mirren taken of her in her bikini a couple of years ago. Both of you over 60 and super fit in all senses of the word!

    Linda xx

    PS Sorry about the death of your plant xx

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  29. you should take up modelling. Superb figure.

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  30. You rock! I laughed out loud when I read this. Natalie

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  31. I wish I had a figure like yours, and I'm 9 years younger than you!

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  32. Some 20 year old would envy your shape, what a lovely, light-hearted post:-)

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  33. I'm shocked I tell you I am shocked !
    Only joking you are a star x

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  34. Ha ha that was very good, very funny, you have a great sense of humour Ilona!! xx

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  35. I always enjoy your daily postings. This was one of the best.I've chuckled over it all day.
    Helen in France

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  36. Great post and really funny too. You are in great shape Ilona which must be a reflection if your healthy lifestyle. Kristel.

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  37. Loved this! The first paragraph made me laugh out loud but if you don't promote yourself, who will? I like to see and read about regular folk. I have nothing in common with Kim K. P.S. Does she have a big ole butt or what? Cjoyce

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  38. What a woman and what a fab figure, good for you :) Made me smile, the world needs more women like you x

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  39. Ha, ha, ha! I said I'd be back to look at your blog again and maybe comment and I came across this. Love your sense of humour and wish I had the guts to do selfies, which I haven't. Must do some salad tomorrow. I found some chick peas which needed soaking and didn't use them as I thought they took hours to cook but they only took 20 minutes, so they will go on it.

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  40. made me laugh out loud here in oz

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  41. Fantastic Ilona, brilliant post. Love your sense of humour, you always bring a smile and what a body - Can not believe you are 65, a true inspiration. VAL.

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  42. Best Post Yet! That Meanqueen is one hell of a woman!!

    Darlene

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  43. Loved it! Especially your running narrative. You should spoof a documentary or newscast with your philosophy on frugality, and retirement. I agree, though about your fabulous physical fitness. You must be doing something right! Mary Jane in Canada.

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  44. Oh Meanqueen, have some agents contacted you yet? I hope when you land your lucrative modeling job you will continue to blog, and to remember us, "the little people" who knew you before fame came your way.

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  45. Meanqueen you are SO funny! Your blog is my absolute favourite. Your healthy diet and walking have kept you in amazing shape! You really are an inspiration. Caz x

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  46. Now, if you don't get a lucrative modeling contract with these selfies, I don't know who will!
    You are simply the best, you already are a model for lots of us!

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  47. Love it! Get you, what a great bod! You put me to shame. Roll on that model contract...

    X x

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  48. Wow Meanqueen...you are a star.. so hilarious... love the one of you swigging on a can of cider lol....woman after my own heart. I read your blog every day...don't often comment but this post is brilliant! Wish I could be a vege but alas it wouldn't work for me! Love the meals you eat though... have tried one or two :) Love the selfie... I took my first (and last!) selfie last weekend whilst weeding the garden...Great blog... love it.

    Jo in Auckland, NZ

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  49. Brilliant set of pictures. The magazines will be beating down your door to get some more, hold out for the highest price though you have lots more 11p yogurts to buy!! (Super fit body in that last pic, I think you have us all jealous of your healthy ways.)

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