Thursday, 26 November 2015

My top tips for Black Friday

Hello. I was just wondering if anyone is going after a bargain or two, on Black Friday. The sale starts tomorrow if you hadn't already heard. You need to be at the shop of your choice at one minute past midnight, to join in the stampede. In fact best to turn up several hours before that and set up camp outside the door. Carefully select the clothing you are going to wear, because there is every chance that you will have to engage in unarmed combat with fellow bargain hunters. No need to dress up in your best togs. Put on your oldest and smelliest gardening gear, a filthy old coat, a mucky old pair of trousers smeared with hoss manure, and a pair of steel toecap boots. You never know, you may have to stamp on someone's hands if they get to the item that you had your eyes on, before you. If you choose the grubbiest clothes you will find  that other people will give you a wide berth, and you will have a better chance of getting what you want because no one will dare approach you.

The electrical departments will be particularly busy, as everyone has their eye on bagging a new gadget or toy to play with. The ones with the screens seem to be favourite, and the bigger the better. Be assertive at the display as you reach for your prize, to ensure no one challenges you. Grab, grab, grab is the best way to approach this. If someone is slightly ahead of you and it looks like they are going for something you have your eyes on, grab them by the hair and sling them to the ground. Be careful however that you don't do any serious damage, as you might get arrested. Then grab the item you want, and barge your way through the rest of the chaos, elbowing people out of the way, until you get to the checkout.

Forget good manners and politeness at these sales, the order of the day is grab whatever you want. Look into your vocabulary and pick out a few choice expletives, be prepared to use them if anyone gets in your way. Posh people will find this quite daunting, not being used to such course language, but don't forget, it's a case of who dares wins. Open your mouth and throw your inhibitions to the wind. Building site navvies will have no problem using this tactic, just pretend you are at work.

Another trick you can utilize is working in a team. Get your friends and family organized into a line, link arms, and force your way forward through the crowd. People may get pushed over as they lose their balance but not to worry, step over them and continue towards your goal. Doing it this way means you can clear the whole display in a matter of seconds, and you all get a share of the loot.

Once through the checkouts, don't let go of your purchase. Guard it because some aggrieved person who was witness to your disgusting behavior may be looking for retribution. Stay alert and look out for the clenched fist aimed at your head, and be prepared to duck.

If you follow my advice, at best you will arrive home in one piece, you will set up your mega flatscreen TV in front of your armchair and will be enjoying a beer, when the police will come a knocking at your door to arrest you. At worst, you will wake up in the supermarket car park, having had seven bells kicked out of you, and your TV shattered into a thousand pieces. Don't worry about the blue light flashing in your eyes, they have come to cart you off to hospital.

The best advice I can give for this Black Friday lark is......
STUFF IT, DON'T BOTHER GOING. 

Thanks for popping in. Catch up soon. Toodle pip




39 comments:

  1. I feel sorry for the staff that have to put up with lots of aggro.

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  2. I read this with great interest, being very fond of a bargain or 3. I have considered very carefully all of the tactics and have made my decision.
    I am with you so stuff it I will keep well away from the shops, mind you the thought of wearing my oldest smelliest garden gear to a big shiny electrical store is sooooo tempting, I even have the manure handy.

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  3. ....you forgot the next part of the story, Ilona: forget what you bought in the first place, stick it in a cupboard for a while then take it out and fly-tip it somewhere!

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    1. Ha ha, very good. Thanks for finishing the story.

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  4. It sounds like you have been watching the news from the USA about what goes on over here on the day after Thanksgiving. So very embarrassing. Don't you Brits get started on this!

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    1. Too late ... it started properly last year :-(

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  5. I so enjoyed your video of a couple of days ago, got lots of information from it. You get a chuckle out of this: Half way through the video, I found I had to go to the loo, so I just turned the volume up on the computer and listened to your voice while sitting on the throne! Love it!!!

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    1. Ooo err, I came with you to the loo.

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  6. Quite right MQ - no need to be polite in these circumstances, it's all about the thrill of the chase. In fact people love the sport of it all. Definitely be 'assertive' and keep your eye on the prize. I like your clever tactic of dressing in dirty clothes but for me I always find dressing 'weird' gives me a head start on the rest. I cover myself in fake tattoos, blacken out my front teeth, and dress head to toe in sports wear and perhaps a little dark eye shadow under one eye. I think this gives the competition the right message. Once you have safely secured your bargain it is only common courtesy to post it on the internet so others feel compelled to join in the fun! Good luck everyone! Debbie

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  7. Ilona - Wonderful stuff! You always make us laugh. No wonder it is called Black Friday - black eyes, black bruises, black looks to say the least! I just look forward to all those mad pictures in the tabloids. I don't think it will be Black Friday at our Co-op though! Ann x

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  8. .just order on line and get it delivered to your door. Plenty choice and bargains ont tinter ! Unless you enjoy a scrap, ha ha. ( Ann....Co-op's idea of money off is about 10p)

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  9. Black Friday is so yesterday here in the U.S. Here many stores are opening later today, Thanksgiving - a holiday. Sad. But actually I'll probably be looking for a few good deals sitting in my pajamas and shopping online. Free shipping and no fighting the crowds. I use one credit card and have never had any problem, even earn points along the way. Then I'll venture out to the stores in a few days to look at the decorations and maybe stop with my mom for a cup of hot chocolate.

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  10. Then take it all back the next day when you find it wasn't what you wanted anyway....loathe it.
    Arilx

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  11. Stay indoors and buy handmade not brandmade - 50% off this weekend in my Etsy shop - if not allowed ilona, then please delete https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/SolsticeDays
    Jo

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    1. You have a nice blog, Jo :o)

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    2. thanks, I've been blogging since 2008 and followed yours for ages, lots of common sense which seems to be missing a lot these days

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  12. This was so funny!
    We decided to try Black Friday shopping just once. We got up at 3.30 a.m. to head north of town to Walmart. The parking lot was already jammed so we drove and parked at a fast food Taco place next door. There was no lighting, we held hands and marched towards the lights of Walmart- when BAM we both tripped over a hidden curb and went splat flat on the ground. Our hands and chins were grazed and bleeding. We used paper hankies to clean up as best as possible and went on into the store. It was the year after someone had been stomped to death at Walmart in the crush so they had security and first aid folks all over. They all came rushing to us, thinking we'd been hurt in a stampede! We explained, of course, and they gave us plasters etc. We got a lot of attention!
    That was the first and last time we tried Black Friday shopping. JanF

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    1. But did you actually get a bargain?

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    2. Yes, after cleaning ourselves up in the washrooms , we bought the one item we had gone for. Learned our lesson and are very careful now about walking in the dark and watching for falls. JanF

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  13. Black Friday finally has made its way to Germany. I saw some ads in the papers today. Thank you so very much, US, for sharing this valuable piece of culture!

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    1. I am sorry, I didn´t want to offend the Americans in general. I read a lot of American blogs and I nkow that there are so many nice, thoughtful people there. Of course, the media and the economy pick up only what is interesting for them. I apologize for being so rude. One should never comment on the first impulse . . .

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    2. Hi Hilde, Don't worry about it. I didn't see anything wrong with your comment. It followed the, 'tongue in cheek' tone of my post. I never set out to offend, and I'm sure you didn't, if some people see it that way it's up to them. Please carry on commenting.

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  14. http://www.theguardian.com/money/blog/2015/nov/26/black-friday-buy-nothing-day
    I prefer your ideas, but here's an article.

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  15. Brilliant post. I just loved it.
    Helen out in rural France where this 'custom' hasn't caught on yet.

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  16. such a funny post Ilona. Thanks for the laugh

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  17. This post is hilarious! I loved it!
    Could've done without the disparaging remarks about the US from the comment section, though. So easy to blame a country full of people you've never met....it does get old.

    I love your blog, Ilona, and I think you're tops!

    Have a wonderful weekend! I know I will!
    Lisa

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  18. Sharpen your elbows! Natalie

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  19. That sounds horrible thank goodness we don't have it here. There are Boxing Day sales in the city though that we have no need of. AussieCheryl : )

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    1. Watch out, Cheryl - I'm sure it won't be long before this greed fest reaches your shores!

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  20. So you have Black Friday too? I didn't know that!! I thought it was just us Americans who do that. I have never participated in Black Friday sales. Nor will I ever participate. If you really need to get stuff for Christmas on sale, the sales will be on from now til Christmas day and afterwards. And, like others said, you can just do it online from the safety of your home while having a cup of tea and no need to fight the crowds. There really is nothing I need out there so bad. I hope no one gets hurt this year.

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  21. There was a sale this morning (yes, 6am on Thanksgiving, where the store had everyone line up inside and as each tv was brought out, the first person in the line got it after paying for it. Saved damage to merchandise and people. No fights. I was back in the cat food and cat litter dept. since they had a once a year sale. A woman who does cat fostering bought 1,996 pounds or 57 huge tubs of litter, piles of big bags of dry cat food and over 200 cans of cat food. She SAVED $576. Several employees had to help her and her truck barely made it home due to weight.
    Ana USA

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    1. Blimey, talk about bulk buying, still, if it saves money..........

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  22. From Margie in Toronto - Canadian Thanksgiving was in October and it's always on a Monday - so a long weekend and then back to work, Black Friday started creeping in here about 3 years ago - Cdn. stores started joining in because so many Canadians headed south of the border to spend their money there. Now, with our dollar being so low lots of Americans head up here because their money goes further.
    Personally, you couldn't pay me enough money to go near a mall tomorrow! I used to work in retail as a student (and always had to work Boxing Day) and I always swore when it was my choice I'd never go near a store on those sorts of days and never have! I like a bargain as much as the next one - and got a new winter coat at 50% off (desperately needed as last year's is 3 sizes too big) but there really isn't anything else that I actually NEED at the moment so I'll just stay away.

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  23. Hi.Very witty and funny,Ilona! Not my cup of tea this Black Friday thing,I shudder at the thought.Bye for now,D.

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  24. Ilona, you've just described what it's like at yellow sticker time in my local supermarket. Black Friday every week day at 7.30pm!

    Seriously though, I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole. I don't have a tv and I can't afford any gadget bargains anyway. Although I will admit to buying a couple of online half price machine embroidery designs from Urban Threads,com to make some embroidered pouches for my wee shop https://www.etsy.com/shop/CrystalMoonCat I'd dearly love to upgrade my embroidery machine but spookily enough UK Black Friday sales never seem to include them. There must be a UK sewing machine cartel fixing prices!!!!

    Linda xxx

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  25. Me again! I saw this piece on the BBC news site this morning and immediately thought of you!!

    Why don't women become truckers? http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-34922131

    Linda xx

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  26. Have been ill so only just catching but with your posts. This is just so funny and really cheered me up when I needed it most. I hate the rampant consumerism of this event and really dislike seeing people behaving like idiots. I've had a nice quiet day at home with my dogs. Kristel

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  27. I really enjoyed celebrating Black Friday but not spending anything at all :)

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