Friday, 5 October 2012

Say what you think, say what you mean

Just thought I would throw this random post into the mix, some random thoughts going through my head, which may or may not interest you. Something John said from DUYH triggered it off. He said he wears his heart on his sleeve. I had to look this up as I wasn't sure of the correct meaning. According to the Cambridge Dictionary it means 'to make your feelings and emotions obvious rather than hiding them'. 

Now I don't think that's a bad thing, I am a bit like that. I've always been an 'up front' kind of person, what you see is what you get so to speak. Sometimes I think I may let too many cats out of the bag, and give too much away, but something tells me it's better to be like that than to bottle things up and keep secrets. In relationships I hate not knowing and I hate uncertainty. I am not a very good guesser of what is going through other people's minds, so sometimes there is a chance I could put my bloody great foot in it. Oh yes, I've made a few bloomers in my time, opened my mouth before I've got my brain into gear, ha ha.

I much prefer the type of person who is able to say what they think, I would rather they do not hold back and retreat within themselves, because I am hopeless at reading between the lines. I need things spelling out to me, I need people to be honest with their opinions and thoughts. I can't read minds. I know that if everyone said exactly what they were thinking there would be quite a few hurt feelings, so saying that I do have a little bit of tact and diplomacy within me. I would not knowingly set out to be rude or to hurt someone.

There have been times when I've had to hold my tongue, and that has been quite difficult to do because of my openess (is that a word?) and because I prefer to embrace truth and honesty. I hate pussyfooting around, and treading on eggshells, far better to say what one thinks, or is it? That brings me on to telling untruths, porkies, big ones and little white ones. No point in telling someone their dress sense is crap if they are happy with it, why burst their bubble. Mind you, I don't mind if someone tells me my DIY haircut looks rubbish, I can take it, and will probably agree with them, ha ha. I really don't like liars who lie to make themselves look good. Some of it maybe a bit of harmless bullshit, I think I can spot that a mile off. But if someone keeps their cards close to their chests, (another good saying), I immediately wonder, hey what's going on here, what have they got to hide?

I dislike conflict of any kind and will go out of my way to avoid it, so it is much easier for me to know where I stand with people. I met someone from a forum once, and thought we got on quite well. I was shocked when afterwards she sent me some quite nasty messages, still not saying why she did not like me. I was completely oblivious to the vibes I must have been giving out, for her to dislike me so much. To this day I still do not know what I did or said to annoy her. So by wearing my heart on my sleeve I leave myself open to being hurt. Even so, I think that is preferable than withdrawing into a shell and  keeping stuff festering inside.

I am amazed by the number of people in relationships who have secrets from their partner. This scenario comes up quite a lot on the Money Saving Expert forums. Usually one partner has a lot of debt that the other one doesn't know about. Now I don't know how the mechanics work in a long term relationship, I have been in a few many years ago, that's if you can call six years 'long term', and I wonder how one person who has made a commitment to live with another as a couple can have such a whopping big secret. How awful to find out that the person you are shacked up with is not the person you thought they were. Yeah, we've all got skeletons in the cupboard, most of them so trivial they're completely forgotten about. But for someone to say, honey I forgot to tell you, I owe fifty thousand quid to a loan company and my cards are maxed out to a few grand, you could be forgiven for getting on the next train and getting the hell out of there. Obviously if the relationship is very strong the couple might be able to find a way to work through the crisis, but wouldn't life be easier if people were more upfront and declared their secrets in the first place.

Anyway, I think 'wearing your heart on your sleeve' also means not holding back on your emotions, in my mind, that is also a good thing. Sometimes you just gotta let it be known how you are feeling. By speaking about whatever is bothering you helps you to work things out. I have always had the ability to dig into my thoughts and come up with a solution and move on.

I think I've rambled enough, it's lunch time and I want to use up the rest of the white paint before another skin forms and I have to bin the tin. Ha ha, bin the tin, that's a good one. What's the moral of this story, whatever you want to make of it really. All I can say is that I like people who say what they think, and say what they mean. Toodle pip.

21 comments:

  1. A very interesting post. I am starting , very slowly, to be more up front with my feelings but sometimes it feels alien as I'm more used to keeping them to myself and letting them fester.
    Interesting lunch - paint?
    Carolx

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  2. Tend to agree, some people are just too secretive, I always think they've got something to hide?
    And nobody likes liars.

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  3. Funny, but Arnold Schwarzzeneger popped in to my mind about those keeping secrets as a way of living. Over here in the US, he is promoting himself via an autobiography of sorts, ad nauseum. Anyway...I am the same as you, and I just got 'dumped' by a friend (or so I thought?) of more than 30 years. With no warning nor explanation. Saw her (awkward..and frustrating) in a shop last week; she walked past me and looked right through me. ???? I did have to allow grief (as in the death of someone) to arise privately at home and it took over a month (the dump happened this past July and I hadn't seen her 'til last week) to process that there is no longer a relationship.

    If your post or my comment can help anyone out there that thinks cutting someone out of one's life (not talking abusive person...that's another level); a friend that you no longer wish to be involved with: PLEASE, for the love of God...just tell us. Something along the lines of: "Hey...I have alot of stuff I can't explain going on right now. I need to pull back for awhile. Probably a long time. I'll be okay, but will get back in touch when I can." Does that sound awful? Well...I'd rather that than you drop me from your cell and when I text (as usual) I don't get the "Who are u?" response!!!!

    Tact and some consideration. It's not hard.

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  4. Should also have added: instead of nasty emails as well!!

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  5. I can't abide lies,all they ever do is cause hurt and harm. Someone lies to me (I don't mean "you look nice , Jane" when I don't)then I want nothing to do with them.
    Jane x

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  6. I totally agree. I've known a few liars in my time and once you realise they're not who you think they are (and yes, it takes me a long time too), then I feel awful.

    I am definitely one for putting my foot in it and saying the wrong thing (ask the boyfriend!) but like you I wouldn't want to hurt somebody's feelings.

    It's good to know how you stand. It stops people playing mind games with you.

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  7. What a fine post Ilona. That Hub bloke seems such a decent chap. Mind you I do believe in his younger days his honesty could be quite painful. Luckily he learned to hold back as he got older. I was going to say matured, but that hasn't happened yet.
    The Hub likes the way you style your hair, and he likes you too as a person. I know that for a true fact.
    I have know idea why he is writing this as if he were someone else!

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  8. Its all this TV isnt it? Everyone wants to be the star turn so fibbing is the only way they can stand out.
    I hate standing out, I'd much rather be in the shadows ,it's more peaceful.

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  9. I am such a cut to the chase no nonsense person. It was difficult for my husband at first as he was a beat around the bush kind of guy. He has slowly changed and says exactly what he wants to now - it still occasionally hurts a feeling but there are zero secrets in our marraige and certainly no festering situations. We have a much stronger marraige because of it. By the way I like your self done haircut and if I could do that well I would cut mine own too.

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  10. Well I quite like your blog because of the way you are.
    My motto for life now is 'What you see is what you get, if you don't like it, pass on by.'
    I have had a few poisonous friends in the past, to be honest when friendships give more pain than gain it is time to say goodbye.

    I think that life is for living, it's not a practise run for the rest of your life . . .

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  11. Hi Ilona, That post has certainly given food for thought. I like your blog and look forward to your posts, you talk a lot of sense and it's entertaining too. I tend to keep myself to myself, have a few close friends that know me insides out that I keep in touch with. I would help one of them out in a second, as I know they'd do the same for me. Although, there have been times in the past that I've helped people out and not seen them for dust afterwards, which makes me kind of wary now of new people. I'll talk to anyone and have a bit of banter with them but I like my own company and I don't like pushy people. I've had people say I'm outspoken to the point of rudeness, maybe due to me being taken for granted by so many so called friends over the years, so now it's time to be a bit selfish and not be trampled on by the masses, I look out for myself and my boys. In the past I've looked out for friends but they were fair weather, not genuine like I thought they were, so been burnt a bit, so my circle is a lot smaller and my true friends I can count on one hand. No blokes for me either, done with that, my boys come first. Workmates have tried to set me up with guys, but I've set them straight on that, need it like a hole in the head. I plug away day to day and just get on with things, fairly independent sort who would rather get on with things myself than bother asking anyone to help out. Just the way I was brought up. Hope you got on alright with your painting and got it all finished up. Managed to grab some real bargains tonight at Tesco, 4p for a big chunk of turnip 5p bags of carrots and 4p spring greens, there was loads. Soup for us tomorrow. Night night. Christy

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  12. To "wear your hear on your sleeve" has more to do with showing emotions rather than being an open book. It certainly started that way. Showing passion and compassion easily is a good example of "wearing your heart on your sleeve."

    This can cause two problems. 1) some people use their emotions and supposedly openness to manipulate people. Their passion for a cause often leads others to like them--the only goal in being open. Ofren, the openness can be a lucrative business--picture crying for the flock to get money that never goes to the flock. 2) People know how to push your buttons. They know your passions and will be a bully about these things. There is a saying, "He can't get your goat if he doesn't know where it is tied." Do not reveal too much so that a person can push your buttons. Revealing everything is often just "diarrhea of the mouth" or a "brain dump."

    People who "play it close to the vest" are more private and should not be excoriated for their personality, (I never heard "chest" in he saying. Exactly what is it about people that they feel like they should be privy to thoughts a person does not want to give up.

    "Playing it close to the vest" protects people. You publish so much about your walks that if a person were a mine to, he could rob your house despite neighbors. He/she could waylay you and do you harm. Many people have published their vacations and have come home to find empty houses, squatters, all sorts of nasty surprises because they chose not to use good judgment.

    People who complain that someone "plays it close to the vest" are usually irritated because that privte person won't reveal the price of his car, how much she makes, who she is dating, why they never go swimming....well, none of your damn business. We really don't have to explain ourselves to anyone. Business people often "play it close the the vest." Another saying, "Loose lips sink ships."

    In this day of the internt, telephones, computers, twitter, etc. people think they have a right to your private thoughts. The more that people with no "need to know" press me for personal information, the more I dig in my heels. Now, I will freely tell some personal things, but only if it is my idea. The person who believes that he/she is entitiled to know anything about my life is not going to get anything but grief.

    There is a limit to openness that is tolerable. Some people have no censor in their brains and just say whatever they feel without regard to the effect it will have on others. Often those people are the same ones who think they are entertaining all within earshot with private conversations.

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  13. Phew! So much to think about here. I like your blog because you tell it like it is, even though I don't agree with everything you say. Lying and deceit are big no-no's in my book, but at the same time I find it hard to be open about myself with people until I know them better, but once I know them and trust them I am pretty open. I can't lie to someone just to go along, but I don't want to hurt people's feelings. I find that a difficult conflict.

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  14. I totally agree with you. I find that being honest with some people, such as letting them know you don't like being used,turns them against you as if you are at fault and they take no responsibility for their actions.

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  15. Wow, a lot has been happening overnight here, I love checking in early in the morning to read your comments. Thanks to PP for adding your perspective on the discussion, I do understand what you say about using emotions to manipulate people, and knowing what pushes buttons. I think some of that is learnt from childhood, and carried through to later life.

    Chris, I don't mind if you don't agree with everything I say. I would rather people pop in here, if they want to, and make comments if they want to, or not, whatever the case may be.

    Hi Christy, good haul there with the yellow stickers :o) I am a bit wary of new people I meet, but I think I can make a judgement quite early on whether I want to take it any further. At least the chat was entertaining for the short time we were in each others company, and there is virtually no chance that our paths will cross ever again.

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  16. Hi Ilona What alot to think about !!! I was always unsure about myself and always doing things to please other people and not pleasing myself. To this day my mother will still have a go at me for the way I dress or the way I have cut my own hair (which I think looks great). These coments have always held me back, but then I saw Shirley Bassey sing in concert that song "I am what I am !" and it was a lightbulb moment for me. So what if people don't like it if I don't conform to THEIR way of thinking, that's their problem not mine. Be kind and be true to what you want out of YOUR life. after all its your life not their's. I feel better now I've got that down in writing!!! kind regards Jean

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  17. LOL...I can spell, however, I am having eye problems and can barely see the screen when I type! Did you hear of the young woman who published her itinerary as she was making a trip by canoe along the Great Lakes here in the US? She told exactly where she would come ashore each night. Someone was waiting for her and he raped her.

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  18. No I didn't hear about that, PP. That was a silly thing to do. My itinery is never finalised before I start walking, no one knows where I am at any given time.

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  19. I think people are quick to judge others. Sometimes the bigger picture will reveal the truth. I just try to be kind, help if I can and be open about myself. When people keep things to themselves how can others show some thoughtfullness? ( Is that even a word?) lol

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  20. I`m all for honesty and openess, but I do get accused of being too honest or even too blunt in my opinions, at times. I was brought up to be the way I am and make no excuses for it. So, why do people not accept that I do not wish to tell lies? My partner often says to me that I should not volunteer too much information about myself, and often this is in regards to some official papers I might have to fill out for the Dole office or such like. I don`t want to be misleading in any way and know it`s necessary to be open and upfront when deeling with official matters. Some people are just too willing to hide behind a false facade. I`d feel pretty disgusted with myself if I would do such a thing. My concience would not even allow it. Maybe, in our modern lives we are suposed to be leading, most folk just have no idea what it is to have an honest character and a clear concience anymore. I know which way I prefer to be.

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  21. Hi Ilona: P.S. From Chris,
    I knew you wouldn't mind if I said I didn't agree with everything you say, that's why I felt free enough to say it. And I'm quite sure you wouldn't agree with everything I say either. But we certainly wouldn't fight about it. I'll be back :}

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