My party political speech

Good morning. I see the political circus has kicked off, we are now to be bombarded with endless reports of what each party has to offer, promises that may or not materialize, and slanging matches that would be better suited to a kids playground. Why not go the whole hog and and have a bloody good punch up, with the last man or woman standing, to be given the job of Prime Minister.

Back stabbing and scoring points off one another with their caustic remarks is not my idea of a productive and positive campaign. As the following few weeks go on it is inevitable that tempers will escalate, wild accusations will become even more outrageous, and promises to solve all the current problems of what's wrong with the world are set to come crashing down and ground to dust once the votes have been counted.

So how is one supposed to make up ones mind on where to put the cross on the ballot paper? Does one vote for the person or the party, a question I often ask myself when it is time to pick the winner. Perhaps putting the names in a hat and going for the prize draw would achieve much the same result. I read, I watch, I listen, then I go back to the beginning and study form all over again. Like picking out a racehorse. Perhaps I'll go down the eeny meeny miney mo route, the politically correct version of course.

VOTE FOR ME...VOTE FOR ME...VOTE FOR ME

Here is my election campaign, with a bit of help from Nellie Knowitall

I would ban three course meals. No one anywhere should be stuffing their faces to the point of bursting or throwing up. Restaurants will be banned from dishing up starter, dinner, and pudding all in one sitting. It's about time we broke free of this out dated tradition, and go for one plate of wholesome and healthy food.

All rubbish bins to be checked by the bin men before they are accepted. All re usable stuff  should be re used, by law. It would be an offence to throw away anything that could be re purposed and used again. Huge collections sites will be set up where people could take and collect stuff.

Dog poo bags will be available from dispensers in all public places, next to dog poo bins where deposits can be made. Incentives to pick up dog poo would also be given. 20p to be paid from a machine every time a full bag lands in the collection point. Could be a little money making business, our parks and streets would be cleaned up and made safer for children.

Kids living less than half a mile from school should be escorted there on foot every morning by a responsible parent or guardian. Whatever the weather, no exceptions. As an incentive, every child who has walked will be given a 'bank' book, and issued with credits, then at the end of term the credits can be exchanged for book tokens to encourage them to read proper books

No more licences will be issued for selling alcohol. There are already enough outlets for people to buy their booze. When these naturally close no new ones will spring up in their place. People should be encouraged to find alternative ways to enjoy their leisure time instead of drinking themselves into oblivion. I will set up booze free social clubs where people can go to make real friends instead of the fake ones they latch onto  when living in a befuddled alcohol induced fog.

Breeding animals to make money will be outlawed under my leadership. Puppy farms will be closed and all cats, dogs, and rabbits will be removed and taken into care. Money will be set aside to facilitate new and loving homes for these pets, and they will all be neutered/spayed. People who breed animals purely to make money will be monitored and prosecuted if they are found to be in breach of the new law.

If I am elected as leader I would ban all pictures of tits and bums from the media. Won't be much left to read in the Daily Mail then. Not just the page three type stuff, but all the provocative selfies which are prolific on the social networking sites. There is nothing appealing about a massive pair of plastic bazookas, and a fat arse with a piece of dental floss disappearing between the cheeks. Please, let's have some modesty, all this bare flesh is affecting our children. If you want to do the naturist thing don't parade yourself in public, there are places where you can take your clothes off in a designated space.

So, are you with me on these crucial points? Can I count on your vote?  Elect me and I will make improvements in all the above areas. Get yourself down to the polling station next month and put your cross against the, 'Common Sense' party, that's me, Meanqueen, and my sidekick Nellie Knowitall. I hope I can count on you to do the right thing.  

Oh, and before I forget, it will be an offence to show a miserable face in public. Everyone will be required to be cheerful and greet your fellow human beings with a smile. For God's sake bloody smile, no grumping allowed. If you must be a miserable old git do it in your own home. By the way, a public place is defined as anywhere that the general public might congregate, including the internet.

VOTE FOR ME...VOTE FOR ME...VOTE FOR ME 

Have a nice Easter weekend.
Toodle pip