Saturday, 4 April 2015

My party political speech

Good morning. I see the political circus has kicked off, we are now to be bombarded with endless reports of what each party has to offer, promises that may or not materialize, and slanging matches that would be better suited to a kids playground. Why not go the whole hog and and have a bloody good punch up, with the last man or woman standing, to be given the job of Prime Minister.

Back stabbing and scoring points off one another with their caustic remarks is not my idea of a productive and positive campaign. As the following few weeks go on it is inevitable that tempers will escalate, wild accusations will become even more outrageous, and promises to solve all the current problems of what's wrong with the world are set to come crashing down and ground to dust once the votes have been counted.

So how is one supposed to make up ones mind on where to put the cross on the ballot paper? Does one vote for the person or the party, a question I often ask myself when it is time to pick the winner. Perhaps putting the names in a hat and going for the prize draw would achieve much the same result. I read, I watch, I listen, then I go back to the beginning and study form all over again. Like picking out a racehorse. Perhaps I'll go down the eeny meeny miney mo route, the politically correct version of course.

VOTE FOR ME...VOTE FOR ME...VOTE FOR ME

Here is my election campaign, with a bit of help from Nellie Knowitall

I would ban three course meals. No one anywhere should be stuffing their faces to the point of bursting or throwing up. Restaurants will be banned from dishing up starter, dinner, and pudding all in one sitting. It's about time we broke free of this out dated tradition, and go for one plate of wholesome and healthy food.

All rubbish bins to be checked by the bin men before they are accepted. All re usable stuff  should be re used, by law. It would be an offence to throw away anything that could be re purposed and used again. Huge collections sites will be set up where people could take and collect stuff.

Dog poo bags will be available from dispensers in all public places, next to dog poo bins where deposits can be made. Incentives to pick up dog poo would also be given. 20p to be paid from a machine every time a full bag lands in the collection point. Could be a little money making business, our parks and streets would be cleaned up and made safer for children.

Kids living less than half a mile from school should be escorted there on foot every morning by a responsible parent or guardian. Whatever the weather, no exceptions. As an incentive, every child who has walked will be given a 'bank' book, and issued with credits, then at the end of term the credits can be exchanged for book tokens to encourage them to read proper books

No more licences will be issued for selling alcohol. There are already enough outlets for people to buy their booze. When these naturally close no new ones will spring up in their place. People should be encouraged to find alternative ways to enjoy their leisure time instead of drinking themselves into oblivion. I will set up booze free social clubs where people can go to make real friends instead of the fake ones they latch onto  when living in a befuddled alcohol induced fog.

Breeding animals to make money will be outlawed under my leadership. Puppy farms will be closed and all cats, dogs, and rabbits will be removed and taken into care. Money will be set aside to facilitate new and loving homes for these pets, and they will all be neutered/spayed. People who breed animals purely to make money will be monitored and prosecuted if they are found to be in breach of the new law.

If I am elected as leader I would ban all pictures of tits and bums from the media. Won't be much left to read in the Daily Mail then. Not just the page three type stuff, but all the provocative selfies which are prolific on the social networking sites. There is nothing appealing about a massive pair of plastic bazookas, and a fat arse with a piece of dental floss disappearing between the cheeks. Please, let's have some modesty, all this bare flesh is affecting our children. If you want to do the naturist thing don't parade yourself in public, there are places where you can take your clothes off in a designated space.

So, are you with me on these crucial points? Can I count on your vote?  Elect me and I will make improvements in all the above areas. Get yourself down to the polling station next month and put your cross against the, 'Common Sense' party, that's me, Meanqueen, and my sidekick Nellie Knowitall. I hope I can count on you to do the right thing.  

Oh, and before I forget, it will be an offence to show a miserable face in public. Everyone will be required to be cheerful and greet your fellow human beings with a smile. For God's sake bloody smile, no grumping allowed. If you must be a miserable old git do it in your own home. By the way, a public place is defined as anywhere that the general public might congregate, including the internet.

VOTE FOR ME...VOTE FOR ME...VOTE FOR ME 

Have a nice Easter weekend.
Toodle pip

57 comments:

  1. Hee-hee, I'll vote for you Ilona!

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  2. Great post. I'll certainly vote for you!

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  3. Could we also ban the word "celebrity" and everything associated with it?

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    1. Yes yes yes. The word is used far too loosely, nobody is a celebrity, except for me of course ;o)

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  4. a X in the box I think :)

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  5. You can count on my vote
    crazy jane, x

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  6. You would certainly get my vote. Perhaps you could be called "The It's not rocket science party".

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    1. Good suggestion Ronnie. I'll use it as a strapline.

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  7. Trouble is, some of your policies are to my liking and some aren't which is the problem with politics.
    I can guess your views on austerity but whats your view on immigration? (Tesco at Goole wouldn't have anyone there without migrant labour on zero hours contracts) its no wonder you get such bargains with all that money they save.
    Dave.

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  8. I'll bet you could get more votes than some of those independant parties. Who the heck are they. Its a game. They know they don't stand a chance anyway. I'll still vote Labour. ( daughter of a union man.)

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  9. Once again you've opened a can of worms Ilona, but I see where you're coming from. lots of good rules there...
    Briony
    x

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  10. You can have my X with knobs on! Bravo! :D xx

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  11. quite like the idea of making them have a punch up......but we all know who would win . The little Scottish Lady , she sort of looked at all the rest of them with utter contempt and you know shed be good in a punch up

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    1. Ha ha, they should be made to go ten rounds in a boxing ring, last man, or woman standing wins. Lets see who has the most balls.

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  12. Voting should be mandatory and fines for non-voting and spoiled ballots.....I wonder how many of the endless complainers actually voted.....they should also run for office if they don t like the way things are going...
    People should get no incentive to pick up their dog crap; they should bring their own bags and be fined if they dont pick up..........what is this - a welfare state ?
    I think you are right about the smiling, though... I am afraid Dave is right, too, we dont like to think about the shoulders of those we stand on...

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  13. Lol. I would vote for you. I would like to add one of my own...At the age of 14 children should be given the option of leaving school to spend 4 days a week learning a trade + 1 day a week at school to practice the basics of maths, English and science. Fed up of children who do not want to be there, have no interest in education, being bored silly, spoiling it for those who have a passion for learning. And it may mean that we can get hold of a good plumber/electrician/plasterer when we need one ;0). Debbie x

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    1. I like that idea Debbie. I will write it into my manifesto. Those who don't want to learn a trade or gain qualifications, will have to work for their job seekers allowance.

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    2. That is just what they do here in Switzerland, at 15… only about 10% go on to do the equivalent of A'levels (you have to do 13 subjects, here…).

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  14. Only one question Ilona and then you'd have my vote if you crossed the pond and ran for office here in the states--what plan do you have for all the plastic, non-biodegrable, dog poo bags?

    Gail

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    1. Hello Gail. I would have them collected and taken to a sorting shed. The bags would be emptied and put into a giant washing machine, then a giant tumble drier, then sorted and packaged up for re distribution. The people doing this work would be those who have been fined for not picking up their own dogs mess.

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    2. no need. The co-op plastic bags are biodegradable. Get some made like that for dog poo bags.

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    3. Yes, they do breakdown into teeny tiny bits but the teeny tiny bits persist in the environment like the bigger bits of plastic not labelled 'biodegradable'. Biodegradable is a misleading word. Cloth bags please, Ilona.

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    4. We don't have landfill, everything is incinerated, which at least according to the statistics I have seen on the subject for our incineration plants, is efficient and non-toxic (Switzerland is very eco-conscious). I'm not sure if the dog baggies we have are biodegradable, but that is problematic, anyhow.

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  15. Thank your lucky stars the electioneering is so brief. Ours goes on full bore in both senses for years!!

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  16. You've got my vote !!

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  17. You have my vote, could you make it an offence to have a garden full of rubbish where there could be flowers or veg.

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  18. Yes Pam, I'll make a note of that.

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  19. You've got my vote - go girl.
    xx

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    1. My apologies re the link from my blog. It has been rectified.
      xx

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    2. Thank you. You're a star. I love you mum ;o)

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  20. How about making it illegal to use offensive language instead of a perfectly good word from the dictionary ?

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  21. I like Debbies idea for the kids that don't like school. The education system seems to be run by academics who don't get it that not everyone is academic.
    My daughter has a degree and works in a card shop on a part-time contract, her boyfriend has a degree and has a 30hour contract at Currys. Ironically, my son didn't like school, wagged it and didn't do that well with his exam results has nearly finished a motor vehicle apprenticeship, has earned while he learned and has the prospect of a well paid skilled persons job and no university fees to pay back.
    Dave.

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  22. Just be glad you don't live in the US--our next election is over a year and a half away, and candidates already are declaring. At least you only have to put up with it for 6 weeks or so. What we both need is a candidate running on a platform of civility. Are you a dual citizen? Ilona, Ilona, we want Ilona!

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  23. Good on you Nellie. You have my vote every time.

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  24. I've just found your blog - what a gem! Yes I would definitely vote for you. Enjoy Easter. Warm regards, Elizabeth

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  25. Yes, you would have my vote if I lived in your part of the world. I like your idea for pet breading. Can something similar be done for humans? There are far too many on this planet and their breeding is out of control.

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  26. Great post and interesting platform you have.

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  27. I'll vote for you, Ilona! Forget the fact that I live in the U.S.

    As mike max said, count yourself lucky that your campaign only runs five or six weeks. Our presidential campaign will go on for the next year and a half and I live in a "battleground" state where the advertising will be constant.

    I love your idea of the poo bags.

    Here in the U.S. I'd like to mandate that in addition to requiring smiling faces, we ban insults and mean words.

    Actually, Ilona, I'm very interested in your UK election and signed up for a three-week free online class on Coursera to follow along with it. Seriously.

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  28. If I lived there...I've vote for YOU! :) Happy Easter Blessings!

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  29. You have my vote! Although I don't think it will count as I live in the US.

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  30. Absolutely would vote for you!Those running in our next federal election don't inspire much confidence.Already ads are out and so the spin begins....Thank you for a hilarious and amusing read,Happy Easter,bye for now,D.

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  31. I agree, though I've been a bit of a sad sack recently...you would definitely be more positive and upbeat.

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  32. Absolutely brilliant Ilona, I'd vote for you, definitely! This is so brilliant you should send a copy to all the political leaders!

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  33. There is no contest. You would win and be the PM for all of us!

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  34. Of course I would vote for you!
    I believe that people who have struggled all their lives to make ends meet, living on a basic salary or pension should have the chance to go into politics - not people with big inherited fortunes who have never really worked in their life.
    Also agree with Debbie about 14 years old students - they should be given a chance to do something useful with their lives.

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  35. You've got my vote! Since I live in the USA you might also become President of the US. Couldn't hurt.

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  36. Britain was found to be one of the worst places for children growing up due to "the aggressive self-interest of the parents"
    Don t blame the kids for how they turn out........take a look at the parents....

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  37. Ooooh I would come campaining for you (I am not allowed to vote where you are and the is not a global election wor world leaders yet).

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  38. May I make one sugestion about children walking to school, if living within half a mile. Please make an exception for those with a disabillity, either permanent or temporary. Might be difficult to get a child to school with medical equipment. Or a child who broke a leg. Even on a short distance.

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  39. If you allow cloning under your leadership, can we start with YOU! We need a leader like Ilona in America. :)
    Nancy from Northern California

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  40. Where I live (Switzerland) there are square green bins called "Robidogs" which have an integrated baggie dispenser so that you can dispose of dog poo properly… they are pretty much everywhere, as the local councils set them up wherever people seem to walk dogs, all over town and country. The majority of dog owners use them responsibly.
    Although foreign habits are wandering into this country too (:o) one of the criteria for kindergarten children (aged 4-7) is that after an initial "training period" of 6 weeks or so, they are expected to walk to kindergarten on their own (with their friends, obviously, but no adults), wearing a fluorescent sash. My grandson walks about a mile each way (the kindergarten and primary school are on another hill from their home), four times a day because every child goes home for lunch. Our own daughters had to walk through the village, about 1/2 mile until age 12 and then bike 3 miles each way to secondary school, also four times a day - they all tended to walk/bike together, anyway, so safety wasn't really an issue and it was rain, shine, snow, ice, and included police occasionally checking on the teens about having bike lights on etc. Most kids spent a free afternoon writing essays at the local town hall as a punishment at some point... There were strict rules about parents transporting kids by car - only allowed in exceptional cases.

    Only sadly this is changing and I keep hearing about kids being picked up, "because it's raining"!! :O

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  41. Great post and yes I'll vote for you. Could you do something about litter droppers as well.Kristel.

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