Saturday, 5 February 2011

How much do you love me?

I do like taking the mick, and can't resist this one. I have recieved a letter, well an advertising flyer actually, addressed to D. Richardson, that was me in a previous life. I used to run an introduction agency which I closed eight years ago, and I still keep getting their blurb. Spose I ought to tell them that I don't exist any more, but what the heck, it keeps the postman in a job.

This club must be desperately looking for customers because the flyer is about a Valentines Dinner, in a weeks time, cutting it a bit fine aren't they? Cost is £65 per couple, including live entertainment, a female artiste who must have appeared at every venue three times over in the local area. You could say, she's been round the block a bit, ha ha. Oh nearly forgot, there is also a rose for the ladies. That's a bit old fashioned isn't it, what about gay couples who want to book, do lesbians get two roses, and gay men have to fight over who is to play the lady for that night ;o)

Anyway, turn the page over and you get the menu, these posh descriptions do make me chuckle, so here is my version.

Creamy asparagus soup with salt and pepper croutons.
Asparagus soup with chunks of bread.
or
Fanned melon drizzled with honey accompanied by tropical fruit
and a lemon sorbet.
Melon with honey and a few bits of other fruit, and lemon ice mush.
or
Whitby prawn cocktail with baby leaf salad and marie Rose sauce.
Prawn cocktail.
............................
Braised British beef in real ale with a caramelised onion, wild mushrooms, and red wine sauce topped with parsnip crisps.
Beef in beer, with an onion, toadstools, and cheap plonk sauce.
Crispy parsnips chucked on the top.
or
Fillet of chicken wrapped in bacon with a creamy bacon, onion,
and taragon sauce.
Bits of chicken and bits of bacon, doused in sauce made from a packet.
or
Fillet of Scottish salmon with a prawn, dill, and lemon cream reduction. Accompanied by potato gratin and roasted new potatoes.
Salmon and a couple of prawns splashed with gunge. Mashed and roast spuds.
...........................
Choux profiteroles filled with chantilly cream, smothered in chocolate sauce.
Cakes stuffed with cream, and chocolate on the top.
or
Tart au citron with a vanilla pod ice cream
Fruit flan and ice cream.
or
Cheese and biscuit platter.
Cream crackers and rubber cheese slices.
and
Freshly filtered coffee, or tea, with chocolates.
Coffee and tea out of the machine, with an After Eight to share.
Cost per couple eating from my menu......£10. Book now for 2012 ;o))
My simple mind becomes ever more simple.........it's the little things.......

11 comments:

  1. ROFL!

    And funnier..it must be a high cholesterol meal as the word to type in on the comment form was 'statin'!

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  2. This really made me laugh, I think the same when the children bring home their school dinners menu. They have "Piquant pork" "tropical fruit crumble with creme fraiche" and my favourite "Hunters chicken with a vegetable medley".

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  3. Great, I love the irony. That can be applied to so much in the world today, most artificial and pandering to the gullibility of people!

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  4. Ilona I have just tried to read that out to hubs wihtout spraying the tea I was drinking all over the table :-)) I also have a habit of breaking down pretentious twaddle that makes up most restaurant menus......

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  5. reminds me of some further phrases from the gastro elite brigade:

    Pan-fried whatever.... (is there any other way to fry something other than in a frying pan?)

    Oven-roasted whatever....likewise, in an oven?

    and seen today on a menu board outside a pub

    Hand-filled sandwiches, rolls, baguettes....What? didn't they have a robot to do it? Drives you nutty doesn't it?

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  6. All menus should contain the word "drizzled". This one doesn't. Orta have a word, really....

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  7. My favourite, currently appearing on 'posh' menus is'hand crushed potatoes' For goodness sake!

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  8. Ha Ha! Ilona, why don't you apply to take part in Channel 4's Come Dine With Me programme in which you get to cook a winning menu for four LOVELY hungry guests (the programme organisers will give you 250 quids to buy the ingredients, including plonk!). I'm sure you will be able to cook a tasty meal for just under 10 quids including cost of purchasing said plonk and the best bit is you will win 1000 quids so you'll be 1,240 quids better off, then you can travel the world! A great idea, eh? Ha Ha! Go for it!

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  9. hey, your alternative descriptions sound just as tasty...must be getting near lunch time!

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  10. Oh, I've just come back to this. When cooks on TV are describing how to cook something they always say "pan fried" . Now how else can they fry something other than in a pan?

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