Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Happy New Year. Guest post from Nellie

Well hello there, it's your old friend Nellie Knowitall from Stating the Bleedin Obvious. Queen of Mean has asked me to write the last post of 2013, because she can't be bothered to do it, idle so and so. Don't tell her I said that, she'll have my guts for garters, ha ha.

As you know, I travel a lot, my first love is Vegas, but I will go anywhere where there is sun, sea, and sangria. It's not the hunky men that draw me to these places, no, honestly, oh alright then, I do enjoy ogling a handsome Adonis strutting his stuff on the beach. In fact I can see one right now from my hotel balcony overlooking the shimmering sea in Monte, that's Monte Carlo in case you were wondering. I expect lots of you will be shivering your nuts off in sub zero temperatures in good old Blighty. Never mind, it will soon be spring.

So what's the topic today you might ask. Well true to form, it's all about sensible living, making the most of what you have, and making a happy life for yourself. I don't have to bother with all that scrimping stuff, now that my poor old Horace has popped his clogs. He has left me a sizeable nest egg which will see me through for the rest of my time on this planet. But old habits die hard, and I still find myself looking for yellow stickers every time I step inside a supermarket. Not that I need to go shopping that often, these days I dine out a lot, or have things delivered. But you dear friends might not be in the same enviable position as myself, and need to keep watching every penny you spend.

Surviving in today's economical climate isn't all that difficult you know. You wouldn't believe it, but  when I was in my twenties I didn't have a brass farthing to my name. I had six snotty nosed kids hanging onto my skirt, all squealing for food. I had a lazy good for nothing useless waste of space who spent all his dole money down the pub. And I had to go foraging in bins at the back of shops to get the kids something for dinner. It was a chuffin nightmare.

So what did I do to get out of this impossible situation? Well I went on the internet of course. I needed to swap the geezer I had for a better model. There are some cracking sites out there you know. Thousands of pictures of bored single guys, just looking for a ready made family. I struck lucky, found myself a real gent, pots of money, and filthy rich. Too good to be true you might say. Well there was one downside which I was prepared to overlook, he was three weeks short of his 90th birthday, but heyho you can't have everything. I reckoned he was a better bet than the 45 year old I was already hooked up with who was getting on my nerves.

My new man, Horace, was a quiet man, he was no trouble at all, as long as he had his meals cooked for him, clean clothes to wear, and I allowed him the odd kiss on the cheek, he was happy. Non of the old how's your father hankypanky, oh no, I'm past that now. The money kept appearing in my bank account, anything I wanted I could have, no questions asked. I put all the kids through University, they've all got good jobs now, so I'm proud of what I've achieved. I saw the problem, and with my common sense ethos, I worked out a plan to change things round. Got rid of the useless lump who was dragging me down, and hooked up with a better model. Now poor old Horace is no more and I copped for the lot. I drink to his health, as I top up my suntan. Cheers my dear.

Right, what common sense tips can I pass on to you on this last day or 2013. First off has got to be, if things are not working out for you, whether it be in your job, your family, or where you live, for goodness sake, you don't have to put up with it, change it. But beware, if you make the wrong decision or the wrong move learn from it, and change again. Keep changing until you get it right. Life isn't a chuffin rehearsal you know, you are a long time dead.

Here's a few things you might like to change. You don't have enough money to live on. Easy. Earn more, or spend less. Or do as I did, and find a partner to give you some. You need to work out the deal though, what he/she expects in return for handing over their dosh. Don't sell yourself short.

You are fed up of staying in? Well go out more. Not happy with your looks? Change the colour of your hair. Bored with your wardrobe? Get some new second hand clothes. You are too heavy? Eat less, exercise more. You are too skinny? Eat some stodge. You stink of fags? Chuck them in the bin and don't buy any more, or find a partner who also stinks. You are lonely living by yourself? Get a cat or a dog, they don't complain and will love you forever. You have no one to go on holiday with? Go by yourself, you will meet lots of people. That's just a few examples. Whatever the problem is, it can be sorted with a few common sense ideas.

Well my dears, a new year is almost upon us. I shall be knocking back the champers with a few of my millionaire pals, as the clock strikes midnight. I hope you are having a lot of fun, whatever you are doing. All the best for 2014, I hope you have enjoyed my little contributions to Meanqueen's wonderful blog, I shall be popping in from time to time next year. I'll leave you with this little gem, if you pour vast quantities of alcohol down your throat tonight, you will probably throw up, and feel chuffin awful in the morning. The choice is yours. HAPPY NEW YEAR. LOVE FROM NELLIE XXX 

36 comments:

  1. Brilliant as usual ! Happy new year to my most inspiring blogger !

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  2. happy new year to you and nellie hope its a great year for everyone
    tess

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  3. From Margie in Toronto:

    You always make me smile Ilona (and Nellie) - Happy New Year everyone!

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  4. Cheers Ilona (and Nellie) for all your hard work and blogs in 2013. Looking forward to more in 2014. Happy New Year to you and everyone who reads here.

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  5. Happy new year! Can't wait to read your posts (and Nellie's!) in 2014! Louise x

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  6. and if you can't afford smoked salmon get some kipper fillets........cats are happy to share either...........a good new year to you Ilona & sweet Nell & to all your bloggists`......& fishy felicitations to your beautiful cats

    Metta

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  7. Happy New Year's, Ilona!
    From Nancy in Northern California

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  8. Happy New Year Ilona, Hope 2014 is wonderful for you with lots of good walks.
    Not so sure about Nellie! :-)

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  9. Well-said witty ole Nellie(HNY to you & Iiona:-)!

    X

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  10. Wising you a very Happy New Year.

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  11. HNY to you Nellie. Also to Ilona if you see her.
    BTW where did you find a man in his 90's.
    as a friend to Ilona you could perhaps fix her up with one.

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  12. Wishing you a very Happy 2014 Ilona x

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  13. Happy New Year to both Nellie and Ilona. Looking forward to reading more from both of you in 2014. Hugs, Helen x

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  14. Happy New Year Ilona and many thanks for a year of sharing your frugal and simple life - you are an inspiration x

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  15. Happy New Year - here's to a fab and frugal 2014 :-)

    Toni

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  16. Happy New Year, Ilona and thanks for all you do! from Ger in Ireland

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  17. Hoping for many more yellow sticker bargains for you in 2014! Happy New Year, Ilona and Nellie.

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  18. Once again a fun and brilliant post!
    Still laughing.

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  19. Happy New Year from my cat Extra and me. We are staying home tonight and will keep each other company. I probably won't stay awake much longer than Extra.
    Maggie in US

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  20. Happy New Year Ilona, I look forward to reading your wise and wonderful words this year.

    Aussie Cheryl

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  21. My name is Horace...I’m 92
    I’m looking for a gal like you
    A frugal gal with lots of charm
    A lassie with a muscled arm
    To hold me up until I croak
    You think I’m kidding...it’s no joke
    I have no money; don’t eat much
    Just prefer a human crutch
    A little warmth to ease the pain
    A little laughter keeps me sane
    And if you like I’ll bring my tellie
    Invite your friends, especially Nellie
    And we’ll welcome in a bright new year
    With yellow stickers and ginger beer!

    Horace the 2nd

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    1. Now there's an offer you can't refuse!!

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  22. Happy New Year!!! You inspire me daily!!! from K. in Oklahoma

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  23. Always a treat to visit your blog and go away with a smile on my face.

    Great advice Nellie, I need to heed some of what you have suggested...

    Have a great New Year, may you be blessed with good health, much happiness and lots of fun times :)

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  24. Happy New year Nellie and Happy New year Ilona.

    The internet has been going longer than i thought it had.
    I went on Tesco dating website and ended up with a bag for life.
    Dave.

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  25. Happy New Year to you both.
    Carolx

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  26. I would like to wish you (and Nellie) a Very Happy New Year Ilona. What you say is inspirational and I would like to thank you for that. What a lovely, compassionate, talented lady you are.

    Brian

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  27. Hello, there Ilona and best friend Nellie!
    I've been reading you for quite some time now and I thoroughly like your dynamic approach to life.
    Wishing you a Brand New Year!
    Take care and have fun!
    HelenD

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  28. Happy New Year to both of you ladies. you talk a lot of sense !!
    twiggy x

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  29. Happy New Year Ilona and Nellie! I love your blog and read it every day without fail. Thank you, it's the best blog ever. Love and best wishes, Maureen x

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  30. Oh my goodness! You English lassies have some sense of humor! Way more interesting than most of my lackluster American acquaintances, anyway. Thanks for giving me some laughs today.

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