Tuesday, 24 May 2016

I do, no maybe I don't.

Hello. I made a few notes while I was relaxing with a mug of coffee this morning. Another 'Ten good reasons'. I'm off to the Scrapstore this morning with three crafty pals, and this afternoon I am helping my friend deliver her parish newsletters, so that's my walking sorted for today.

Ten good reasons why I have never married.

1. I have never found anyone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I thought I did when I was younger, but as time went on I realized that this wasn't the person.

2. I was always too busy to invest time and effort into a relationship. Work always came first and relationships had to fit in with that. They often fizzled out because either them or me lost interest. Life moves on.

3. I never wanted children. I couldn't see myself doing the wife and mother thing. When I was younger people always asked me when I was going to settle down. What! The thought horrified me. When I was sterilized at 37 the doctor asked me about bringing the next generation into the world. I said, 'there are already enough people doing that.'

4. I saw relationships all around me crumble, family and friends. I decided that the only way to prevent this happening to me was to not get too deeply involved with someone. On the occasions when I did get involved it all ended in tears. I have a self preservation mechanism, when something is not working, I get out.

5. The men I were attracted to, weren't attracted to me, and vice versa. I can't force myself to love someone, and neither would I expect someone to love me if they didn't. I spent a lot of time trying out lots of different models, wondering if this was 'the one'. If love is one sided it doesn't work.

6. I see marriage as a contract which legally ties two people together. If I want to stay with someone I will, I don't need a piece of paper.

7. I believe that when a marriage starts going downhill, there is only one way for it to go, it will end sooner or later. I prefer to move forward rather than dwell on the past. Everyone makes mistakes, when something is not working, best to cull it. My parents marriage should have ended a lot sooner than it did. Life is too short to put up with anything which isn't working.

8. In my opinion, both partners in a marriage are equal and should share the tasks of running a home and family. Both should have equal opportunities to have a life outside of the marriage, able to work, socialize with friends and family, travel alone. Both should share child minding. These things should be discussed before the marriage contract is signed.

9. I can't be what someone else expects me to be, nor do I expect someone to alter their life for me. We are who we are. Yes, I know some compromises have to be made for a marriage to work, all well and good if both parties agree to the compromises. But when two immovable objects push against each other, neither willing to back down, that's when ugliness sets in. Forgive and forget? No. I can't forget if someone is horrible to me.

10. Where does love come in all of this? Does my heart rule my head or the other way round? I have loved, and been loved, I had a proposal which I turned down, it wasn't the right time or the right person. My heart has been in love, but my head has said, no way.

There is a lot more I could add, my list was longer, but I need to get on. There will be lots of differences of opinion on this topic. I am at one end of the scale having never married, those who have had a lifetime partner are at the other end, there is a big grey area in between. Everyone's view on what a marriage should be will vary, depending on their upbringing, home life or lack of it, the era they grew up in, and their culture. There is no 'one size fits all'. This is my blog, I write as I see it. Comments are welcome as usual and are moderated.

Thanks for popping in. We'll catch up soon.
Toodle pip

41 comments:

  1. I have never commented before. But I love your approach to life and all it throws at you. Your complete honesty is something to be much admired . I love your blog and your way of life.
    Enjoy your scrap store day out Joan [ Sue's Mum ]XX

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    1. Thank you for your comment, Joan, it's good to hear from you.

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    2. I feel just the same as my Mum about you and your blog Ilona. This is a great post :-)

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  2. Well written, Iona!

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  3. I love being single, as an older woman. The freedom to do exactly as I like, whenever I like,it's been one year of bliss, after the end of a bad relationship, I feel contented and at peace.
    At my age I do not need to pursue happiness through a man or to feel complete
    I find joy in everyday living experience and every moment is precious, no I'm not wasting any of my time left on earth looking for a husband. no way.

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    1. I couldn't have said it better anonymous. 26 bloody years of married misery and the last 7 years of single bliss. And here's to many more for all of us. Anna

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  4. Hi Ilona. You echo my thoughts, I am a little older than you,but prefer to live alone. I did the marraige bit and after 20+ yrs of a brutal alcoholic bullying me I got out.It took years to pluck up the courage but eventually I got there. I now enjoy each day, I can relax and smile again .A bad relationship is not the place to be. I would sooner be alone.I wouldn't risk it again. Ps love your blog Jane x

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  5. An interesting post Ilona. (Had to comment because I love telling the story of my marriage.) I didn't meet my hubs until 3 months before my 36th birthday. I was a confirmed batchelorette and very happy with it. I had been in relationships but could never deal with other peoples' baggage so figured at that age I would never find anybody without any. At a friends wedding in the June I met Jon and within 2 weeks of meeting I knew I would marry him. I remember thinking at one time that it was like meeting Jon walking down a road and we were meant to finish the journey together. We moved in together in the October, he proposed the next June and we have been married 11 years next month. We have a real partnership, we have run a business together so have no problem being together 24 7 and there is nobody I would rather spend my time or my days with. I truly think being older helped us form our marriage. When the time came for our boys we were just ready and able. I never had my mum with me just before or after they were born and never felt incapable. Jon changed every nappy for the first two weeks of my first boy's life and we continue to be a partnership as we build our new life for us and our boys here in Wales. I would have to say that I have been so very very lucky to find a man like Jon who is loyal, loving, capable beyond words, a tremendous father and teacher to our boys and somebody who I would never doubt would look after us in any way her could. (If you do not wish to include this post on your blog I understand and would not be offended. I just wanted to say that I appreciate when people expect you to be settling down at a certain age but, as I said, I never thought I would find somebody worth bothering with.) I don't doubt you are very happy with your life and good on you for making your choices and decisions for the benefit of yourself.

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    1. I feel honoured that you chose to share your story, Louise. Jon sounds like a wonderful husband, it was meant to be.

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  6. Your reasons for not marrying,though personal to you are both logically and emotionally founded and I understand them all , thank you for sharing them and I am sure a lot of people feel the same. I am on marriage no 2 and even though I don't ever regret no 1 because I have three wonderful children as a result of it, I know it shouldn't have been , we just floated into it. After a year on my own with the children which I feel I handled well and enjoyed the challenge of being a one parent family , I met husband no 2 and married quickly again for so many reasons , shouldn't have but he is a good man but we have had so many problems and have hung in there. Two of my boys, now 32 have problems and I am very involved in their care still and I know this sounds selfish but at 60 I thought I would be doing things for me the boys being grown up but it hasn't worked out that way. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly and will always be there for them so people must realise when thinking of starting a family that you are not just having a baby you are having a life that is for life if they need it. It's not just dogs that are not just for Christmas. Thankfully one of my boys is now in supported housing and is doing really well even though it is sometimes difficult for him and his twin will always need help in some shape or form and we will rise to the occasion. Your pets are your family and you care for them so well and you have the life that suits you and makes you happy, which is what it's all about, there are no written rules , and we do not have to conform. Regards and respect, Chrissie.

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    1. You sound like a strong person to be able to hold things together, I admire you for that. Make sure you get some respite from your caring role, everyone needs some 'me', time.

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  7. good post as always, if my late Mum had her way, my hubby (we married for the first time at age 32) would have be husband no 3 - my first relationship was violent, we were together for five years, he used to hit me and cheated on me, I left, second relationship, I was with my son's father for three years, neither of us thought that having a child was a reason to get married, so we didn't , he was 21 when son was born, we just grew apart, third relationship, hubby, we celebrate 20 years next month :-) Jo x

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    1. Yay, glad you found success in the end, Jo.

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  8. I share a lot of your thoughts on marriage although not all. I have been married but parted company in my mid twenties, not my choice which was very hard at the time. We part company on views on motherhood - my best joy ever in life, a true gift and a continuing one, with my adult daughter. I am grateful to my ex husband for that. She would not be here otherwise.

    I have been on my own for a long time though, with interludes of heartache, and have not come close to re-marriage and now shrug at the thought of it. It is no longer for me. I don't envy most people's partners (many seem quite awful and their wives' lose all autonomy, which makes me shudder) and am very positively relieved and happy that I don't have one.

    All the happiest people I know are older than me and never married or had children. They are great role models for me and never lonely, they are able to create their own lives. Many husbands seem to want to keep their wives in their pocket and treat them like unpaid servants. I'm afraid I find men pretty unappealing for the most part. As a younger woman I think I saw what I wanted to see, where now my vision is a bit clearer. I don't like what I see, so I leave well alone.

    I do believe in marriage however, when it works I think it is beautiful, it just doesn't that often. I do believe it is different from living together - just because it is another level of commitment that can be shown (it is 'just a piece of paper' but there is meaning behind it too). I understand why people have different views on that though. I really don't want to meet anyone now and would be very cross if I did. I don't have the time, or the willingness to compromise my life. I am also not very compliant or easy to live with, so better off by far living a peaceful existence alone but never lonely.)

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    1. Hi. I can relate to a lot of what you say. I had a broken heart more than once. Now I just have male friends, and have no inclination to become romantically involved with anyone.

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  9. All relationships, spousal, children, etc., need to balanced and they are a lot of work. I think the marriage has to be all of that and faith based as well.

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  10. I'm not married nor in a relationship. I have wonderful friends and I am happy too. hugs, kitxxxxxxxxxxxx

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    1. I am pleased for you Kit. You carry on as you are, and so will I.

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  11. Nice blog.
    I'm in a relationship of about 20 years. I knew I wanted a partner but no child, I was about 23 years old. I made that very clear at the beginning. If he wanted them than he should look for sombody else. He didn't, thank goodness. We both have a lot of freedom and we are loving that!

    misty

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    1. Sounds like you are both on the same wavelength, Misty. That has to be a bonus.

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  12. As I once read, "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." Sorry I don't remember who wrote that gem of a sentence. :)

    That said, DH and I have just had our 44th anniversary and both sons are in their 30s. We're still amazed at that.

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  13. I respect your independence but i know it wouldnt be the life for me , im afraid I love waking up next to someone not just the cat , I love the big family and its endless trials and tribulations . Im viewing them all growing up with a certain amount of horror having been mum to so many for so long , im rather stumped by those who say "what will you do next" ive done everything in life i wanted to do , ive never had a bucket list , I may live another 30 years women in our family tend to . So a bit baffled about where i go from here ...lol time will tell

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    1. Something will come along, Kate. There's a whole big world out there just waiting for you to explore it.

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  14. I guess I'm a bit like you Ilona although I did marry at age 22 my childhood sweetheart, left him at 23 (it turned out he wanted me and also every other women he fancied regardless of being married)then as soon as possible I divorced him at 26. I can remember my future in-laws talking about where we would be living after we married and to make sure our new home was not to far from the schools etc and I'm thinking to myself but I don't want any children. This was 1975 and we didn't talk about having children and I now know I married the wrong person but it did break my heart. He went on to marry a further three times and have two children-to my knowledge.In the summer of 1976 I met a wonderful man also going through a divorce. Forty years on we are still together, no children and have never bothered to marry. We are happy. He has helped me through some tough times of ill health and after forty years his sister has even stopped hinting about us marrying (she's been widowed three times and on hubby number 4) It's whatever makes YOU happy not what other people think you should be or do. Rae x

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    1. That's an achievement, Rae. You are doing it your way, and it works. No need to change anything.

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  15. I married at 18 and was so in love. He was very controlling but not violent. I wasn't allowed visitors friends or family around to visit. I had to give him all my wages minus enough for the shopping each week. Was not allowed to talk to anyone about anything not even the electric bill! I stuck it for 3 years as I desperately did not want my marriage to end in divorce like my parents marriage had. The final straw was when I deliberately got pregnant as I wanted a child and he said ' get rid of it or get out' Couldn't forgive that but I did both
    Then I met my second husband and I was very much in love with him. He is kind and hard working and we both love kids - we have 3. But there was always something missing from the relationship and he just didn't care about me ie when I was really ill he just went to work (like haemorraging and doctors saying I couldnt be alone because of the risk) He very rarely rang me when he worked away etc Then I found out he was really in love with his late brother's wife. But she didn't want him. He admitted it once at a family dinner out. So now I know what was missing from the relationship. He is good to me I can go anywhere I like, go on holiday with a friend, buy whatever I want if we can afford it I can have it, he shares childcare cleaning cooking etc He is good with sharing and treats me very well. I don't love him anymore the love just died when he went out and I was really ill again. When he came home that time I realised I didnt love him anymore just like that. It was once too often. But I wont leave because I am older now and cant cope very well alone - have had stress related illness so I am not very strong mentally. He is a wonderful father to the kids, kind to animals and treats me very well but is not in love with me nor am I with him anymore. We are just like friends sharing a life. Perhaps your way is better or maybe it is right for you which is all that matters x

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story, Anon. It must have taken a lot of courage to write that. Some men keep their emotions bottled up and are not able to express their true feelings. I think a lot of couples end up as friends sharing, for many it works. I wish you well.

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  16. I always knew I wanted marriage and kids and got both. The kids I will never regret - the marriage forever and a day. I still feel physically sick whenever I hear his name. I married quite quickly because after a 5 year very staid relationship, P seemed like fun. It wasn't long after the marriage that I realized he was just nuts. Then the yelling and screaming started with him trying to control me (well that wasn't going to happen but it wasn't going to stop him trying). Follow that with his drinking, spending all our money and the continual violence - I was so glad when he eventually buggered off and gave me an out. 7 years later he can't live without a woman and I have no desire to live with anyone. I see someone, but he has his place and I have mine. I am very close friends to a lovely Yorkshireman who feels just like I do, and can take heart from him that no I'm not weird - I'm content in my own space. As someone else said, I'm not against marriage and am so happy for those that are truly happy - trouble is I just don't see too many of those kinds. Most are telling me they wish they were in my shoes. Sad isn't it. But good post Ilona. Anna

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  17. Never married, guess independant, own home, just about paid for.men I,ve met wan,t to control me, clothes, where I go and what I do, not negotiable at all.
    I am not anti men, if the right one comes along lovely.

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  18. I think your attitude is fantastic Ilona. Too many people get married, have children etc. because it's what's expected of them and not because it's what they truly want for themselves.
    I had to laugh though, as I read your post the day I handed in my marriage notice forms at the register office! :-) X

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  19. Very good post IIona, marriage is not meant for everyone. I was lucky and met my husband in 1954 when I was 16 and we gotmarried on my 20th birthday and had 2 children within 4 years. My husband was good and kind and I was very lucky for 28 years we shared a lot of interests but also did our own thing which I was very grateful especially when he died at 52 (we had been married 28years) I have now been on my own for a long, long time but would not want to get married again. I always say I could not be that lucky second time around, I have had 3 lives, single, married and now single again, I have lots of friends and interests and 2 wonderful children and 2 wonderful grandchildren who include me in their lives. Love reading the comments and sorry for writers who had a bad time and hope the future is good for them.
    Enjoy the day,
    Hazel c uk

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  20. I have been in the same relationship for 26 years and married for nearly 23 with one child. Am very happy but am in no way shackled or controlled. I would run a mile from anyone like that- I won't be owned! We have the one child from choice- people in some quarters made such a fuss when I told them that there wouldn't be any more [not close family or friends I hasten to add] but I just ignored them. It was a personal decision made by the two of us and nothing to do with anyone else. It's always interesting to read everyone's different viewpoints and experiences. Arilx

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  21. This is my first time posting. I read your blog regularly and enjoy it. I am 63 and over Memorial day(USA) it will be my 20th anniversary of being happily single. I was married for 19 years and hated every moment of it. He was an angry unpredictable alcoholic. Divorce was not something anyone in my family did and there was a lot of pressure to stay married. Finally one day I thought I really don't care what anyone thinks, if they like me or not I am done. Guess I finally grew up, haha.

    I knew I didn't want kids from the time I was in 5th grade. That was the one thing I and my ex agreed on. People kept telling me I would change, but it didn't happen. I don't "hate" kids I just(for me) don't see the point. They seem to bring a lot of stress into people's lives and are a lot of work if you do it right and then they grow up and are gone right when you could start having a relationship with them. I have a preschool niece, who I enjoy in short bursts, but I still don't feel like I missed anything.

    Recently I realized that I am asexual. I started reading on a board called AVEN and have learned a lot that I can relate to. It has helped me come to terms with who I have always been.

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    1. Hi Anon, Thank you for your comment. It got stuck in the spam box for a while, it happens sometimes. I saw a programme about asexuality the other day, interesting.

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  22. Your reasons are logical and sensible. I think there are many people who marry and divorce over and over when they should not be married in the first place. Not to mention the horror stories we read about child abuse from people who should never have had children. I had a few bad relationships and one wonderful marriage late in life. I spent many years on my own and am capable of functioning solo. I always say if anything ever happens to my hubby I will not remarry as he is the best of the best and now that I am older I am not at all interested in a "relationship". I am set in my ways and would not want to adjust my life for someone else.

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    1. Hi. yes, I am set in my ways as well. I would find it difficult to live with someone. I could maybe find time to date now and again, but it would go no further.

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  23. Hi I think saying marriage doesn't work that often is a bit , can't think of the word, silly maybe is the word ? But I don't want to sound rude! I am lucky enough to to be surrounded by happily married friends and family and in my job I see dedicated elderly people who have been devoted for years . Horses for courses . Love your blog you're so honest and refreshing .

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  24. My ex and I were together pretty happily for seven years before our first child was born. Our relationship went downhill from his birth and continued to deteriorate after the birth of our second child. I look baxk now and cannot believe that I stuck it out until our second child was 18. The product if a broken home I did not want that for my own children (I was wrong to think like this). By the time I had plucked up the courage to get out my confidence was non existent and I barely knew who I was. Years of being undermined and bullied by a womanising alcoholic had left me a wreck suffering from depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. Ten years on I am very happily married to my soulmate. It's been a hard road to recovery and a new life but I got there. Good on you Ilona for refusing to be manipulated. I will never again allow anyone to do that to me and am now in a marriage of equals. Your choice made you happy Ilona and that's all that matters.

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  25. 27 years together this year and not married, had a few comments from parents but nothing much else, neither of us is particularly religious, and I'm not one to get dressed up or walk down an aisle etc. We are quiet people, get on well, have two children, have stayed in same house, the kids are doing well, one in uni and one thinking of it, we don't argue and I think he would do anything for me, including sitting with me for four hours in A and E at 4am in the morning recently, lovely chap. I would seriously miss him if he wasn't around. Julie

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  26. I love my hubby we have been together for 23 years. Good times and bad.

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  27. Love my hubby ...23 years together and still madly in love

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