Tuesday, 20 August 2013

The agony of it - guest post

Aye up chucks, it's your old battle-axe Nellie Knowitall here, you know, the gobby one who really does know it all. I'm back from my jaunt in Vegas, and I have to report that Elvis is well and truly deceased. All those blokes you see prancing about wearing his clothes are not Elvis at all. Ok, I'll admit I was taken in for a while, I did really believe that the King was alive and kicking, but when you see Elvis in every bar you go to, you begin to get a little bit suspicious. Sorry to burst your bubble, but the real Elvis is dead. All you see nowadays are fakes, and most of them don't look anything like the real thing, let alone sing like him. Sad, I know, but we have to move on.

Right, so what's the topic today? A thought crossed my mind. You know that old saying, 'I wish I knew then what I know now'. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we were all born with the wisdom which comes with living a long time. It would save a lot of hassle. We wouldn't be making so many mistakes, and sometimes making a complete hash of our lives. Wouldn't it be great if knowledge was already built into our brain, so that we didn't have to learn anything because we already knew it. It would save a lot of heartache because we could avoid getting into situations which were going to cause us grief.

I must admit that although I know it all now, it wasn't always the case, and I have made my fair share of cockups. I feel for the young ones of today, if they are going through what I went through. Maybe I could do something to help, through this column, and with the benefit of my wisdom, I could advise those of you who are stuck in an intolerable situation. My advice is, get the hell out of there. You don't have to put up with it, just skidaddle. If you are in a place where you don't want to be, for whatever reason, the simple answer is pack up and go somewhere else.

If you hate your job, get another one. If you are fed up with your partner, swap them for a better model. If you can't afford to buy things, earn more money. If you've got no friends, go out and find some. If you've got too many friends, dump some. If you feel rotten when you get drunk, drink water. If you are overweight, eat less. If you are underweight, eat more. If you cough a lot when you smoke, chuck the packet away and never buy any more. If you are unfit, run up and down stairs a few times. If you can't afford a car, get a bike. If you don't like housework, don't do it.

Oh, I could go on, but I think you might get the gist. Whatever is not working for you, change it. So, if I can help you in any way, all you have to do is to post your problem here, and I will share my wisdom and tell you what to do to improve the situation. I am your friend, everything you tell me is in confidence, I promise not to laugh, or tell anyone else. Don't forget, a problem halved is a problem shared, or something like that. Don't bottle it up.    

I have been around a long time, seen a lot of life, and know how things work. You may not always agree with what I am saying, but I won't give you any bullshit. I tell it like it is.
I am your friend, Nellie.

20 comments:

  1. Danneke having a look in
    ots of sensible comments there Nellie, done some of them myself over the years to give me peace of mind etc.

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    1. Hi Danny, Howze yer legs, are they working alright now? Those new bits of metal inside you should last you a good few years. You'll be jumping through hoops in no time.

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    1. Of course, Caz, don't I just know it all :o)

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  3. "If you don't like housework,don't do it"...wise words indeed Miss Nellie!
    Jane x

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    1. Common sense to me, Jane.

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  4. I'm nearly 60, female and live in the states. Just bought a cargo van to outfit for overnight camping - as in sleeping in the van. Still here it's $17-$19 a night for campsites, plus $8 more to reserve if you want to be sure one is there when you need it. Still too much on retirement income. What do you think of Stealth Camping? You park quietly after 10pm near a church in a nice residential area. Keep your inside lights off and leave first thing in the morning. All your other camping business is done in parks or waysides before 10pm. Sounds good to me. Let me know what you think.

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    1. Brilliant, Robin Red Breast. You have loads of common sense there. You must have been to my 'Stating the Bleedin Obvious' classes. Why pay for something you can get for free. The only thing I will add though, and I'm sure you will agree with, when you leave your wild camps in the morning you must take everything with you. The only thing you are allowed to leave behind is your piddle in the grass. All other business should be left in a proper purpose built latrine.

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    2. I'm wa-a-a-y ahead of you! I got me a Lugable-Loo! It's a toilet seat that fits on top of a 5 gallon bucket. You put cat litter in the bottom for weight, a small biodegradable bag on top and around the rim. Before you "go" you just add a small scoop of cat litter to the bag to "absorb". Also I have fitted my van with curtains for privacy. So #1 in the bucket in the middle of the night (I am 60 AND female!!) and #2 and more #1's in the public restrooms. The whole idea behind Stealth Camping is be unnoticeable and leave no trace. Love your blog.

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  5. Hi Nellie, I'm not sure that being born knowing everything would be a good thing especially at the rate that things are changing. I bet that even you will learn a few more things. Also, as we get older its our wisdom that makes us valued in society.
    I am very fortunate to have 3 teenage kids who know everything so there is plenty of great knowledge in our house but they dont believe what we tell them.
    I think technology is worst, getting ever more complex. Things are more difficult to mend which means spending more money unfortunately.
    Dave.

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    1. Dave, if you have smart arse kids, maybe you could act dumb when it comes to them asking for more pocket money. Tell them you haven't got any and suggest they find a job and earn it. Then take all the stuff they don't want, and sell it, and make some pocket money for yourself.

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  6. Oh Nellie my nose runs and my feet smell, am I really built upside down?

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    1. Oh dear Sunny, I have the same problems. How I get round it is to stuff bits of tissue up my nose to mop up the snot. Not too much though, you don't want it hanging out the bottom or people will think you are nuts. Regarding the smelly feet syndrome, I can only suggest you never take your socks off. Keep the smell trapped within, bath with them on, and never bend down and lower your nose down to your feet. Not that you will smell very much with all that tissue stuffed up there. If other people find you a bit whiffy, start mixing with those with similar afflictions, then no one will notice your cheesy feet. Bleedin obvious to me.

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    2. It should have been obvious to me gut then I don't have the nack, Nellie Nack I guess it is.

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  7. Mrs Betty Bolsover21 August 2013 at 10:28

    Nellie, light of my life, glad to see you're back. You took a bit of stick over that last post, didn't you, but I'm glad you're not one to let it get you down. I've got a niggling problem you might be able to help me with. I'm relying on your wisdom to advise me what to do next. My old man, Mr B, has this annoying habit of opening the fridge door, reaching for the jar of honey, sticking two fingers in it then sticking them in his mouth. If that wasn't bad enough, he then does the same thing again. Ugh, I think that's gross, puts me right off making a honey sandwich for myself. How can I make him stop this nasty habit?

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    1. Betty, I feel for you. Men have lots of nasty habits, this is just one of them. It must be awful married to such an inconsiderate slob. I have two ideas for you. When you are next ready to dish up the dinner, and he is sitting waiting patiently at the table with his knife and fork ready to pounce, first place an empty plate in front of him. Then go back to the kitchen and bring out the food in whatever pot or pan you have cooked it in, and serve it up with your bare hands. You must make sure that it isn't piping hot though or you will burn your fingers. Mashed potato Sir, certainly, scoop up a handful and throw it on his plate, the same with the meat and veg. Then when he is sufficiently shocked, lick the gravy from your fingers. Then he may get the message.

      The other way to get round the problem, and not quite so messy, is to have two jars of honey in your fridge, marked with 'his' and 'hers'. I'll leave it with you which one you want to try.

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    2. Betty please video result for our edification..

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  8. Nellie my dear, I hope you don't mind a mere male writing to you. My dear wifey who I love dearly, has thrown a bit of a wobbly, which is completely out of character because she is normally compliant to whatever requests I make of her. It has long been my ambition to trek across the Great Wall of China, and after many years of training, I now feel that my body is in superfit condition and I will be able to embrace the challenge.

    She has flatly refused to accompany me on this trip and I feel totally let down by her. Surely she can see how important this is to me. She has made it quite clear that her choice of holiday is sitting on the beach at Broadstairs, and expects me to give up my dream to go with her. Ye Gods, I wouldn't be seen dead in the place, I can't think of anything more boring.

    I don't know what has happened to her, she is not the woman I married thirty five years ago. When we were courting she was up for anything. What am I to do, Nellie. This is my one and only chance, it won't happen again. Your loyal fan, Horace

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    1. Horace, my dear, I feel your pain. I too was married to a miserable old fart who's sense of adventure only stretched as far as backing a few gee gee's at the races, with six pints in the pub afterwards. There is nothing worse that when two people are worlds apart in their likes and dislikes. It makes me wonder how some of them ever get together in the first place. Still, once the vows have been made, then is the time to start working at it.

      Mind you, in your case, after 35 years, I think it's time to give up and take separate holidays. No point in either of you backing down because it would only make the other miserable. So, my common sense tells me that you have to book her into a posh hotel at Broadstairs. It wouldn't be fair to pack her off on her own though, so why not organise one of those handsome male escorts to entertain her. It would take her mind off worrying about you, all alone halfway up a mountain in China. I am sure that this tactic would put a smile on her face and when you both get back you may find that your wife has at last found her sense of adventure.

      In the meantime, you should not be expected to live like a monk on your trip, and in the absence of any suitable females, I am quite willing to change my own holiday plans, and tag along with you. I'm sure we would have a lot of fun in one of those tent things, and you may find that I am able to revive a passion in you that has been a long time dormant. What date do you fly out bye the way? Bye for now, Horace, lovey.

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  9. What is Nellie's food of choice?

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