Heart to heart

Hello. This post has been in my Draft box for a while, now is the time to get it out.

Hello. Trying to think of the right words to start this post. It's morning, the time when my brain is refreshed after a nights sleep, so let's crack on. I've been reading on several blogs, about the reasons why people write a blog, and the reasons why people stop writing a blog. I see mine as an online diary, it records what I do, usually on a day to day basis. I write it for me so I have a record of something to look back on when I am sat in an old folks home, that's if they let me have a computer in my room, ha ha. It may not come to that, I may stay in my own home bimbling around my village until the end, who knows.

I like the creative process in writing, always have done. I did well in school with English language, although you wouldn't thinks so now, when you see my grammatical errors. Sometimes my fingers don't keep up with my brain. But it's fun to bash out a few words on a keyboard.

I am happy that people find my blog interesting and entertaining. My sense of humour is always lurking in the background, and if it makes people chuckle then I am happy. I often laugh at myself, I see simple humour where others might not have noticed it.

I am fairly thick skinned, but sometimes my defenses are down, and I become saddened by what I see  and hear around me. I then have to detach myself from whatever it is that is upsetting me.  I alone are responsible for my own well being, no one else is.

I have touched on this topic before, so forgive me if I repeat myself , there is a reason for this post. Ok, I have always been a loner, I have always done my own thing, except for the teenage years when I wanted to be one of the gang. I grew out of that when I left home and got a flat. From then on I took full responsibility for myself. Life was good, but when I made mistakes it was my fault.

So, what's all this leading to. It's the responsibility thing I am struggling with, I never wanted to be responsible for other people. I entered relationships but when they became too clingy I was out. If friends became too demanding I backed off. I am no good at working in a team, driving a truck was where I was happy. I can socialize but only up to a point. When I am in a room full of people I will make small talk for a while, but I would much rather sit on the edge and watch, and then slip quietly  away unnoticed.

I started the Lady Truckers Club in 1986 and built it up from nothing to over 300 members. We met at Truck Shows, we had parties, I put in all the work, but got more pleasure in seeing other people make friends.

I started a singles club because I didn't know anyone in the area I had moved to. I organized nights out and made a few friends. Again, I did all the leg work and got pleasure from seeing others form friendships and relationships. My role was getting people together, I didn't need to be part of that gang.

So, where is this leading, and what's this got to do with blogging. I have been thinking about this for a while, and have come to the conclusion that there has to be changes. I have always said if you are in a place where you don't want to be then get out and move on. If you are doing something you don't want to do, then stop doing it.

This blog is going to revert back to being my online diary. It will not close, I will keep posting, but there will be no facility to accept comments. I have made a monster here and if I don't make changes now the monster is going to gobble me up. So this isn't goodbye, I will still be here. I won't be posting every day, I have to free myself of the shackles of the keyboard.

To the readers who have always supported me over the years I feel your love and appreciate you popping in each day. Please don't think I am casting you aside, but I don't need constant reminders from you about how much you like my blog and look forward to it. I already know it in my heart. I hope you will carry on reading, I will see your support through the page views in the stats. If you choose to leave then I understand.

I need to pull up the drawbridge, need to tidy up and make my blog into something more manageable. This is all about needs and wants, the direction I need to go in, and what I want from my life. I want more simplicity and less hassle. I need an outlet for my writing, but I don't need constant appraisal, constant questioning, constant scrutiny.

So what will happen next? At some point soon I will turn off the facility to accept comments of any kind. There will be slight changes in the content of my posts. Hello or Dear Reader will not be the starting point, it will be Dear Diary, because I will be talking to myself. You are welcome to read, you can leave if you want to. Walking Group members will still be able to check in on the 1st of every month. I want you to keep walking, it's important that you keep it up.

Thank you for popping in. I am going to be busy for the next couple of days. You have a chance to comment now, but it will be turned off. I have to do this for me. Goodbye, but not goodbye.
Lots of love xxx ilona