Monday 9 December 2013

Having a laff

I like to have a titter now and again, life doesn't always have to be dead serious, full consternation (oops big word) and angst (little word). It's best to lighten the tone a bit and not get so hung up on things going wrong or not working out right. A little trip on an uneven flagstone makes me laugh, my trip that is, it wouldn't be right to laugh at someone else who has tripped, unless they are laughing themselves of course. When I say trip, I mean without falling down, a little stumble that's all. It's not funny when someone hurts themselves. It's the silly little things that make me titter, like the umbrella that blows inside out and takes off in the wind, or the kitchen that gets blasted with soup when you lift the blender out too soon. It helps if you can see the funny side of things.

I often laugh at my own little mishaps, like the time I nearly chopped my own finger off with one of those hand held blades that you cut grass with. A sickle I think you call it. I was slashing away at the weeds in my back garden, and not making much progress, all I seemed to be doing was flattening it and not cutting it. So I had this bright idea of grabbing a tuft in my left hand and hacking it with the sickle in my right hand. Yes, I missed and sliced into my finger, ha ha. A good job I lived just down the road from the hospital, and was able to walk there with my hand wrapped in a tea towel dripping with blood. What a pillock eh, won't do that again.

There were several little mishaps when I was driving, it's normal to make mistakes, everyone does it. Like the time I unhooked an empty tank trailer from my tractor unit, at a brewery. The first thing you do is make sure you are on flat level ground, what did I do, I dropped it on a slope. There is a set order of doing things, you need to wind down the legs on the trailer first. Then disconnect the suzi's, those coloured curly cables at the back of the cab, they are the airlines and electrics and they activate the parking brake on the trailer. Then you pull the handle to release the pin, lastly drive the tractor unit away from the trailer leaving it supported by it's legs with it's brakes on. What did I do !?!? I pulled the pin first, head was in the clouds or somewhere else. This released the trailer, and because it was on a slope it parted company with the unit and rolled backwards. It landed on it's knees, (legs not down to support it), and stretched the suzi's till they bust. Ha ha, what a plonker, and how embarrassing. Had to get a fork lift truck to come and lift the front of the trailer so I could wind the legs down, and get a mechanic to come and replace the suzi's. Didn't do that again.

Ok, while I'm at it, confession time, can laugh now, not funny at the time. When I got back to the depot one night I found I was one box of 24 cans of baked beans short. All was intact when I left, rope and sheet job (tarpaulin covering the load), so where was it. I found it on the road as I was driving home in my car, bent cans and beans splattered all over the place. I quickly stopped and jumped out with a carrier bag and picked them all up. Funny that there wasn't 24 squashed cans, someone must have stopped before me and picked up the undamaged ones, ha ha. Nobody ever found out about it.

Oh go on then, I'll tell you another embarrassing story, ha ha. I was at the Lucas factory in Birmingham collecting some machinery, they were closing it down and we were shipping all the equipment out to another site. I had a lowloader trailer which only just fit through the gates. A team of men dismantled the machines and put them on the trailer. It was my job to rope, strap, and chain everything down. I crawled slowly through the gate and started to turn onto the road, hesitating for a second to look behind me to check all was safe. Now this is every drivers nightmare, to see your load move and not be able to do anything to stop it from falling off. I held my breath and prayed, then two very tall upright machines started leaning to one side, like slow motion they fell onto the road. No one told me they were top heavy, and were filled with oil. OMG EEEEK. Everyone came out to see what had made the big bang, the road was covered in oil, the fire brigade had to be called to mop it up. The road was closed, the buses had to divert, and the police interviewed me. I wasn't laughing then, but it's funny when I look back at it now. I wasn't prosecuted, and I wasn't sacked from my job. Phew, that was close.

Hey, do you like jokes? I've found a few which might make you titter.

My tom cat used to stay out all night, so I took him to the vet and had him neutered. Now he still stays out all night - it turns out he likes to watch!

Man to friend, 'I've really had it with my dog, he'll chase anyone on a bike.' Friend, 'What are you going to do? Have him put down?' Man, 'No, I think I'll just take his bike away'.

A man goes for a check-up. The doctor says, 'I'm going to need a urine sample, a semen sample, a blood sample, and a stool sample.' The man replies, 'I'm in a hurry. Can I just leave my underpants?'

Two bachelors are talking about cooking. 'I got a cook book once,' says one. 'But I could never do anything with it.' 'Were the recipes too hard?' asks the other. 'No,' he replies. But each of the recipes began the same way - take a clean dish.....'

It's late evening and Tom's wife catches him pouring six cans of lager down the toilet. 'What on earth are you doing?' she says. Tom replies, 'Well it seems a waste, but I thought it'd save me getting up in the night.'

And now........This has got to be the funniest Mr Bean ever.

It's good to laff. Toodle pip


  1. Hehehehe..that reminds me of being in the Navy. I taught sea the practical exam the guys had to jump off the top board in full survival suit, to teach them how to abandon ship. I had quite a few Mr Beans in my classes!
    Jane x

  2. Love Mr. Bean. I have two old vcrs of his shows. My daughter and I went to Paris for 3 days and then to London. Just got back last Monday night late. We had a great time, saw sights, some cousins came from Lake District to see us. I was surprised that a lot of the leaves were still green and hanging on. Didn't see the Queen but saw part of the Changing of the Guard. I love England.
    Maggie from US

  3. I've never dropped a trailer on its knees but i've missed the pin a few times. Its not too bad with air suspension but it could be hard work on the older trucks with leaf springs. Quickly hunting round for some blocks to put under the legs and wind them on slow speed.
    I've had pallets go over and stuff damaged but i find that a bit of creative re-stacking and a re-wrap with the roll of shrink wrap from behind the seat can hide a multitude of sins.
    I got sidetracked the other week and was setting off with the legs still down and a couple of the employed drivers were pointing and saying something about useless agency drivers.
    I bet your readers are thinking i'm a right cowboy and its a wonder anything arrives in one piece.

    1. Ha ha, Dave. I've put a dent or two in the back of a cab before now. If you are tipping in Scunny let me know and I'll come and say hello, if I am around. Put your mobi number in a comment here and I won't publish it. I will send you a text so you have my number in your phone. Would be good to have a laff.

  4. Thanks Ilona,, I needed a laugh today. Feeling yuk!

  5. My eldest son has many an 'unfortunate' delivery story to tell from his long distance HGV driving days, both in civvie street and in the Army.

    You're right, it IS good to laugh, too many people take to much of their lives way too seriously these days, if I didn't laugh, sometimes hysterically, at things that happen to me I'd be a quivering wreck half of the time. Life is too short not to enjoy it to the best of your ability and if that means laughing at yourself then so be it.

  6. Loved the jokes and Mr. Bean vid., also enjoy watching his bit in the Olympics opening ceremony. :)

  7. I was setting off at 3am one saturday with stock transfers after working from our depot in the south. There were some drums of liquid cow manure that slipped soon after i set off so i turned back so i could sort it out. I'm just glad they had a hosepipe.
    One night as i drove down the M1 a couple of car drivers beeped and pionted at my drawbar trailer, so i stopped to have a look and all seemed well. A few miles further and i saw blue lights and the police in the3rd lane gesturing to pull over. He told me the trailer was swaying badly and there was no way they were going anywhere near it. He asked me what was wrong with it but it all looked fine so he decided to call a vehicle examiner out at 11pm, he wasn't happy. He couldn't see anything wrong with it but i reckoned the shockers were missing. They let me on my way.

    I'm sort of proud that in 30+years of driving i've only ever had 3points and my licence has been clean for 20years and thats how i hope to keep it.


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