Thursday, 30 September 2010
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
It didn't come to me in a blinding flash, it wasn't some kind of whim, and I didn't have it done on medical grounds, ie, some genetic disorder. As far as I know, my perfectly healthy body was capable of taking a pregnancy to full term and giving birth. But I always knew in my mind, that I could not go through with it.
To some people that might seem a thoroughly selfish attitude to take, but going back to the title of the previous post, the decision had to be for me. I always knew I wouldn't have children, even from a young age. I saw my mother become totally distraught when we were out of her sight for more than an hour or two. Her whole world revolved around us, and me being headstrong, I found this increasingly suffocating as I grew up. I couldn't wait to strike out on my own and embrace my independence.
The thought of another human being depending on me to provide all it's needs for the next 18 or so years, scared me to death. The material needs, and the emotional needs, I knew I wasn't capable, I didn't have it in me.
The few friends that I did mention it to said, who is going to look after you when you are old? I was shocked, is that the reason why people have children, surely not!
I am also a bit squeemish about medical matters, a bit of a coward where pain is concerned, and could not visualise myself giving birth. Oh, I know they say you forget it the moment you have your baby in your arms, and it is all well worth the effort, but I would rather not, thank you very much.
By the time I was 37, all these thoughts had been coming to the surface now and again, in between earning a living and supporting myself. Should I or shouldn't I? I always arrived at the same answer, I will never have children. At that time it was said that it was dangerous to take the contraceptive pill over a long period of time, so I asked my doctor for a more permanent solution, sterilisation. At first he was reluctant to talk about it, as I was single and didn't have a man in my life. There was a chance I might meet someone and I would change my mind. He said there was no rush, and to go home and think about it.
At the next six monthly appointment I saw another doctor and asked him about it. He saw that I was serious, and said he would fix me up with an appointment to see the gynaecologist at the hospital. A couple of months later I went. The lady doctor asked me loads of questions, about my physical and mental health, I wondered if she thought I was round the bend. She asked if I had thought about carrying on the next generation, my answer was, there are enough people already doing that. Little did I know at the time, but there are more than enough people in the world now, and we are in danger of not being able to sustain the population explosion indefinately.
The gynaecologist, herself a Miss, said she could see I was serious, and would fix me up with a date for the operation, it would be in 6 to 9 months. Three months later the letter came to say I would be going in the following week. It was a bit of a shock, this is it, I could change my mind now, last chance.
There was no changing of mind, no going back, this is what I have wanted for a long time. Total peace of mind, knowing it was the right thing for me to do. It was quick, keyhole surgery, one night in and home. I remember it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. People used to ask me when I was going to settle down and have children, like it was expected that every woman did that. I always made some excuse, too busy working, never met the right man, etc. I never said it's not for me, because they would just think I was strange.
So now I am proud of making that choice, and 25 years on, I know it was the right choice. I apologise to anyone reading this who has gone through the heart wrenching process of trying to become pregnant, or who has lost a baby or small child. I hope I haven't offended you, and you find peace in your life.
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
My friend gave it to me when she emigrated, the metal reclining chair is fine, no problems there, so it would be a shame to chuck this away.
It is not worth putting seperate patches on the holes, because more will appear, so I might as well cover the whole side. Another friend was having a clear out and I grabbed the curtain she was about to throw away. It is a long curtain that she had over her patio door, I have no such window that it will fit, so I might as well cut some off the bottom of it and use it for this job. I can hem the bottom of the ramaining curtain which will make it a far more usefull size.
Monday, 27 September 2010
My dinner tonight was day two of a three day veggie stew. I get fed up of cooking sometimes and a stew saves time in the kitchen, just heat it up. It didn't cost much either, potatoes, beans, and tomatoes out of the garden. A couple of onions, two apples which someone gave me, six sprouts, the last bit of broccoli, a handfull of pasta twirls, porridge oats to thicken it, and throw in any old spices that you have. I use lots of turmeric, I love it. Most of my meals are yellow, my insides probably are as well. I've just had my pudding, Onken Wholegrain Summer Berry yoghurt, scrumptious. It's on special offer at Netto, so I bought two pots, trouble is it's a struggle not to scoff the lot ;-0
I made another shopping bag today, it's lovely. Again the colours are wrong, it's mainly red, with a dark blue patterned panel down the centre. The fabric is very thick and plastic coated, so it will be hard wearing. I got it from the Scrapstore before it closed.
Must go, I think Jessie wants a walk, only four poo's today up to now, there must be more, ha ha.
Sunday, 26 September 2010
I take your point Devon lass about the posts not always being to your liking. I tend not to spend loads of time reading stuff I am not particulary drawn to. For instance, blogs which are mainly about a single topic. Oh I still look at them, but skip through a bit quick. I like to include a mixed bag of allsorts, because I have a wide range of interests. I spend more time reading blogs of a similar nature, because I want to get to know the person behind the blog, what makes them tick. If someone is brilliant at cooking or sewing, I want to know what else floats their boat.
lovelygrey, you are so right about giving time to your cause, it gets you interacting with people. Anna, I have met loads of people since I started litter picking. The older people in the village say hello, and thank you, and I chat to the youngsters as well. Maybe there is something you could get involved with near your home.
Sharon, you are an inspiration to me. You have had a kick in the teeth, but have managed to make a new life for you and your children. It must be a lot harder when you have others to consider, I take my hat off to you, well done.
Laffemet, I too know those married people who are not happy, and all because they are not talking to each other. They are not truly honest with themselves, or with their partners. They must look inside themselves and see what is broken, then work out a way to mend it.
Anyway a few piccies here on this dreary drizzly Sunday. This is Jessica, the reason why I am grounded this week. She does very well for saying she can't see a thing. She tells me when she wants to go out by waiting by the front door, and when it's meal times she barks. I have to steer her around obstacles when we are outside, but she finds her own way inside. I have never know a dog that poo's so much. I have almost filled the bin at the end of the road, good job they are emptying it tomorrow, ha ha.
She is such a sweetie, she loves having her tummy rubbed and likes playing with her soft toys. You can't help but love her.
I hope you are having a nice Sunday, I'm off to make my dinner. Toodle pip.
Saturday, 25 September 2010
The full quotation is this....
Friday, 24 September 2010
Let's take the lonely and depressed bit first. I have been living on my own ever since I left home when I was 18, so you could say I have had plenty of practice. Although I appear to be sorted now, I have gone through some lonely and depressing times, some of these have been triggered by my Body Dismorphic Disorder (BDD lots of interesting stuff if you google it). Having low self esteem has been very difficult to deal with at times, but on the whole I have usually managed to pull myself out of it.
My singleness comes from the fact that I have an independant streak, and coupled with a very demanding job, I have never had the opportunity to meet the right person who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I am not lonely or depressed, I feel very lucky for the life I have now, and the confidence I have which has grown with age and experience. About fourteen years ago I had a boyfriend, he promised me everything, how we would be together for the rest of our lives, how he loved me more than anything. I believed him, but there was a price to pay and it took me a while to spot the flaws in our relationship. Basically I did all the giving and he did all the taking. He wanted to control everything I said and everything I did. Everybody noticed the changes in me, I was turning into the person he wanted me to be and I lost my identity. The questions and the accusations were terrible, I know now that he was an evil man. Thank goodness I eventually saw sense and got out, but it wasn't easy, my confidence was rock bottom because he had such a hold over me.
Eventually I managed to turn things around, you don't just stop living when a relationship breaks up, you have the rest of your life in front of you. I made myself get back out there, pick up the pieces and start afresh. I didn't know many people because I had moved to a new area, to be with him, I needed to meet people. What I did was to start an introduction agency/singles club. I made up a programme of events, social nights out, and advertised it every week in the free paper. It grew and grew, I made lots of friends, and in three years we had three weddings, people found partners and friends, and I found a new boyfriend.
What I am trying to say is, that if you wait around for something to happen you will wait for ever. When time is lost you can never get it back. The new boyfriend by the way, finished with me after about two years. He couldn't cope with the age gap, I was 14 years older than him. But that was his choice, I respected him for being honest, and I got on with the rest of my life.
One thing I don't do is pine for something I haven't got, there is no point. I have been given a life and my only responsibility is to me, to make the best of it. No one else is responsible for making me happy, it is entirely in my own hands. This is why I go out on my own.
I realise that everyone is not like me. When I ran the singles club I sometimes had to go out into the car park of the pub we were meeting at, and speak to someone in their car because they were too shy to come in on their own. I was the meeter and greeter. Once they got inside and met a few people they relaxed a bit more, and after a few visits the change in them was amazing. It was taking that first step which was the hardest.
Anna, you say that people don't want to know you, now you have no money. I am not sure how they would know you have no money, unless you tell them. There is no need for anyone to know what you have or have not got. I am happy telling people that I don't have very much spare cash, because I am proud of my simple penny pinching lifestyle. If people judge me on my material posessions and don't look at me the person, then I don't care if they don't want to know me. I have rich and poor friends, they are all the same to me.
I am sure the cost of living is quite high in London, but you can still go out even though you don't have much money. The library is free, cycling is free, some museums and art galleries are free, some colleges offer free courses, walking is free, and donating blood is free. Dog walking is one of the best free activities that gets you talking to people, and it doesn't have to be your own dog either. London can be a lonely place to live, but if you make that effort and be the first one to speak, you might be surprised. Even if you go to the local shop for a paper and say 'Good Morning' to someone, it's a start, you never know where it might lead.
Anna, I hope you don't find my post dictating or patronising, I don't mean to be. It's just that I am a firm believer that our destiny is largely in our own hands, the only exception being that if we are unfortunate enough to suffer from unavoidable ill health. Please please please look after yourself, and that goes for anyone else reading this.
Thursday, 23 September 2010
This is Oblivion. Two rows of riders, you get to the top of the lift hill and just as you are about to fall over the edge it stops for a few seconds. You wait...
Then you plunge vertically into a black hole. Scream.
Mucho sorry, got to take a dog out.
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
Ilam Hall is a huge Victorian Gothic manor house set in 84 acres of country parkland, on the banks of the River Manifold. It was first built in the 16th century, then demolished and rebuilt in the 1820's. A large part of it was demolished again in the 1920's, and in 1934 it was donated to the National Trust. Last year it had a complete makeover inside and the facilities are everything you would expect from a good quality hotel. How fabulous to spend the night here for just £16.
I set off at a about 8am on Monday morning, having got most of my stuff ready the night before. I am trying to get a bit more organised. The plan was to allow two hours driving time, and make the decision when I reached Ashbourne in Derbyshire, whether to go straight to Alton Towers, or have a walking day first and leave the Towers till the following day. It was dependent on the weather. I don't mind walking in the rain, but I don't want to be blasted in the face by droplets of rain which feel like hailstones, when I am hurtling around a coaster track.
I was making good progress untill I hit a 'Road Closed Follow Diversion' sign, which took me miles off route through Wirksworth, arriving at Ashbourne at about 10am. A sign as I entered the town 'Free Parking', now that's the sign I like to see, how sensible to use the cricket club car park for general use on a weekday.
The weather was looking a bit stormy with sunny bits in between, and as I was now running half an hour late, it made sense to do a walk today and ride the coasters tomorrow, when the forecast was much better.
So this is Ashbourne, the gateway to the Peak District. Nearly 40 years ago I had a van driving job and this was part of my patch, delivering spares to garages. It was a lovely job, the driving round bit, not the calling on customers and trying to sell them something, I was hopeless at that, ha ha.
There are a few cobbled streets around the market place, I called in Tourist Information to pick up a free map. Advertising boards everywhere though, makes the place look a tad messy. It's a pity the traders can't all get together and agree on a style and colour in keeping with the historical look about the place.
I had a nosey up an ally way and found this house which was covered in red berries.
A bit early to pop into Ye Olde Vaults.
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
Sunday, 19 September 2010
The area around the chinese takeaway was littered with food wrappings and beer cans, the bin was overflowing so I removed a lot of it and put it in their trade waste bin next to the shop. I think the government should close all fast food places, that would reduce the amount of litter significantly, and halve the obesity problem, in one fell swoop.
This is just a few of the bottles and cans I picked up, as you can see the vandalism is alcohol related.
The kids do some daft things when they are drunk. At one house they have had some block paving done, and had put some pallets and wood across it to alert people not to trip on the holes where the gate posts are going to be. I had to knock on their door this morning to tell them where their wood had ended up so they could go and recover it. Someone's goal posts and net from their home footy pitch ended up next to the bin between the church and the pub. Goodness know how far they had carried that. I just don't know what is going through the minds of these yobs when they do this.
Anyway, despite the rain, the rest of the day hasn't been too bad. I took Henry dog back to his house, and went to the Ropewalk again for another natter because I hadn't seen it all yesterday. I hope it stops raining for tomorrow, I am going out. Just got to find the cord that holds my specs on my head, so I don't lose them on the roller coasters, now where did I put it. Spose I could always wear contact lenses instead. Toodle pip.