Saturday, 11 January 2014

It's a bum deal

This is a post for the ladies, men may read it if they are nosey. Did you know that the trend these days is to have a big bottom, so to all you big bummers out there, you are dead cool.  So if you ask anyone, does my bum look big in this, and they answer yes, you will be the envy of all the stick insects gliding along the catwalks in the fashion shows. Skinny bums are not 'in', they are no good for twerking, don't look attractive in tight pants, and you won't pull if you don't have any meat on your buttocks.
Do not despair if you fall into the beanpole category like me, help is at hand. I have found the solution in an unlikely place. No this isn't an advert for silicone injections or butt implants, nothing as remotely painful as that. All you need is a pair of Seamfree Bum Shaper Briefs, and you can buy them in a certain discount store with the initials HB. No doubt they will make an appearance in other stores soon. 
I was in there wanting to buy cat food and dog treats, and sauntered down the main aisle looking for the right section. I came across a selection of stretchy undergarments, which I guessed were to hold ones wobbly bits in place while exercising, or to improve ones body shape when dressed in tightly fitting clothes. I'm afraid when I saw these hanging up in front of me I burst out laughing. It's not very often you walk round a shop and find a bum in your face, ha ha.The temptation was too great, I had to take a photo, no, don't be silly, I didn't buy a pair. 
They are meant to shape and control your bottom. I suppose if you were a tad over wobbly they would do a similar job as a bra. If that's the case they could have called them the new Bumbra. The front bit looks like the back of a very skimpy pair of panties, I dread to think what that feels like. It certainly wouldn't keep the nether regions snug and warm in the cold winds of winter. Blimey, you would catch a chill just where you don't want one.

I've just thought of a possible use for them. I wonder if they would make cycling a lot more comfortable. I know they make padded shorts specifically for cycling but they are a bit expensive, and besides they make you look as if you have a baby's nappy on as you waddle around. Perhaps if I got a pair of Shapers they would do two jobs, give me a bit of meat on my skinny bum to make cycling more comfortable, and also I would be in fashion parading around proudly showing off my fat @rse. Ooops, shouldn't use that word, I meant derriere of course, that's the posh word for @rse isn't it. 

Anyway, swiftly moving on. I have started a new project which is going to take a few weeks to complete. I am making another rag rug, using another piece of net for the backing. I had forgotten that I fastened this piece around the trunk of an old and dying apple tree in the middle of my veg garden, to train some creeper plants to grow up the tree and cover it. The tree was too big for me to chop down. Anyway, it eventually gave up the ghost and with an almighty shove I managed to crack it at the bottom and it fell. I removed the net and it hasn't deteriorated at all in the four years that it has been outside in all weathers. With a good scrub in soapy water it is ready to begin the next phase of it's life. Some of you may remember that I had retrieved this from the back of a lorry shipping container, before it got thrown away. Re-purposing at it's best. It is slightly bigger than the last piece I used.    
This time I am not going to mix the colours. I have still got teeshirts left that I bought from car boot sales when I made the last rug, and a few in my wardrobe which I ought to let go of because they are looking worn out. I shall be grouping the colours together in splodges, like you would daub a canvas with paint. The aim is to give it the appearance of an abstract painting, only it wont be hung it will be laid on the floor. I have no pattern or design in mind, and will add splodges of different colours in different shapes as I go along. A picture may emerge from it as I assess it at each stage, who knows how it will end up.

Hey, it's the weekend, I've got things to do. Enjoy yours. Toodle pip.


  1. Those knickers are hilarious! I'm built like a racing snake.. some seats are a bit hard on my bony butt, but I'm still not tempted!
    Jane x

  2. I'm skinny apart form my bum. Does this mean that I finally have a shape that is in fashion ? whoop whoop that's a first ... finally fashionable at 67 years old !

  3. I cried laughing as I scrolled down. Whatever next?!

  4. How long and wide do you cut your tee shirt strips???? Also do you use any sort of tool to push the fabric through? A few days ago I saw a craft show on the telly that was dedicated to rag rug making. I fancy a go but the kits were about £20.

    Regards Natalie

    1. Hi Natalie. I make the strips about five and a half inches long, and about three quarters of an inch wide. They don't have to be exact. I do have a pegging tool, but I find I get on better with a biggish crochet hook. Stick it through and out again, fold the strip in half and pull it through, the pull the loose ends through the loop you have just created. You don't need to buy a kit, look out for some sort of hessian, or the carrot or onion sacks discarded in the market. Practice with a small piece first. Good luck.

  5. The comedian John Bishop used to be a sales director and on a business trip to Spain he discovered that he forgot to pack his undies. So he went to buy some but they were all padded at the back.
    I'm no fashion expert but in these days of boob enhancement a skinny ass doesn't match.
    My wife wanted bigger boobs but i cant afford it so i told her to rub toilet roll between them. Its worked on her bum so its wirth a try.
    Sorry for being nosey.

  6. Somewhat tempted by a pair of those pants - after a couple of weeks of not cycling over Christmas bits of me are in shock after being asked to ride to and from work all week!

  7. Ha ha I cried laughing when I scrolled down and saw those "bumbras"! So so funny.

    I just might have a go however at that rug making, bet it will turn out fantastic. I'll add it to my ever increasing to do list now. xx

  8. Looking forward to seeing the rug!

  9. Oh goodness! Haha

  10. What a great project, I will look forward to seeing how it looks as work continues! x

  11. lol! They are crazy, who would really want to wear them? Soo funny.

    Great idea for the rug, can't wait to see how it progresses.

    X x

  12. I don't think I'd better comment; just pretend I wasn't here!

  13. Oh glory! My first thought when I saw the photo was, I need these for my boney butt for bicycling. But then I saw that the padding wasn't really in the right place to be effective. So sad . . . . :)


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