Thursday 28 January 2021

The right answer

 I think I was about 37 or something like that. There's only one exact date I can remember and that's my birthday. I had been thinking for a long time that I will probably not have any children, I couldn't see me doing that. I look at babies and small children and think, aaaah, aren't they sweet, but that's as far as it went. I can hold them, and play with them, then I am happy to hand them back. My sister was different, it was always on the cards for her to have a family. And she did. 

From my early twenties to my mid thirties I went to the doctor every six months or so for the pill. This was such a relief to me that I could do that, it took the pressure off. Questions were asked of me from friends and relatives, when are you going to settle down and start a family. I muttered something along the lines of not yet, or I haven't found anyone I want to marry. Truth be told I was horrified at the thought of 'settling down'. Crikey, what's that, stuck inside a house, with a routine, chained to someone else. I couldn't do it. The questions went on for a few years.  

Taking the contraception pill for a long time was thought to be dangerous, so I started to think of other solutions. I tried some of the others, they weren't appealing to me. And so I started to ask the doctor for a more permanent solution, I was about 35 at this time. Dr Miller was a lovely man I could talk to him about anything, he didn't judge my lifestyle.

 I brought the subject up about a possible sterilisation, and for about two years he kept putting me off saying there was plenty of time to think about that. One appointment I went to there was a different doctor on duty, so I brought it up again with him. He said he would make an appointment for me at the hospital to speak to someone. At last I might be getting somewhere and time was moving on. This needs to be sorted. 

The appointment arrived and I went along to the hospital to speak to the gynaecologist, a Miss Gintz. It was an interview to see if I had thought this through properly, and for her to explain what the operation entailed. She gave me a thorough grilling, the questions came thick and fast. I felt that she was more interested in my mental health rather than my physical health, which was excellent by the way. I wasn't doing it for medical reasons, I wanted control of my body and peace of mind. 

There was one question which stuck in my mind. Miss Gintz asked if I had thought about bringing the next generation into the world. This flummoxed me a bit because I had never thought that it was my duty to do that. The first thing that came into my head was, and I said it out loud, 'there are plenty of other people doing that, I don't think one less would make any difference'. 

With that her mind was made up. I wondered if the fact that she was unmarried herself and probably hadn't had any children, swayed her decision. She said I would be contacted sometime in the next six months. 

A letter came one month later, saying I was to be admitted the following week. I remember thinking, this was crunch time, and I could back out if I wanted to. But no, my mind was made up and had been for a long time. I felt a great sense of relief when it was over. No more explaining why I wasn't married and why I hadn't any children. Nobody feeling sorry for me because I was still on the shelf, as they called it in those days. No more pitying looks because I was still single at 37. My new answer to the questions was, 'I don't have any children, by choice'. 

I didn't need to bring any children into the world. There are enough people having babies, and one less hasn't made a bit of difference. The consensus now is that there are too many people, and the earth cannot sustain everyone, which is a green light for those who are intent on reducing the worlds population by whichever means they see fit. 

It's 11.15am, raining outside, and I haven't had my breakfast yet. I will get something now before I faint. Thanks for popping in. Toodle pip.   ilona

42 comments:

  1. Good for you. I am incensed by couples in civilized countries who have 6+ kids. I know it's their choice in a free world but I consider it to be extremely selfish. The world can't cope now let alone in the future. I am sure I'll receive a barrage of abuse but this is how I feel.

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    1. I am sometimes a little envious of happy families, but then I think it wouldn't be very nice to be in an unhappy family.

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  2. Good for you Ilona you made the choices that were right for you.im another one who feels it was right for me to Neva marry.i had two boys but bought them up alone we had amazing fun but it's hard work .I think the world is full of too many people now I admire those who live their life to the full without having a whole gaggle of children.im my block of flats there is a family with ten children in a two bedroom flat! Very noisy in there home.i quite like peace and quiet lolx

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    1. Oh my word. I have been lucky with neighbours, never had any that have been noisy or a nuisance.

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  3. Good for you for making your choice and sticking to it.
    Not everyone is suited to be a parent.

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    1. I had my doubts sometimes about whether I was doing the right thing, especially when a very nice boyfriend asked me to marry him. I wasn't ready so had to end it. Now I know I did the right thing.

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  4. I did want one child did try had ivf but it failed. Like you I think there are quite enough people in the world already and though I was disappointed at leaving it too late I have now come to the conclusion that it was for the best. Big families are not for me although I do come from a big family. Life is for living being kind thoughtful and loving to others it is short so enjoy while we are still here. My cats have been my children and I love them very much. Love Liz Amy and Benny.xxx

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    1. Things don't always turn out how we would like, but there is always something around the corner. I had my first cat when I was down, and fell in love with the little bundle of ginger fur.

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    2. They are great friends and with this Covid 19 now are such a blessing. Lots of love Ilona Mayze and Oscar.xxxx Liz Amy and dear old Benny.xxxx

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  5. I have followed you for a long time but never commented before. I married at 21, 43 years ago (still married to the same lovely man). We decided we would wait until I was 25 and then talk about a family. 25 came came and went and we never had the conversation. We have never regretted that. We are and have always been, happy as a family of 2. Years ago I did get annoyed when asked about my family and I said no children and there was that look of pity. It was a real conversation stopper.

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    1. Hello, nice to hear from you, and welcome. A family of 2 sounds good.

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  6. I know too many people who shouldn't have had children; parenting is not in their skill set. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.

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    1. I knew I would be useless at it in the long term. A child is for life, not just for Christmas.

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  7. I'm another childless person by choice and circumstance - I married at 40 and my husband was 47. My other two sisters didn't have children either. Now in my 60s, I too am sometimes envious of other families with kids and grands, but I have a great extended family and can get my fill of youngsters from them.

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    1. A family can be anything you like. It can be home grown or inherited. Enjoy your little ones while they are little.

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  8. I'm glad I had my two. Despite the fact they live thousands of miles away, they are always in touch to cheer me up. And my little granddaughter too. I live on in them, even if I die tomorrow.



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    1. My mum found it very difficult to let go of her children. Both me and my brother left the area, but my sister stayed, and gave mum two grand children. I'm glad you have found a way of keeping your family together, yet carry on with your own lives.

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  9. My son has just found out it's not in the cards due to genetic problems on his wife's side. He suggested they wait, think about fostering or adopting, or even surrogacy.

    She left him. He's devasted. I think it's for the best. She left behind all of her "cherished pets". She was having a "hard time accepting she can't be a mother and needs space".

    It's always been all about her.

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    1. Sometimes it's better to cut your losses and separate. Time is a good healer.

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  10. I've got two grown-up children and I sometimes wonder that if I'd known what the world would turn out like, would I have had them? I honestly don't know. I certainly wouldn't have children now, I feel sorry for any that are born into this madness. God only knows what they'll have to face.

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    1. I am wondering how single people can meet a prospective partner now that we are not allowed to go out and socialize. I suspect that there will be a dip in the birth rate.

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    2. Yes, there's bound to be. It's very difficult for anyone to form any kind of relationship right now. I worry for the poor little children in their formative years who are missing out on forming bonds with their wider family and making spontaneous friendships with other children. They're never going to get that time back and I can see many of them having social problems for life.

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  11. Oh ilona, your body, your life, your choice.

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  12. I had 3 children. One of my sons doesn't want children and it's caused him a lot of problems as some girlfriends have thought he would change his mind and ended the relationship when they realise he means it. He's always been honest about it from the start too. Also my last hairdresser didn't want children and her husband divorced her after 10 years of trying to change her mind. I think it's much better for children to be really wanted and admire people who choose not to give into pressure if they don't want them.

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    1. Being true to yourself is the best thing anyone can do for themselves. I hope your son finds someone who is singing from the same songsheet.

      Sounds like your hairdresser had a very unhappy marriage. Best to cut the ties and start afresh.

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  13. I've met people who, in their youth, decided not to have children. I often wonder whether they came to regret this decision later in life, when they saw their friends having grandchildren. I personally feel extremely lucky to have one child and one grandchild.

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    1. I bet there are a lot of people who, at some point in their lives, say I wish I had done such and such. All anyone can do is try and get back on the right track if they find themselves going in the wrong direction.

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    2. I first asked for a sterilisation at the age of 19 and was refused... and refused... and refused. Each time the doctor would say I had perfectly good reasons and seemed to be sensible of what I was choosing, but I was just too young. I really don't see the point of making people wait most of their child-bearing years and like Ilona was flummoxed when doctors seemed to assume every woman wanted children and it was somehow my duty to perpetuate my line. "You would love them if they were your own" was a line I heard often. I didn't want children then, never have... I believe everyone should be encouraged to have fewer or no children and at 55 don't regret that I never had any. I just would have liked not to have to worry about contraception all those years.

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    3. I decided when I was 10 years old in 1978 that I didn't want to have children. I could see even at that early age that the planet was already overcrowded and nature was being forced out! I had years (from my early 20's upwards) of folk telling me I would regret it....I was too young to make up my mind...who would look after me when I was old etc etc. I've always been very independent and comfortable with my own company and lived on my own very happily for four years before I met my future husband in 1997. I told him from the start that I did not want children and two days after we got back from our honeymoon in September 2001 he had a vasectomy - the perfect wedding present! Doctors had refused to sterilise me for years and years....giving me the blah blah blah about how I would change my mind. Well, here we are at 52 years of age (53 in March!) and I have never once regretted my decision. I have a full life with lots of hobbies that I am free to enjoy and a wonderful husband. When I look at how the world now is with so much nastiness, fake gods (materialism & celebrities) and how it can only get worse (even before covid kicked in last year!) I am so happy I have not added to the problem nor brought a child into this.

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  14. Total respect for your choice, Ilona. You have always ploughed your own furrow and taken the consequences for your decisions. That's why I admire you,
    Ger in Ireland

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    1. Thank you. I make a cock up and I admit to it.

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  15. I have four children, and when the youngest was still in a pram I took him and the older kids, plus two that I was minding for a working mother, and walked to a doctor in the next suburb. I said I'd like to have my tubes tied. He looked at sweaty me and six sweating kids and said How about Friday?

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  16. An interesting post Ilona.
    I always wanted 4 children but was lucky to have 2, my D happily married with 2 and my Sin is married but they Son decided they would not have any. I have 2 GC (1 34, 1 28) not sure if they will have any that is there choice. I am glad I had my two but life was so different in my day, I am eldest of 6, I always remember my Mum saying the last 2 were mistakes. I have had a good life be it married at 20 and widowed at 48 and happily single at 82.
    Hazel c uk 🌈🌈🌈🌻

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  17. I hope Ilona will get back to her more cheery posts and videos soon. That's why I first enjoyed this blog. I know it's a difficult time for everyone at the moment but it's nice not to hear posts about masks and vaccines. Boring.

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  18. I completely respect anyone who chooses not to have children. In my case, although I grew up in a dysfunctional family, I thought I could do better (and I did) and I desperately wanted children. At the same time, I was very eager to adopt. Good thing--turned out I was infertile. We adopted two children from Colombia and had (and still have) a good life together. It was the right decision for us, just as childlessness was the right choice for Ilona. My kids are 42 and 44 and I do not have grandchildren. My daughter is developmentally disabled. My son married for the first time at 39 and his bride, also a first-timer, was 44. They decided 44 was a good age to finish a family, but a lousy time to start. Can't argue that one! I think people should have children, or not, and it is nobody's business but their own. I would never comment on someone else's decision.

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    1. I think you have been blessed with a lot of love in your house, you made the best choice for yourselves. And that's what it is about, personal choice, whether you have no children or a football team. I think of the Radfords with their brood. They are happy, they have a strong bond with their kids, they are a hard working family.

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  19. I greatly admire people who make that choice. It’s so much wiser than having children out of obligation because it is a lifetime commitment. I have several family members who never married or some who did and never had children and I have to say they lead very full lives. Different strokes for different folks and that’s what keeps life from being boring.

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  20. People who do not want children should not have children! I was one of five children, and wanted children. Two was my personal limit but I had three and am overjoyed. Each of my two older children, boy and girl, have a boy and girl each. The younger, 46, never wanted children and that is her choice.

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  21. I never had chidren and never really wanted them. At 28, I had to have a hysterectomy. THAT shut people up. Anyway, at 65, I just told my husband today that if our dogs are bothering me, I can go into another room and shut the door; can't do that with a kid. Also, I think there should be "no children" sections in restaurants. We have very little money and when we can finally enjoy a meal out (which is usually a birthday or anniversary), we like to have a quiet meal, not sitting there with screaming, crying children or little brats running around unattended to. Good choice, Ilona.

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