Sunday, 22 September 2013

Love your mum

I have very few regrets about how my life has panned out, things have almost gone how I expected them to. I've pretty much sailed through life compared to some people. Oh, there have been the occasional blips, a wrong decision here, a bit of a cockup there, but nothing that I haven't overcome, and no major disasters. Getting involved with the wrong person, more than once, funny how we can make the same mistake twice, or several times. I think we do learn, eventually.

I don't regret leaving home at 18 and moving away to start my independent life. I don't regret changing jobs so often, I get bored doing the same repetitive tasks over and over again. I don't regret not getting married, it would have been a constant battle between wanting to do my own thing, and being half of a partnership. I don't regret moving to this house, even though it was a relationship and a job which brought me here, both of which have since ended. A place is what you make it, and it's nice place to live.

I have never been one for harping on about the past, what's gone is gone, move on. I am not the shy child now, or the troubled teenager who was unhappy about her face. Oh, it was painful at the time, caused me no end of grief, especially the other kids calling me names. I have moved on, I still don't like my face but I'm stuck with it.  My only regret was looking in the mirror and crying so much, but I was too young to do anything about how I felt.

No, looking back, there are very few regrets, except one that comes into my mind now and again. You know what that is? That I didn't talk enough with my mother. She died unexpectedly 28 years ago, and I was too busy with my own life to make time for her. My regret is that I have missed out on the chance to learn more about her life, I was so damned selfish. She told me bits about growing up in Hamburg, about the war, and about my half brother. I know a little about some of her family members, but she told me these things when I was a child, and I wasn't paying attention, because I didn't think I needed to know.

You might have noticed that I wear two rings, these are the rings that she always wore and I inherited them. She didn't leave much to us, she died almost penniless, there was just enough to pay for the funeral. My poor mother had such a hard life, and I wish I could speak to her now. Looking at the rings on my hands reminds me of her. I have just made a short video, you will see the rings, that is what has triggered me to write this.

If you are lucky enough to still have your mother, please talk to her as often as you can. Ask her about her life, find about where she came from, ask her what it was like growing up all those years ago. Get her to pass down her stories to you, because one day she won't be there any longer.
Lots of love xxxxxxx     


  1. I know exactly what you mean. My mother died 30 years ago and I miss her every day of my life. And I wish I'd been kinder to her, and not the stroppy teenager I was.
    By the way, you have a very kind and happy face, and that's worth so much more!

  2. I really do not know what you think is wrong with your face, you look very much like my friend Tracy and she is one of the most attractive people that I know, when she goes out on the town she is positively glamorous. The main difference is that her hair is very long,very curly so she straightens it.

  3. Its surprising how little you know about your parents and other family members. Theres a lot of things my children don't know about me, although i doubt they'd be interested.
    As you go through life there are different things to deal with, the child and teenager years, the starting serious relationships and the bringing up a family. Its only later that you start to wonder about your parents and your ancestors.
    As long as you've been happy and healthy lifes been good for you and i bet your Mum was always happy for you.

  4. My Mum died unexpectedly 11 years ago when i was pregnant with my second child, my only regret is not having enough time for her that evening as i was doing an assignment for university, she told me she felt unwell, and she was goign home to bed, we said our goodnights, and i never aw her alive again, that night plays on my mind alot, if i was not busy, or she came in and had a brew as she usually did ( we lived facing each other), if i had inststed she came and that I was not busy. I miss her more than I could every put into words. I heard so many stories about her life she told me, but there was always more that she never spoke about, the hard times of her growing up, she was an amazing woman, and I like you I urge those who have their mothers, or who may have fallen out over trivial things, to cherish her. It is so true you dont realise what you have until it is gone xxx
    I too have never liked me, my body, my face, I have grown into myself the older i have got. I look back at pictures and wonder why I ever thought i was fat, especially now the spread has started. The older i have gotten the more accepting of myself I have become, and the less hung up on my appearance, clothes etc, I suppose it is just all part of maturing and becoming wiser

    sharon xxx

  5. I'm fortunate that I do still have my Mum. She really is such a kind lady. Sadly Dad has gone, he was lovely too. I'm aware that having two wonderful parents is a blessing. When we are young it's easy to take people for granted, perhaps more so if they are kind. Your Mum no doubt wouldn't have thought any less of you.
    By the way, your face is nice, don't most of us feel insecure about something when we are young, it's just part of growing up.
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us readers.

    Angela xx

  6. My mum died suddenly, after a short battle with cancer. I was there at the time, and it took a while for me to actually forgive her for dying. It was 8am, I had just checked on her to see her chest moving,, went to the loo,, and went back in to her, and she had gone. Thankfully she had moved nearer to me in the last of her years,, and that I am glad of. I look in the mirror every day and see her looking back at me.
    I am not happy with my thighs,, but hey ho!

  7. My mum died unexpectedly when I was 21, and it didn't take long for me to start realizing all the things I would miss out on, and all the things she would miss out on. She'll never be at my wedding (if I ever get married), she never met any of her grandchildren, and I don't have her here to ask advice on when I need it. A girl needs her mother, especially during certain times of life, and it's hard. I'm also learning how much I didn't know about my mum, and how much I want to know. I hate it.. But, unfortunately, I have to live with it. I'll just try to do better, and learn as much as I can through other people, but it's never going to be the same as talking to her directly. I miss her, muchly..

    Thanks for sharing this post.

  8. Oh Ilona you made me cry. I had wonderful parents and I was very close to them but still I often find myself thinking I wish I had asked more questions. I think most people are the same. At the time of life when we might have asked the right questions and remembered the answers we were too busy being the hardworking responsible adults our parents raised us to be.
    I feel sure your Mum would be very proud of all you have achieved .

  9. Hi Ilona (what a thoughtful post). My MIL always says 'My father didn't leave me anything but a sense of humor'. It always makes me smile. I suspect from what you have told us about your mother, that she passed onto you a generous amount of common sense. She would be very proud of you I'm sure (and btw I think we are all a bit selfish when we are young). Are there any relatives that can tell you some new stories about your mother? I love hearing about my parents lives before we came along. Debbie

  10. You are absolutely right; my mum died when I was only 26, and I was a young mum with an 18m old daughter; it came as a shock when it happened as she had been staying up in Scotland with us only the week before. I am lucky in that her two brothers are still alive and share stories about the past with us all, and my dad is here, albeit nearly 84, and he talks to us about the past. But I seem to think that my life would be a bit different if she was here, and I still miss her every day.

  11. Reading this makes me sad.
    Sad for you because you wish your mum was still here to talk to.
    Sad for me because I've never had my mum to talk to. I don't know what that might be like. She let my father abuse me so has never been a mother to me in any sense.
    I miss what might have been.
    I do have a lovely mum in law though now :-)

    As others have said there's nothing wrong with your face :-)

    Polly x

  12. Wow Ilona, that blog from you came right from the heart. Ibhave seen you on a lot of occassions and let me tell you and the other readers You scrub up very well love and look fantastic in your posh frock and party mode.


  13. You're lovely Ilona and I bet your mum was too.

    You have made me cry though and my face cream has gone in my eyes and now I can't see.

    Much love. Xx

  14. You made my eyes leak, my mum died suddenly 3 years ago, and there isn't a single day when I don't think of her. I wear the bracelet she was wearing when she was rushed to hospital, it hasn't been off my wrist since that day. I think we all have "if onlys"

  15. Profound blog today. I did notice while I was watching your video that you were wearing a gold band and I wondered if it were maybe your Moms. I read your blog everyday, but have only commented once. I have to tell you, your writing never fails to make me smile. I am amazed at your stamina and drive with your walking, i love your photos of your travels. Someday I hope to visit England as part of my heritage is English. Oh...your kitty is beautiful!

  16. A lovely post and food for thought indeed. My mother is a very busy lady, but l do try to get her to tell me about her growing up. She has promised to write some things down too. Wonder if my 18. Year old daughter will want to hear my stories someday. I have a gold ring with tiny stones in, one day she will have that l hope. Wish you a good week. Pam

  17. A very poignant post, especially for those of us whose mothers have gone...From what I read here, your mother gave you abundant common sense and the ability to work hard and enjoy the fruit of your labours...Talk to anyone who knew her well. My bet is they'll tell you how proud she was of you. You have a wonderful face and a kindly spirit and I wish you a good week.

  18. Yout mother's very proud of her beautiful daughter & lives on in you,Iiona!


  19. This post come from your heart Ilona and I love you for it.
    It touched me greatly and I am sure many others too, I can liken to all you have expressed.
    My mother died 14 years ago. I regret that I had emigrated to the US and not been there for her in her last years. I often wonder if things would have been different if I had been close by.
    Love from Pam in TX.

  20. You sound so sad Iona tonight please don't be your Mum will be looking over you. My mother used to say to me " You know I do love you I don't tell you often but I do" and it always reminded me of the Royal Family when Barbara's mother was dying and she said almost the same thing. Everything has to be for a reason and I also wish I hadn't said I would not be going round to see her that night until later on we all have sadness what we should have or not have done. That's life so they say. Relish the time you had with you Mum some don't even have that time at all. Tomorrow is another day :)

    Sue R

  21. A beautiful post Ilona, and one that I can relate to very much. We need to talk and listen to the people who are important in our lives. Thank you for being the great person you are.
    AussieCheryl x

  22. i never knew my mother, she left us when i was a baby

    let's not forget our fathers, they are dear to us as well.

  23. Dear Ilona! Your love for your mum comes through regularly in your posts. She would have been so proud of what you have managed to achieve in life and so happy to know how much you loved her. My mum was my best friend and like others have said, I still miss her every single day. I would have dearly loved to have a daughter and the relationship we had. Btw your face is lovely.

  24. I spend a lot of time with my mum but she is unable to communicate because she has Alzheimer's. She still knows me but I still get sad because I don't know if she understands my news.

  25. I'm always asking my Mum about her childhood and early life, she's 93 and has some really vivid memories of her life. I have told her in the past she should have written a book as she has a good way with words but she has never done so. I'll just have to try to remember. I even bought her a special notebook for that purpose. Things like collecting coal from a railway sidings not far from them, with a pram, and when her mother was given a piano. She and grandad had a row and threatened to take the piano away, started moving it and her mum sat on top of the piano. I laugh often when I think of that!

    I know what you mean, until a few years ago, I was always busy, but as Mum and Dad were too, and always doing something and going somewhere, I didn't think of it. You don't think of these things when you are younger, youth is like that. You really only learn than as you get older. Had your Mum lived longer, you would have had these discussions.

  26. Ilona this was a lovely, thoughtful post and it was written from your heart, your kind heart and this shines through in your posts and in your voice and face. I think you a fine as you are. My mum died many years ago and I wanted her to come and live with me and my now ex but he said over my dead body, needless to say, the marriage ended as i couldn't forgive that. As I moved back to be near her so she could move in with me, she died very suddenly and I regret not being able to tell her how much I love her and respect her.

  27. Growing up was very difficult for me and my sister. My father was an alcoholic who always kept things stirred up, and my mother had mental health issues. They were miserably unhappy people. My father died when I was 40 and my mother when I was 49. I still wish things had been different, but I accept that it was what it was. However, I am blessed (?) with vivid dreams. Whenever I "see" someone in my dreams who has passed on--especially my inlaws, whom I adored--it's a gift. I don't often dream about my parents, but I "saw" both of them last night. I enjoyed the "visit." I hope you dream about the good times with your mother!

  28. A lovely post Ilona and one written straight from the heart.

    I am lucky enough to have my Mum and although we are totally different in so many ways in many others we are so alike. I miss my Dad dreadfully he really completed the differences if you know what I mean, it's like a cog has gone from the family mechanism, but luckily me and my Mum get on great and try to spend as much time as we can together.

    You have a lovely face, honest, open and full of fun, I'm so glad you are happier with it now than when you were younger. We all have so many insecurities, some folk admit to them and some folk cover it all up with a show of bravado, but deep down I guess we are never totally happy with the way we look.

  29. Hi Ilona,

    Choked up reading your post, got my boys here to hug. I really enjoy reading your blog when I have time to get online. We never get over losing a parent/parents, we learn to cope. They are always with us in our hearts. I'm sure that your mum would be so proud of you and all that you have achieved in your life and the person you have become. Its difficult not to have if onlys like some one mentioned. We only have the here and now, yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Cherish the memories you have of your mum, remember the good times and the laughs you shared together. I think of my mum often, she died very suddenly last Summer on my sons birthday. When I look through photos, I look up to heaven and say, Love you mum, miss you mum, and hope she hears me. Sorry if my post sounds patronising, its not my intention. I know where you are coming from Ilona. I often say to friends to keep up with their mum and have them round. I hope your post has caused families to build bridges or become closer, mums are the glue that hold families together. I'll stop waffling now. Take care everyone, Christy x


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